Oh, maybe there are two Big Issues â€” Max goes to the break room, where some guys are talking about Megan, the "stupid bitch" who's thinking about suing for discrimination because she got passed over for that promotion.
Max marches right into the boss's office and speaks his mind about Mitch, the guy who hired Barclay over Megan:
Max: I know for a fact that Mitch doesn't support women, and that he routinely discriminates against female employees.
Boss man: Well, how do you know that? What evidence are you offering to substantiate Megan's accusation?
Max: Because he did it to me.
Well. OK, Max, fall on your sword, or, um, whatever you call it. On behalf of Megan, I sincerely thank you, but on behalf of yourself, I can only cover my eyes.
Paige's place â€” On her way to the premiere, Shane drops Shay off for another play date. Paige and Shane have a little heart-to-heart about their budding attraction:
Shane: I don't wanna f— things up right now. With Shay, and, you know, myself â€”
Paige: What makes you think you'd f— things up?
Shane: Paige … I mean it: I think you are an amazing woman.
Paige: Oh, no no no. Just stop before you get to the but. "You're a really amazing woman, but you're not my type. You're a really amazing woman, but I'm in a relationship. I'd really love to f— you, but I won't stay the night."
Shane: I probably wouldn't. And I'm also the person who, when I get really close to someone, I push her away. And I don't trust myself enough to not do that to you. And I don't wanna do that to you.
Paige thanks Shane for her honesty. As Shane gets back in the limo, Paige says, "Hey, with everything that's going on in your life right now, if you need a friend, I'm up for that." Shane says she would love that.
Somewhere, Carmen is swearing, and in an accent that's significantly better than Papi's.
Take that, vagina wig â€” Stacey Merkin is trying to check in at the media desk for the premiere, but her name isn't on anyone's list. A bald guy (the Hugo Boss rep from the beginning) overhears and asks who booked her. She gives Jenny's Italian alter ego's name, Sophia Mancuso. The guy says, "I don't know any Sophia Mancuso, and I know everybody." He sends her away.
I know Jenny's shenanigans are very wrong, but they're also quite effective and occasionaly pretty funny. Slink away, Stacey, and take your little merkin with you.
The premiere â€” Shane, Alice and Helena get out of the limo. They gape at the giant posters of Shane in her underwear and the throng of paparazzi.
Helena: What does that mean, "You're looking very Shane today"?
Shane: F— if I know.
The Hugo Boss rep whisks Shane onto the red carpet, telling Helena and Alice they're not allowed to follow. Two Shane look-alikes, one male, one female, stand on either side of Shane. As they stop to smile for the cameras, Shane says, "This is crazy" through her teeth, and then, "This sucks."
From the line of cameras and microphones, Stacey tries to get Shane's attention. Shane asks, "Are you the vagina wig?" before getting pulled inside.
Alice and Helena make their way down the red carpet. Alice poses a little: "Hi. The Chart. Yeah. Alice. You know, you know." She shows off her dress and smiles like a phony and would probably still be there posing if Helena hadn't dragged her inside.
The B&B â€” Lindsey is feeling guilty, but Jenny/Debbie says Stacey's the one who bailed on the romantic weekend. And the setting is perfect, if you're into this sort of thing (and I'm not sure whether I mean romantic weekends, cheating on your girlfriend or grand schemes of writerly revenge). They have good wine and a fire, and Lindsey's obviously dressed for the occasion: I mean, she doesn't get out the PETA T-shirt for just anyone.
There's no music, though. I bet there's a tune in Jenny's head. Probably something like "I've Written a Letter to Daddy" from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? or maybe Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit."
Lindsey says she really wants to kiss Jenny/Debbie, so they kiss. It's not even one-eighth as hot as the Betteâ€“Jodi scenes; in fact, I think it qualifies as awkward fumbling. Jenny/Debbie takes off Lindsey's shirt, but then Lindsey stops her. She says she just can't cheat on Stacey and has to break it off with her before starting down this wonderful new road with Jenny/Debbie.
Jenny decides to do some talking of her own. She starts to come clean about the whole thing, starting with, "I've been lying to you." Hmmm. Killing a dog, pretending to be a manatee-ologist and hijacking a romantic weekend? I think that means you've gone right past lying and right on into alternative prewar intelligence assessments.
Before Jenny can disassemble her dissembling, there's a knock at the door. Enter the vagina wig.
Jenny: Hello. Merkin.
Lindsey tries to introduce her friend Debbie, but Stacey interrupts: "No, this is Jennifer f—king Schecter, the lunatic whose book I reviewed." They stare at Jenny and wait.
Jenny: I thought that if I could prove that you weren't a saint, and I thought that if I could make you sleep with me, that it would prove that all those really horrible, mean things that Stacey said about me and my experiences and the way I turned out … wouldn't be true.
Stacey: What the f— are you talking about?
Jenny: I thought that if I could make you into a liar and a cheat like me … but the thing is, you're not. I mean, you're right about that, Stacey. [to Lindsey] You're a saint. I'm so sorry.
Lindsey: You're not a student.
Lindsey: F—ing manatees.
Jenny: The manatees are a little bit true 'cause I … I did write a story about …
And then Lindsey says, "Sounder," and loses it when Jenny reveals that she adopted Sounder from a shelter. Lindsey grabs her stuff and leaves, asking Jenny how she could do something like that. "I know; it's crazy," Jenny says simply.
Stacey tells Jenny, "Just stay the f— away from us," and leaves too. Hey, Jenny, kick back: You've got wine and a charming room and your 12 personalities to talk to! And with those weird tie things on your sleeves, you can even play straitjacket.
F—ing manatees. Right on.