The L Word Recaps 4.6 “Luck Be a Lady”


Alice's apartment — Helena is pulling on a pair of jeans. She seems to be doing so at a glacial pace, and by that I mean as slowly as glaciers moved before the whole global warming thing began, but I might just be recovering from the crazy pace of the first 14 minutes.

Alice and Helena are discussing poker; Helena says it's not her game. Alice says the same thing without speaking — by trying to shuffle some cards and just spazzing them all over the place instead. But there's nothing to worry about, says Alice: Papi's coming over to teach them some tricks. Great. Cue the doorbell.

Alice: Oh, s—. Come in! Helena, pick your s— up. Get your pants off the chips!

Papi offers Alice some beer and a bon mot, or rather, a mal mot: "Liquor in the front —"

Alice: Yeah, poker in the rear. I know that one.

As a bunch of people shuffle in, Alice and Tasha catch each other's eye. Alice offers Tasha a drink; Tasha says (laconic as ever), "Yeah, OK."

Quite a few people are shuffling in; it seems Papi has invited her posse. Helena sits next to Papi and confesses her incompetence. Papi reassures her: "It's all about the lessons you learn here tonight. OK? You follow these simple rules, you can't looosssssssssse."

At last it becomes clear: Papi is a Slytherin!

A woman comes up to Papi and says hello, in that way that people say hello with a kiss and an "I love you."

Alice asks Tasha whether she likes cards. "Do I," says Tasha. "Come watch how I take your money." As Tasha walks to the poker table, Alice checks out Tasha's ass, then quickly pretends to be looking nowhere in particular and takes a seat too.

Bette and the tortured lagomorph — Bette's still clinging to that stuffed bunny. I hope there's not a pot of boiling water nearby. She's on the phone with Kit again, and Kit is talking about her new song and her nasty boyfriend and whatever else is new in her stereogram-shirted world. Girl.

As Kit rambles, Bette asks James to find her the best Internet site for learning sign language. Where's Max when you need a computer search? James has other concerns: Angus and Angelica have just arrived. Bette relays the news to Kit.

Kit: Oh, how's my boo, my little boo?
Bette: Well, you tell me.
Kit: Whaddya mean?
Bette: Well, I mean you do everything for him; I just want to make sure that he's treating my sister right.

Oh. I thought Kit was talking about Angelica when she said "my little boo," but I ain't hip to this jive.

As Angus and Angelica come in, Bette tells Angus that Kit is on the phone and asks if he wants to talk to her. He says no, he'll call her later, but there's so much guilt in his voice, it sounds like he's saying, "I can't; my hands are full of these bloody body parts."

Bette hangs up the phone and sits down to cross-examine Angus. She asks him how everything is with Kit.

Angus: Uh, she's, it's, it's great. The album's really awesome and people are really excited about it.
Bette: You're really lucky to be on it.
Angus: Uh, yes I am.
Bette: How's Hazel?
Angus: She's good. She's really good with the kids.
Bette: Do you love my sister?
Angus: [after a pause] What are you talking about?
Bette: [covering Angelica's ears] I'm talking about the fact that you're f—ing the nanny behind my sister's back.

Angus tells her to f— off, but mere words cannot combat the force of Bette's quirked, damning brows.

Angus points out that Bette has made a couple of mistakes in her life too, so Bette says, "OK." Angus says he wants to fix it and will break it off with Hazel; he just isn't sure whether to tell Kit. Bette says that would only break Kit's heart and she'd never trust him again.

I'm happy to report that the bunny is now safe with Angelica. Angus, on the other hand, is in grave danger; I can't believe Bette's icy tone hasn't turned him into a teeny, frozen whine by now.

Place your bets — Papi reveals her poker rules: (1) Poker's all about deception; (2) Leave emotion at the door; (3) "Poker's not for, like, the wussy player, all right? 'Cause sometimes, you gotta go all in"; and (4) If you wear a visor and talk with a cartoonish accent like I do, everyone will be so busy rolling their eyes, they won't be able to see the flop or the river or anything but your macking mug.

The relaying of the rules is intercut with scenes of Jenny, Max and Bette:

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