Back on Bette's phone, there's another caller: Kit.
Bette: I'm going to kill myself.
Kit: Before you kill yourself, Jenny wants to know do you wanna go to a premiere with her tomorrow night?
Bette: I can't go. Because I'll be dead. Because I will have killed myself. Phyllis will not get off the f—ing phone.
Kit: Well, Shane's on the phone wit' Alice now.
Bette: Tell her to tell Alice to break it off. Right now.
Kit: [calling across the room] Shane. Bette said tell Alice to call Phyllis and break it off with her right now.
Shane: [into the phone] OK, look, Kit says that Bette says that you need to call Phyllis and break it off with her right now.
Alice: [yelling] I did!
Shane: [to Kit] She did.
Kit: [into the phone] She did.
Bette: Well, tell her to do it again.
Kit: [to Shane] Do it again.
Shane: Look, Alice, will you please let this woman off the hook?
Alice: Oh, really: You of all people are giving me advice on how to let a girl down easy?
Shane: You know what? I don't think that â€” I don't think that response is necessary at all.
Alice: [to a random homeless guy walking by] I don't have any money. [yelling] I don't have any money!
Wow. That was some mayhem. There are so many people and communication devices on the screen, I feel like I'm watching a movie about the UN.
Also, while all of that was going on, Bette was sewing up a little bunny, presumably Angelica's. Yes, Bette can sew. She can run an art school, she can sew, and she can release a seat belt when the need is urgent â€” she is not afraid of you and she will beat your ass.
And I love it when Kit whips out the wit'.
Shane tells Alice not to change the subject and asks her how many people she's bringing to the premiere. Alice lists them: Helena, Jenny, Papi, Tasha. Shane says, "But that's her angry friend," but Alice says Tasha's not angry. Before she can say exactly what Tasha is, Jenny's phone (in Shane's hand) beeps. It's Lindsey. You know, Mrs. Vagina Wig.
Lindsey asks for Debbie. Shane says, "What? Who's Debbie?" â€” which of course makes Jenny ask for her phone back. Before Shane complies, she switches back to Alice and says she has to go. Alice says, "OKlistenwe'regonnahaveareallygoodtimetomorrownight" â€” that quickly.
Shane covers the phone and asks Jenny who Debbie is. "Um, Debbie is my childhood nickname," mumbles Jenny. "Right," says Shane, handing her the phone.
Jenny/Debbie tells Lindsey she's thinking about getting a puppy and wants Lindsey to help her pick one out. But Lindsey's busy: Stacey's in town for the weekend, or rather, is taking Lindsey for a romantic weekend at a B&B in Solvang. Jenny/Debbie fakely says, "That's great; I'm very happy for you that you're working it out." Lindsey thanks her; they hang up.
And then Jenny borrows a nearby stranger's phone and calls Stacey Merkin. Using a hilarious pseudo-Italian accent, she asks Stacey Merkin to cover the Roll the Dice premiere and interview Chane-a Mah-Cutch-en (aka Shane) for C magazine. So what's the magazine name-dropping count up to now? Curve, The New Yorker, Câ€” times 4,382 mentions per magazine.
Jenny signs off with "Bye. Big kiss to you!" Wacky Jenny rocks. In the other frame, Stacey Merkin looks nervously at an unhappy Lindsey, who has overheard enough of the conversation to get the gist of it.
Back on Bette's phone (yes, still), Phyllis wants to know if Alice is seeing someone else. Bette, who is still sewing up that stuffed bunny, says Alice probably just needs more space. Phyllis starts to freak out about that notion when Alice calls Bette again. Bette puts Phyllis on hold and switches to the other line. Alice says she feels bad about the Phyllis thing, but she doesn't think talking is going to help â€” and, of course, at that moment Phyllis calls Alice. Alice lets it go to voice mail. Bette mutters, "F—. My life is ruined. It's just ruined."
Phyllis talks to Alice's voice mail: "I don't want it to end, Alice. I'm in love with you." She looks like a perky piece of pop art, say a Roy Lichtenstein painting.
Bette tries to switch over to Phyllis on the other line, but of course Phyllis' phone is otherwise occupied. Never mind: James announces that Tina is there to see Bette. And by "see," I mean "storm in and shake her head and point her finger":
Tina: How f—ing hard is it to get you on the phone?
Bette: Apparently not that hard.
Tina launches into a diatribe about where Angelica will be going to preschool. She wants to sign Angelica up for a Montessori school, but Bette has already sent in several applications to other (more impressive) schools. This doesn't sit well with Tina â€” but then, what does lately?
They discuss the various factors involved in this decision: quality of educational programs, proximity to Tina's house and the need to work together in their child's best interest. I say that as if they're calm, reasoned and civil, but they're angry, accusatory and shouting.
Tina: For the record, I am not gonna let your overachieving, psycho dysfunction stress out our kid before she's three years old. It's just f—in' preschool, for God's sake. Crayons. And Playdough.
Bette: [snarling] No, it is not just crayons. It is a f—ing Ivy League education. [as Tina stomps out] So naive. Jesus.
James: Uh … Bette? Phyllis is on line 1.
Bette: Oh, f— you, James. Just f— you.
See that, Tina? Bette knows how to throw a scolding finger around: She uses it as punctuation, rather than as a flailing substitute for real emoting.
And hey, I think the incessant split-screening three-way phone thingies are over for now.