James interrupts to tell Bette that Phyllis is on line 1. Bette asks Alice to hold. Alice reads (or sort of struggles with, really) the L.A. Weekly while Bette tries to console Phyllis. But Phyllis says the sex with Alice was "incredible, stellar. Earth-shattering, even." Phyllis, you're turning into Snagglepuss! While Bette explains the difference between great sex and real relationships, Alice hangs up and stops at a coffee cart. And then Alice's phone rings again: This time it's Helena.
Helena is on the couch, watching TV and surrounded by junk food (well, Cheetos and some sort of healthy, organic cereal). She says morosely, "We're out of milk."
Alice: All right, listen. We are going to the premiere of Roll the Dice tomorrow to see Shane's underwear.
Helena: I'm not going anywhere. It's too expensive. Even when I work, I lose money.
Alice: Helena, seriously. I''m getting worried, 'cause like, you're not eating, you're not sleeping â€”
Helena: I'm eating, all right? I'm eating.
She says that like she's just swallowed a tub of lard, but it was just a little handful of the healthy cereal.
Alice: Don't worry, you're coming, you're gonna have a great time, we're all gonna go see Shane's underwear. I'll talk to you later.
I really don't know how to type that sound Helena just made. It was some sort of audible shrug.
Alice calls Shane back to tell her Helena's coming to the premiere, which annoys the hell out of Shane. She actually starts yelling, which isn't very Shane of her. Alice's phone beeps again: Papi is calling.
Papi says she's managed to get a ticket to the premiere too, courtesy of a producer she drives. Papi looks pretty good in her limo driver uniform, actually. I mean, that hat is actually wearable, unlike the paeans to bad taste she's had on her head in other episodes.
Papi says she wants to bring her "girl" Tasha to the premiere. While she's on the phone with Alice (and while she clarifies to Alice that by "girl," she does not mean "girlfriend"), Papi texts Tasha on another phone: "Alice is hot 4 U." Tasha texts back "Shut up." And Papi tells Alice that Tasha thinks she's cute. Alice squeals, "She thinks I'm cute?!" and says she'll try to get Papi that extra ticket.
Papi calls Tasha to tell her she has to come to the premiere: "You can't fight the fates, Williams." I dunno: Tasha looks like she could fight just about anything, mythical or otherwise.
Is this making your head spin yet? Mine too, but in a totally good way. As we point out (er, sing out) in the podcast, this is like "The Telephone Hour" from Bye Bye Birdie.
Bette's revolving door and chirping phone â€” Bette is still pacing, and still on the phone. James interrupts to tell Bette that Jodi Lerner's there to see her.
Bette: What? Uhhhh …
Bette hangs up the phone (I guess that was still Phyllis on the other end, but I think it could have been the legendary phone call to God and she still would have hung up) as Jodi walks in.
Bette starts to make excuses about why she hasn't called, but Jodi interrupts:
Jodi: Stop. You've been freakin' out ever since we almost kissed. And you're avoiding me. So I just wanted to say: Get over it. You're wicked hot, and I woulda gone for it. But we have to work together. So if you wanna pretend that it never happened, I'm OK with that.
Bette sort of smiles and sighs and shakes her head and says she doesn't even know how to respond to that. Well done, Jodi: Dean Porter is rarely speechless!
James interrupts again to tell Bette that Phyllis is on line 1. Jodi says, "I'll let you get that," and leaves after briefly holding Bette's apologetic gaze.
Phyllis is sure that everything would be different if Alice hadn't met Leonard (Phyllis' husband). Right on cue, Alice calls Bette, so Bette puts Phyllis on hold.
Bette: Alice. Alice, you have to break up with her.
Alice: I already broke up with her.
Bette: Yeah, well, you re-break up with her, because some lesbians, you know what, you have to break up with them more than once.
Alice: [as her phone beeps] Hold on, that's Jenny. I gotta go.
Bette: I am serious, Alice.
Alice: [yelling] OK!
Oh, my dearest Alice, I love it when you yell. It's so shrill and barky, but to me it's like a shrill and barky caress.
Alice switches over to Jenny, who wants Alice to come to the Planet for coffee. Is Monet going to be there too, dipping his brushes in soy milk? Alice says she can't have coffee because "there's too much drama." What? Wait, I thought drama was a reason to drink coffee. No wonder I'm so agitated all the time.
Alice invites Jenny to the premiere. What Alice doesn't know is that Shane is at the Planet too:
Shane: [to Jenny] Hey, mama.
Jenny: Hi. [into the phone] Hang on one sec. [back to Shane] That's Alice and she's putting together a bunch of people for the Roll of the Dice premiere tomorrow night. Do you wanna come?
Shane: Give me the phone. [into the phone] Alice, you're f—ing killing me.
Alice: [yelling] I'm not doing anything!
Yay, more Alice yelling â€” it just makes me giggle. Maybe I'll make a CD of Yellice selections.