THIS WEEK'S L WORD VOCABULARY:
Phones: You can't spit without hitting one.
Sign language: A not-so-subtle seduction.
Revelations: Almost as omnipresent as phones.
THIS WEEK'S GUEST-BIANS: Kristanna Loken offers comfort and comfort food; Heather Matarazzo sees what Jenny's parts really add up to; Cybill Shepherd is obsessed; Sandrine Holt raises the stakes.
Shane's looking very appalled today — Shane is staring at herself. Not in a narcissistic way like Joyce Wischnia or in a dog-killing way like Jenny, but in a look-at-yourself-in-your-underwear way. She's standing between two Hugo Boss people who are singing the praises of the ad campaign, which sports the tagline "You're looking very Shane today."
And tomorrow night the campaign (and the posters of Shane in her skivvies) will be revealed at the Roll the Dice premiere. Shane says she's not sure she can get a babysitter in time. But the Hugo Boss reps insist: "You'd better be there, looking very Shane. It's the biggest party of the year, and you're our newest It girl. Don't you wanna just die?!"
The Hugo Boss rep who says — rather, screeches — that line is funny in the way that Toxic Tonya was. Ah, Tonya. I don't really miss her, but the mere mention of her reminds me of Dana, and that does send me into fits of nostalgia.
Anyway, I think Shane's answer is yes, she does want to just die. And preferably not in her underwear.
Some important things to know — This episode was written and directed by Angela Robinson. She directed D.E.B.S. If you haven't seen that film, let me try to give you a feel for her style: It's sort of comic book meets Mod Squad (the old TV show, not the lame movie) meets Alias meets the blaxploitation films of the '70s meets … well, that's enough meeting. In the opening scene, there are lots of split screens and phones and ping-ponging dialogue and general coolness. I'll try to keep up, but these first 14 minutes or so might defy narrative form. And by defy, I mean exceed, surpass, transcend: They're brilliant.
Ladies, start your cell phones — Alice calls Shane for advice about Phyllis, who can't seem to accept that Alice doesn't want to see her anymore. Shane says it's no surprise because Alice was Phyllis' first. (And as you yourself said, Alice, you're a really good first. And probably second, third and fourth.)
As Alice starts to explain why it's really way more complicated than anyone could ever imagine, Shane lights a cigarette and lets Alice ramble on. She eventually interrupts and says she has her own stuff to deal with, but Alice, of course, won't let it go at that: She asks for details. Shane says "the f—in' bulls— goddamn Hollywood party that I have to go to." This only piques Alice's interest, and when she gets the full scoop, she asks Shane to take her to the premiere.
Is it sort of odd that this conversation is taking place while Shane and Alice are walking somewhere? I thought nobody walked in L.A. Have the Missing Persons been lying to me all these years?
Shane agrees to take Alice, but tells Alice not to invite anybody else. Alice says, "I really think we should all be there to, like, support your underwear." Hee.
Alice's call waiting beeps: It's Bette. For a brief moment, we get a divine three-way split screen (no innuendo intended, really; I'm just talking visual pleasure here) of Shane, Alice and Bette.
Alice tells Bette about the premiere, but Bette says she can't go.
Bette: I can't go. Why? Because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because of the way that you broke up with Phyllis. She's completely terrorizing my staff; she's already slashed my budget. It's a f—ing bloodbath over here.
The deliciousness of Bette in control mode (and in a suit) is matched only by the hilarity of the way Alice rolls her eyes during this little lecture.