Back at the big sign — They’ve got all the pieces of the sign and are ready to go. On the way out, Alice manages to get her jacket (which is, naturally, camouflage) caught on something. She struggles valiantly to free herself, but Bette has to come to her rescue.
Alice: Go without me! Leave me behind! Save yourselves!
That moment alone made this entire season worthwhile. DeLeishous!
They eventually make it back to the van, where Bette tells Alice and Shane they’re the best friends ever. Right on.
A hotel — Jenny and Sounder are prancing around, looking for Kate. They find her at a poolside table. Jenny apologizes for her behavior at the meeting; she explains that she just felt threatened by Tina. But she soon changes her mind about making peace, because her nemesis shows up.
Stacey Merkin: I hear the book is riveting, Jenny. Can’t wait to read it.
Merkin offers a little summary of the Lindsay fiasco; she says Jenny destroyed Lindsay and killed a dog. Jenny denies that last part, of course; she calls it a very bad mistake.
Kate: Do you, like, prey on people whose lives are already falling apart, or do you actually take a more aggressive role in creating their grief and destruction?
Merkin: That’s such a good question. I mean, in Jenny’s world, does art imitate life? Does life imitate art?
They say they’ve heard she destroyed Marina too. OK, OK. You two aren’t wrong about Jenny’s wrong-headed, self-serving shenanigans. But Kate? You scare me. You seem to have no soul, and you seem pretty excited about the prospect of destroying Jenny’s life just like she’s destroyed others’. Maybe it’s just your eyeliner; it screams "evil."
Kate: I can’t wait to tell you what I’m going to do with the character of Jessie in my adaptation of Lez Girls.
Jenny can only stare. Sounder, by the way, is cute — almost too cute. Poor pup. What horrible fate awaits you?
Leavin’ on a jet plane — Now that Bette has the sign, there’s only one thing to do: Deliver it to Jodi. She’s pacing around her house, making the final arrangements and waiting for her cab. Tina is there too, helping her prepare.
They’re interrupted by a seemingly distraught Phyllis. She says Joyce Wischnia is refusing to represent her because of a conflict of interest. Bette doesn’t know what that could possibly mean.
Joyce: [appearing from nowhere] It would have been a conflict because the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew I wanted to jump her lovely bones.
Yeah! As the two lovebirds waltz off into the sunset, Bette and Tina look at each other and say, in stereo, "That was surreal." Maybe, but it was also fantastic!
Tina reminds Bette to defer, yield and bow to Jodi in every way. As Bette leaves, she and Tina share another awkward kiss — only Tina almost goes for this one. She sort of starts to kiss back, then pulls away. Yikes. After Bette leaves, Tina just smiles slightly to herself.
Are we really supposed to wait until next season to get this thing settled?!
Seeing the future — Paige and Shane are getting ready for Tasha’s party. Shane scans the classifieds while she brushes her teeth. She says she has found a house that looks good, but maybe Paige and Jared should take it.
Shane: Maybe we should talk about, um, maybe taking it together.
Paige rewards Shane with some hot sex. Like, really hot, nipple-ring-showing, grunting-and-sweating sort of sex. The only trouble is, it’s intercut with some scenes of what the future might look like. We see Shane and Paige as a 1950s couple — Shane is the dad with the tie and the specs; Paige is the mom with the rollers in her hair; and of course they have two kids, Shay and Jared. They are dazzlingly normal with their morning orange juice, their push mower, their apple pie and their happy sons.
It almost feels like an entire short film inserted into the episode, but OK, point made: These two aren’t sure they want the American Dream.
Afterward, Shane reaches for a cigarette while Paige seems to wonder what she’s getting into. They look like they’re posing for the cover of a pulp novel:
I Was a Suburban Dyke!