THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:
Control: Bette’s addiction.
Stories: A great way to while away a rainy (or a horny) day.
Work: What Jodi hears clearer than everyone else.
THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Kristanna Loken likes stories; Annabella Sciorra likes to make people uncomfortable; Sandrine Holt likes to be amused.
Body art — Catherine and Helena are in bed. Catherine is explaining horse racing. She does so by scrawling — in lipstick — a race track on Helena’s belly. With an X, she marks where they’ll be sitting when their horse crosses the finish line, which just happens to be an extension of Helena’s navel.
Wait, do me next! Only put, like, a smile and a nose, and turn my boobies into eyes, and then I can pull my shirt over my head and do a dance!
Catherine says she’s "never gotten a better tip" on a horse. The horse in question is called In the Pink. Aren’t horses’ names fun? And of course they can be odd, like Phar Lap or Secretariat or Mister Ed. When I was a kid, my neighbor had a horse she named Love’s Baby Soft. That kind of gave me the creeps.
Anyway, Catherine says In the Pink (which is certainly the most lesbian horse name ever) is as close as you can get to a "sure thing." Helena seems to believe her. Careful, Helena: Something toxic in that lipstick must have seeped through your skin and poisoned your brain.
I’ve mentioned this before in a recap — for the episode in which we learned about Dana’s mother’s history — but I’ll say it again: You can, should you fancy it, buy The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories.
I don’t own a copy myself, though I do have both of the Lesbian Vampire Stories books. Those are fantastic.
Hey, maybe Catherine’s a vampire. She’s pale, thin, mysterious and evil. Well, I’m only surmising the latter, but she must be up to something. She seems friendly enough, though, when she encourages Helena to invite some of her friends to the races.
Catherine: We can do some business on that website.
Helena: I’ve already told Alice I’m in for 50 grand.
Catherine: Oh, and invite the little dark twisted one. She amuses me.
Helena: You know, she’s talking about getting a monkey.
Catherine: Of course she is.
And then Catherine puts some lipstick on Helena’s lips.
I don’t know why, but these two just don’t do anything for me. I do like the song in the background, though: "Invest in My Love." Guess who’s singing it? Janina Gavankar, who plays Papi. Who knew? You can listen to the song on her website. I much prefer her singing to hearing her speak with that inconsistent Papi accent. But I also prefer dentist appointments, cilantro and long lines at the post office to that. (Maybe not cilantro. I really hate cilantro.)
A homecoming — Max and Grace have arrived at Max’s childhood home. Max tells Grace a story about the time he tried to kiss a mouse and it bit him. On the way to the hospital, his sister convinced him he had rabies. Ah, sibling torture. My brother once convinced me I was born with 12 fingers and had to be sent away until the two extra ones shriveled up and fell off.
Oh yeah — where were we? These two are comfortable together. And cute, even.
When they reach the door of the house, Max hesitates.
Max: I haven’t seen any of ‘em in years. This wasn’t the best idea, Grace.
Grace: They are your family.
Max: [sighing] Yeah.
They ring the bell. Quick, run around to the back of the house!
Making plans — Jodi and Bette are discussing the dinner party. Bette has arranged for a cook and a server because she wants it to be nice and comfortable. Comfortable? Yeah, I always feel comfortable with strangers in my home.
Bette also reveals that the guest list is now up to 11. Jodi teases her about this.
Bette: Eleven people at a dinner party does not a force of nature make.
Jodi: I’ve never met anyone like you.
Bette: And I’ve never met anyone like you.
They say unprintable things with their eyes.