The iPad solves all our feminine issues

 
 

And so it was written on the 27th day of the 2,000th year plus half a score that he of the black mock turtleneck has solved all of our problems (womanly and otherwise) with one simple device. Behold and cower before the awesome data absorbency of the iPad.

Yesterday’s big announcement of the newest Apple device, heretofore known as the iPad, was met with oohs, ahhs and a considerable number of WTFs from women in particular. Um, did Steve Jobs really mean to name his revolutionary new digital tablet after something that makes ladies everywhere think of their most miserable time of the month? Was there no woman sitting in on the naming committee who could tap him on the shoulder and say, “Stevie, no. Really, no.”

Hell, all the geniuses at Apple had to do was check the Mad TV archives to know they were headed into feminine troubles with the name iPad.

The announcement was met with justified snickering across the web yesterday. iTampon immediately began trending on Twitter and reached No. 1 as the snarky observations came fast and furious. Even the specs are potentially hilarious: The iPad comes in 64GB (heavy flow), 32GB (regular cycle) and 16GB (lite days) models. Plus don’t forget the 3G option (wings for when Wi-Fi alone simply cannot provide enough coverage).

But all menstrual jokes aside (I could go on for four to five days each month!), what does the iPad mean for lesbian and bisexual women? Billed as a “magical and revolutionary” device, let’s imagine those magical possibilities together.

After the iPad, gay women everywhere will be thrilled to learn about Apple’s bold new product line diversification. Next up: The iSpeculum (multi-touch self-warming feature included), iPap (test result push notification optional) and iNseminate (yes, lesbians, finally there’s an app for that).

iPad will revolutionize the way we watch fan-made YouTube videos of our favorite on-screen couples. Now enjoy Naomily, Calzona and Otalia tributes on a crystal-clear 9.7-inch backlit LED screen. Zoom in on the good stuff (and by good I mean naked) with the touch of a finger. But remember, the iPad can not spare you from feeling iEmbarrassed when a kindly 80-year-old grandma catches you rewatching the Room in Rome trailer on the subway.

And finally, third-party app developers are already hard at work at the two most essential iPad programs for queer women everywhere. Expect the iHaul and iProcess to hit the iTunes store in early spring.

So, ladies, are you excited for the iPad? I can tell you one thing, my Aunt Flo is ecstatic.

 
 

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