I’m currently in a friends-with-benefits relationship with my best friend. She is newly out and I have been her first everything with a girl. I’m happy to say she’s a quick learner and the sex has been great! However the other night we ran into a small snafu. I couldn’t get her wet enough for anything to feel good when I was touching her. So she suggested we use toys, and we made out while she masturbated with a vibrator until she came. Is it normal for women to go through bouts of dryness? Can you offer any tips for how to prevent this in the future? We’ve had sex since then but I’m still feeling badly about this.—Former Casanova
Anna says: Very normal. Standard disclaimer about how I’m not a doctor, but there’s lots of information available on the subject. Dryness can occur depending on where she is in her cycle; it could be due to a change in hormone levels; (if she’s on birth control or antidepressants that may also be a factor) or even due to events that happened during the day, such as whether she forgot to DVR the Breaking Bad finale.
It sounds like your lady’s problem was very temporary and had nothing to do with you or your sexytime skillz. So don’t sweat it. Especially with women, sometimes our bodies don’t cooperate with our heads (and vice versa), regardless of how turned on we are or how much we’re in the mood. Personally, sometimes simply focusing on the other person for a while helps to get the juices flowing, and has that idiom always been dirty?
Other ways to relieve dryness:
1. Lube. Don’t be shy about using lube. There are literally hundreds of kinds available, (many at your local drugstore) which also speaks volumes about its bedroom prevalence. Remember that silicone-based lube degrades silicon toys, so you’d probably be better off with a water-based lubricant if toys are involved. You can get lube samples for about 75 cents if you don’t want to commit to a big bottle. I like Blossom Organics because it satisfies my hippie tendencies, but feel free to experiment to see what works best for both of you.
2. Drink lots of water. Staying hydrated is good for all of your body functions, including the sexy ones.
3. Avoid chemicals, douches, and menopause. OK, we can’t opt out of menopause, but if your lady is using any of those gross “vaginal freshness” crap sprays/douches, tell her to quit it.
4. Keep calm and carry Don…Juan. There’s no need to add a “former” to your name, Casanova. ‘Twas a minor setback, and it happens to a great many women. Keep doin’ that thing you do, and here’s hoping the best friend bit doesn’t get emotionally complicated.
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at email@example.com.