Hey Anna, I constantly have crushes on straight girls and I’m freaked out that I won’t stop. I grew up in a small town in Kansas (whuddup Westboro Baptist Church) and I realized I was gay my freshman year of high school. I never came out in high school, so it felt like it didn’t matter who I had a crush on (almost all of them were straight) because I knew I would never act on it (haha! Repression is fun!). But I’m about to end my freshman year at this kick-ass college in Chicago where gay chicks are everywhere. But I still find myself being mostly attracted/developing feelings for straight girls or girls already in relationships. I think it’s because I don’t really like the person I am when I’m trying to flirt and I guess I don’t flirt with straight girls because they’re straight. So you would think that once I figured this out I would just be more genuine around gay chicks and problem solved. But it’s not. Now I’m starting to freak-the-fuck-out that I’ll never be in a real relationship because I’ll just always like straight girls or people that are just unavailable. Any advice? —Haaaalp
Anna says: You sound a little like me in my mid-twenties. I had A Thing for almost every unavailable straight woman that expressed even the most passing interest in me: She liked more than one of my Facebook posts a week? Crush. She lent me a quarter so I could play pool at T’s? Crush. One time an attractive coworker touched my head when she walked passed, that led to a debilitating crush that lasted the remainder of her time working there, which was several years.
I still get crushes on these women. It’s even better if they live thousands of miles away, that simply cements our bond, because in my mind it’s not love if it’s not at least a little like a tragic Russian novel. I’m telling you this not to freak you out even more than you already are, or to make you despair that your unavailable crushes will always be with you. I’m telling you because it’s not that big of a deal.
Lusting after the unattainable is something we all do. The reason it’s so hot to us is because we can’t have it—celebrities, straight girls, the good kind of truffles that cost $80 and are handspun by virgin minotaurs or something. There’s nothing more exciting for our fantasies than when they are framed by a giant Do Not Enter sign. It’s human nature. It’s exciting. And, it also gets old.
Eventually, you’ll grow bored by the not-having. Eventually, a touch on the head in passing will not sustain your desires for years and you will want something more. I don’t know how long you’ll be lured by the straight girl siren call. Judging by the amount of emails you guys send me, it is a persistent struggle that’s up there with “What is my purpose in life?”
And, as I’ve said before, part of the curse of being a queer girl is that you like, you know, girls. Our vaginas are rather inconsiderate in this regard. They don’t stop to first inquire about the sexual proclivities of whoever they are lusting after to determine that they also like girls. They simply lust. It is what they do (and, like, give birth, I’m told). So, your vagina is bound to make some mistakes, but that is OK! Straight girl vaginas make mistakes too, because again: lust. Lust is like Justin Bieber—it does whatever it wants.
You don’t say whether you have many queer friends in your letter, but I’m going to assume that you don’t and that this is also part of the problem. Go meet and befriend some ghey ladeez. You can still hang out with your straight crew, but make an effort to gay up your life. It will help, I promise. The more you meet and know (and drink) with queer ladies, the sooner your lust barometer will swing in a less frustrating direction.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must continue my quest to turn Jennifer Lawrence.
For more Hook Up columns on straight girl crushes, read:
Attack of the straight girls and dating tips for introverts
Confusing straight girls and dating profile jealousy
Straight Girls (Again!)