Archive

The Hook Up: The power of the unattainable

Hey Anna, I constantly have crushes on straight girls and I’m freaked out that I won’t stop. I grew up in a small town in Kansas (whuddup Westboro Baptist Church) and I realized I was gay my freshman year of high school. I never came out in high school, so it felt like it didn’t matter who I had a crush on (almost all of them were straight) because I knew I would never act on it (haha! Repression is fun!). But I’m about to end my freshman year at this kick-ass college in Chicago where gay chicks are everywhere. But I still find myself being mostly attracted/developing feelings for straight girls or girls already in relationships. I think it’s because I don’t really like the person I am when I’m trying to flirt and I guess I don’t flirt with straight girls because they’re straight. So you would think that once I figured this out I would just be more genuine around gay chicks and problem solved. But it’s not. Now I’m starting to freak-the-fuck-out that I’ll never be in a real relationship because I’ll just always like straight girls or people that are just unavailable. Any advice? -Haaaalp

Anna says: You sound a little like me in my mid-twenties. I had A Thing for almost every unavailable straight woman that expressed even the most passing interest in me: She liked more than one of my Facebook posts a week? Crush. She lent me a quarter so I could play pool at T’s? Crush. One time an attractive coworker touched my head when she walked passed, that led to a debilitating crush that lasted the remainder of her time working there, which was several years.

I still get crushes on these women. It’s even better if they live thousands of miles away, that simply cements our bond, because in my mind it’s not love if it’s not at least a little like a tragic Russian novel. I’m telling you this not to freak you out even more than you already are, or to make you despair that your unavailable crushes will always be with you. I’m telling you because it’s not that big of a deal.

Lusting after the unattainable is something we all do. The reason it’s so hot to us is because we can’t have it-celebrities, straight girls, the good kind of truffles that cost $80 and are handspun by virgin minotaurs or something. There’s nothing more exciting for our fantasies than when they are framed by a giant Do Not Enter sign. It’s human nature. It’s exciting. And, it also gets old.

Eventually, you’ll grow bored by the not-having. Eventually, a touch on the head in passing will not sustain your desires for years and you will want something more. I don’t know how long you’ll be lured by the straight girl siren call. Judging by the amount of emails you guys send me, it is a persistent struggle that’s up there with “What is my purpose in life?”

And, as I’ve said before, part of the curse of being a queer girl is that you like, you know, girls. Our vaginas are rather inconsiderate in this regard. They don’t stop to first inquire about the sexual proclivities of whoever they are lusting after to determine that they also like girls. They simply lust. It is what they do (and, like, give birth, I’m told). So, your vagina is bound to make some mistakes, but that is OK! Straight girl vaginas make mistakes too, because again: lust. Lust is like Justin Bieber-it does whatever it wants.

You don’t say whether you have many queer friends in your letter, but I’m going to assume that you don’t and that this is also part of the problem. Go meet and befriend some ghey ladeez. You can still hang out with your straight crew, but make an effort to gay up your life. It will help, I promise. The more you meet and know (and drink) with queer ladies, the sooner your lust barometer will swing in a less frustrating direction.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must continue my quest to turn Jennifer Lawrence.

For more Hook Up columns on straight girl crushes, read: Attack of the straight girls and dating tips for introverts Confusing straight girls and dating profile jealousy Straight Girls (Again!)

I met a girl on OkCupid and we hit it off immediately, staying out in a bar until the wee hours of the morning. We saw each other a second time. It went even better, we made out a lot and I was feeling more and more confident in the reciprocity of our chemistry. She’s the perfect match for me: funny, smart, sexy, confident, etc. We then saw each other for the third time and ended up hooking up at her place. I’m liking this girl more and more every day, and I don’t want to be overwhelming or too desperate, so I don’t know if I should ask her to be monogamous even if I don’t know if she’s into that kind of thing. When I’m with her everything seems so fun and easy but then when we don’t see each other I start having doubts about whether she likes me, and wondering if she is dating/hooking up with other people. I also never know if I should text her just to ask how her day’s going or to remind her of my existence (both of those things I don’t do). I’m only 20 and don’t really have a lot of experience with girls but I have a gut feeling telling me that I shouldn’t ruin things with this one. What should I do? I’m feeling that she’s way out of my league. She’s just too awesome. I don’t want to ruin this good thing by going all crazy or, on the contrary, by doing nothing. I’ve asked all of my straight friends and they know nothing.-Confused and Careful

Anna says: Worthless straight friends! They’re only good for unattainable crushes and casserole recipes. I’m kidding, CC. I’m sure your friends are lovely. And I’m sure you are too.

I know that panicky feeling a new relationship brings, the wanting to seem cool and casual even while you are secretly looking up how much it would cost to monogram all your towels with her initials. It’s scary. But it’s also kind of fun in that roller coaster way, i.e. great, until you vomit on your loafers.

So, yes. You’ve been on three dates, and had sex once. This is exciting news. But also probably a little too soon to have the “Can we only see each other naked?” conversation. I’m speaking generally here. But it seems to me like you’re still pretty much strangers, which means you should take a little more time to get to know her before deciding you want to bone her exclusively. Also, so that you become comfortable enough to send her run of the mill, non-plan-making text messages. Which brings me to: yes, please send her a text! You aren’t going to ruin anything by asking her how her day was. The only way it might be perceived as annoying is if you send her 15 texts and she only responds to one of them. In that case, you’re overdoing it. But a simple “good morning” (or “guten morgen” if she’s German) or “thinking of you” is a sweet gesture, and one that is difficult to be offended by.

Speaking of “ruining” things, let’s bury that term, OK? It’s dating! It’s learning what someone’s college major is and how many siblings they have and kissing at bus stops and daydreaming at work. None of these actions is “ruin-worthy” even if the date doesn’t go as planned, even if the feelings are not reciprocated. It’s just dating. So please squelch that little voice in your head that is telling you one ill-timed text will cause her to stop speaking to you forever. I mean, shit like that does happen in dating, but it’s not because of the text. And while we’re at it, let’s get rid of the concept of leagues too. Leagues are worthless, except to make us feel insecure. Desire is like 80 percent confidence. And it’s hard to feel confident when you’re comparing yourself to your date. Besides, you’ve been on three dates and saw this girl naked. Those things wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t think you were awesome. So own it. You are awesome. She’s awesome. Go do awesome things together. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out, but it’s in no way a reflection of your worth as a human.

Take deep breaths, CC. Enjoy this woozy, uncertain time, and don’t let it become all-consuming. Do what feels good to you, or, even better, do what you think would make your girl feel good. When my girlfriend and I were getting together, she came to visit me at work one day and shared her lunch with me. It’s still one of my favorite moments because it was so sweet and ordinary. Sometimes we spend too much time trying to seem “cool” that we forget to be thoughtful. But making someone feel good earns you major life points, and not just on a bone-ability scale.

Good luck.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button