The Hook Up: The only advice you need

 
 
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About two months ago, I met a girl at a weekend conference for a student society that we’re both president of at our respective universities (she lives about half an hour away from me) and we both come from the same city. We hit it off and I was super attracted to her. Aside from exchanging emails about linking our societies we haven’t spoken but I would like to meet her again. Is it weird if I follow her on Twitter/Instagram and maybe start a conversation with her? I know she’s single and into girls but I don’t know how to indicate to her that I like her.

Am I being completely naive/or silly? And if I want to speak to her some more how do I go about it?—Desperately Seeking Someone

Anna says: Like this: Hi Society Girl, It was great meeting you recently. I enjoyed your company and your hotness. Would you like to get a beverage with me this week? Sincerely, DSS

Or, if you’d rather go about it the hard way, then feel free to try to lure her into your skivvies with months of compelling tweets and clever Instagram comments—don’t come right out and compliment her, that’d be too easy. Instead make obscure literary references from Pablo Neruda — not the one that every lesbian uses about the spring and the cherry trees, but something safer, a poem about a table, perhaps. “Like” and “favorite” almost everything she says and does on social media, so that you will always be at the forefront of her mind. But ignore her references to attractive celebrities—your silence will imply your displeasure at her commenting on Jennifer Lawrence’s Golden Globes dress, when really she should have eyes for no one but you.

Then, when she doesn’t respond to every social media comment you compose, agonize inwardly for days, and then solicit the help of no less than three of your closest friends (and one less close “impartial” friend) to analyze your crush’s every word, punctuation choice, and hidden meanings. When you and your sleuths discover a possibility of flirtation from your crush, rejoice! When it appears she is not flirting but simply commenting neutrally about her feelings concerning this morning’s english muffin, become horribly depressed and vow to get over her in favor of someone who actually returns your affections. This only lasts 45 seconds, however, and then your resolve to win her back comes at an even stronger force. Switch your literary references for TV and movie references and throw in quotes with more suggestive metaphors: caves, oysters, and, on a particularly bold day, the Grand Canyon.

Years pass and you are no further near to her heart than you were when you first started, so you redouble your efforts and add her on Google Plus and Pinterest. You track her locations on FourSquare and Facebook check-ins, and then stake out her favorite restaurants and bars, hoping against hope that she will show up at the same time and place when you are there yourself. Then one day she does! But you never rehearsed this part and instead of talking to her, you simply stare in her direction briefly and then look away. How could she not say hello to you? Didn’t she see you glancing at her with Nerudian longing?! Can’t she tell by the number of times you’ve blinked in a minute that you are ovulating and hence desireful of her? As you are contemplating the perfect combination of words, swagger, and sexy-table-leaning that will cause her to spontaneously rip off her clothes right there at Applebee’s and confess her undying love for you, you take a deep breath and fall to the ground because you’ve been pursuing this girl for 80 years and you just had your hip replaced and some jerk knocked your walker out from under you while reaching for their fried chicken tenders and the force of the blow and the force of 80 years of waiting around and hoping and stressing yourself out causes your heart to explode and you die.

But I strongly suggest you try option number one.

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