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The Hook Up: The only advice you need

About two months ago, I met a girl at a weekend conference for a student society that we’re both president of at our respective universities (she lives about half an hour away from me) and we both come from the same city. We hit it off and I was super attracted to her. Aside from exchanging emails about linking our societies we haven’t spoken but I would like to meet her again. Is it weird if I follow her on Twitter/Instagram and maybe start a conversation with her? I know she’s single and into girls but I don’t know how to indicate to her that I like her.

Am I being completely naive/or silly? And if I want to speak to her some more how do I go about it?-Desperately Seeking Someone

Anna says: Like this: Hi Society Girl, It was great meeting you recently. I enjoyed your company and your hotness. Would you like to get a beverage with me this week? Sincerely, DSS

Or, if you’d rather go about it the hard way, then feel free to try to lure her into your skivvies with months of compelling tweets and clever Instagram comments-don’t come right out and compliment her, that’d be too easy. Instead make obscure literary references from Pablo Neruda — not the one that every lesbian uses about the spring and the cherry trees, but something safer, a poem about a table, perhaps. “Like” and “favorite” almost everything she says and does on social media, so that you will always be at the forefront of her mind. But ignore her references to attractive celebrities-your silence will imply your displeasure at her commenting on Jennifer Lawrence‘s Golden Globes dress, when really she should have eyes for no one but you.

Then, when she doesn’t respond to every social media comment you compose, agonize inwardly for days, and then solicit the help of no less than three of your closest friends (and one less close “impartial” friend) to analyze your crush’s every word, punctuation choice, and hidden meanings. When you and your sleuths discover a possibility of flirtation from your crush, rejoice! When it appears she is not flirting but simply commenting neutrally about her feelings concerning this morning’s english muffin, become horribly depressed and vow to get over her in favor of someone who actually returns your affections. This only lasts 45 seconds, however, and then your resolve to win her back comes at an even stronger force. Switch your literary references for TV and movie references and throw in quotes with more suggestive metaphors: caves, oysters, and, on a particularly bold day, the Grand Canyon.

Years pass and you are no further near to her heart than you were when you first started, so you redouble your efforts and add her on Google Plus and Pinterest. You track her locations on FourSquare and Facebook check-ins, and then stake out her favorite restaurants and bars, hoping against hope that she will show up at the same time and place when you are there yourself. Then one day she does! But you never rehearsed this part and instead of talking to her, you simply stare in her direction briefly and then look away. How could she not say hello to you? Didn’t she see you glancing at her with Nerudian longing?! Can’t she tell by the number of times you’ve blinked in a minute that you are ovulating and hence desireful of her? As you are contemplating the perfect combination of words, swagger, and sexy-table-leaning that will cause her to spontaneously rip off her clothes right there at Applebee’s and confess her undying love for you, you take a deep breath and fall to the ground because you’ve been pursuing this girl for 80 years and you just had your hip replaced and some jerk knocked your walker out from under you while reaching for their fried chicken tenders and the force of the blow and the force of 80 years of waiting around and hoping and stressing yourself out causes your heart to explode and you die.

But I strongly suggest you try option number one.

I’m 20 years old and in college tend to date more than one woman simultaneously. There’s been, however, a change in my situation. I hooked up with a girl from my course and it quickly advanced into something way more than that. I’ve spent several nights at her place and also we’ve had very sweet conversations about us and what we feel about each other. I’m the first girl she has ever been with and she seems to really like me and I really like her. She is currently in another country for two months doing volunteer work and soon I’ll be in a different country doing the same. So the current situation is that we don’t exactly have a commitment, because we know it’s a long time and we’ve just started dating so it would be a bit too fast.

The thing is that, before her, I had my eye on another girl and because of miscommunication and simple problems in our schedules, we never dated. But now this “soccer girl” is free and wants to see me and is very insisting, and the relationship between us is also very sweet and caring. Soccer girl knows all about volunteer girl. I really want to hook up with her, but I also feel guilty for the volunteer girl.

So would hooking up with soccer girl be a betrayal? Or is it OK because we don’t have an explicit commitment? If so, do I tell her? I honestly sometimes have the feeling I would be “getting away with a technicality.” What do you think?-Very Indecisive Girl

Anna says: I think you should be honest with volunteer girl, VIG. If you’re not ready to be monogamous, especially since the two of you are going to be in different countries for several months, then tell her that. Odds are that she’ll agree with you, especially since you just started dating, and you share similar world views about sowing your wild college oats and what-have-you. I know it’s scary to be honest about desiring other people, but it’s far better to do so than to act on your impulses, feel guilty about them, and possibly have to lie about them or keep secrets later on.

You don’t need to go into carnal specifics about how you and soccer girl are going to play “hide the goalie” when you talk to volunteer girl (may I call her VG, VIG?). Just tell VG that while you really like her, you think it’ll be better for your VAG to keep the relationship open for now, and that you can revisit the discussion when the both of you are once again in the same country. And then listen to what she says.

If, however, after talking about it, VG would rather you not bang the hot midfielder, then you’ll have to decide whether keeping her heart is more important to you than keeping it in your pants. But, I’d put my bets on VG being cool with your relationship staying open for the time being. Most people are not unreasonable-we may get jealous, of course, but long-distance is hard, and even harder when the relationship is so new. Other potential pitfalls to discuss, should VG be down with the VAGS: Does she want to know when it happens, or will you be operating under a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? Do you want to know if she dallies with other people?

Another reason I think you should be upfront with her is because you run in small circles and your soccer girl adventures are probably going to get back to volunteer girl in one way or another. Speaking from personal experience, it was much harder to learn of my girlfriend’s one-night-stand later than it would have been if she’d told me around the time it actually happened. But we never had that conversation. I assumed things and she assumed things and we were both wrong about those things and it led to a big fight months after the fact, when it all could have been easily avoided with 10 minutes of Real Talk.

I urge you to take the time now, and set a precedent for honesty. I think you’ll find it does wonders for alleviating angst and confusion and wondering about how your partners are going to feel or react to various scenarios. The truth is we never know until we ask.

So ask.

And enjoy the rest of your wild youth. I’ll be sitting over here at Applebee’s waiting for this girl to realize I’ve been staring at her so that I may slip her this enigmatic ode from Nabokov on a cocktail napkin: “It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.” Any day now…

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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