When I told my parents I was in love with a girl at 16, my parents acted really badly. Even though my parents are not religious, or have anything against gay people, my mom could not accept it from me. I always used to have a great relationship with my mom and suddenly that was gone. When I was 17 I moved out to go to university. That did not go very well. I became depressed, gained a lot of weight, and stayed in bed most of the day. When I was 18 I told my mom that I was gay and that it wasn’t gonna change and after a few weeks she started to accept it. The damage was done though because I was already very depressed. When I figured out that I couldn’t live like that anymore, I changed my own life completely. I lost about 60 pounds, started going to the gym and started excelling at university. Nowadays, my mom and I are best friends again and I’ve got my life back on track.
However, due to the long depression (two years) and the recovery process afterwards (also about two years) I spent most of my time trying to figure myself out and my own identity. I didn’t really have time to love someone and ask them to love me if I couldn’t really love myself yet. I have never been in a relationship and I have never had sex (boy or girl).
I am not a very sexual person and I don’t understand the purpose of one-night-stands and therefore would not want to do that. I would like to be with someone I trust and love (or at least like a lot) and be in a committed relationship with that person before I have sex with them. I feel however that we live in a sexualized society and sex is considered to be so important and I’m scared that once I get into a relationship, the girl I’m with wouldn’t want to wait for me until I’m ready or wouldn’t have the patience for me to help me with certain things (because I am also worried that I’m not really good).
Question 1: Is it weird that I’ve never had sex at 21? Question 2: Are my worries about relationships valid?Normally, I would ask my mom questions but she doesn’t mind that I didn’t have sex yet (duh!) but my friends always act really surprised when I say that and it makes me feel like I’m weird. Thanks in advance.-Jazz
Anna says: If you’re weird, then I’m a big weirdo too, Jazz. I lost my virginity when I was 21. I wasn’t even working through a depression, just your garden variety teenage heartbreak followed by a dry spell and then figuring out I was queer somewhere in there and dealing with that. Matthew Morrison, aka Mr. Shuester from Glee, was also 21. And Tina Fey was 24 when she lost her v-card. If we are all weirdos then let’s have a big weirdo party because that is a party I want to attend. We can even have fancy cheese and one of the flavored kinds of Triscuits.In other words, no, you’re not weird. Sometimes it takes a little longer, especially if you want the experience to not be a one-off after a drunken game of Truth or Dare (hypothetically). You want your first time to be with someone you trust and like a lot, and that takes time too, since it’s rare to meet someone you really connect with after a drunken game of truth or dare hypothetically.
I think you’ve got your head on straight, sugar shoes, and I mean that in the gayest way possible. You know what you want, you’ve worked long and hard to pull yourself out of the crap stew, you take care of your body and mind, and you’ve mended a tough relationship with you mom. Plus, this right here: “I didn’t really have time to love someone and ask them to love me if I couldn’t really love myself yet.” Are you sure you’re only 21? ‘Cause that is a Grade-A truth bomb, the kind of wisdom that is hard fought and hard won. You’re ready to put your heart out into the world, darlin’. Shoot, I’ll even help you edit your online dating profile. That’s how much faith I have that you’re going to be a-OK with the ladeez.
For more on late bloomers and virginity, read this column.
As for our oversexed culture, that much is true, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t people willing to take things slow. If there weren’t, then there wouldn’t be an Usher song about it. I guess also it depends on what your definition of “sex” is. Like, do you want no sexy contact whatsoever? What constitutes virginity to you? Because there’s a lot of area to cover (and uncover) and depending on what you’re comfortable with, I’m sure some girls would be happy to leave certain acts off the table as long as it didn’t mean full-on, no touching, no looking celibacy. Especially if said girl liked you a lot.
As for the second question, with any person we are seeing naked for the first time, we basically have to start from scratch because every lady is different and likes different things in bed. So don’t worry too much about not knowing “what to do” and where to put your elbows and how to make “your bottom lip dance” (that advice comes from Dawson’s Creek and I apologize). Worry instead about being a good communicator. Asking her what she likes is 100 times more likely to yield good times than silently trying to guess, like an awkward game of Charades.
You’re gonna be aces. You’re gonna be Ace of Bases, even. Just believe in yourself and stick to your convictions. Now let’s get back to talking about Triscuits.
For the third time in my life, I’ve accidentally moved in with another lesbian and, for the second time, I’ve ended up sleeping with her. We’ve been living together for three months now but it feels like we’ve been married for 40 years. We share a bed basically every night but don’t really have sex anymore, mainly because I don’t want to. We bicker a lot and have become entirely codependent (I have access to her Paypal account). I really like her as a person and we definitely started sleeping together because there was insurmountable chemistry between us. The thing is, she isn’t the type of person I’d normally go for and the only reason we’d even move in the same circles would be because we’re both gay in a very small town.
I’ve been very clear from the beginning that I don’t do monogamy, which has been my line with everyone for a while. But the whole non-monogamous thing started the first time I was sleeping with a flatmate and was definitely, looking back, because moving out wasn’t an option and I didn’t have the discipline not to indulge in coupliness with her, even though I wasn’t actually that into her. I didn’t want to rule out possibilities with people I really was into. But in practice, those other possibilities were severely limited by the relationship with my flatmate anyway and I ended up resenting her as a kind of dead weight around my neck and then hating myself for being a user and a bitch.
I don’t want to be that person again, but I’ve actually tried putting more distance between myself and my current flatmate and it just doesn’t work. Our setup is too convenient and the sex has already been cut out, so not sharing a bed would feel more like I was saying I didn’t want to be friends than anything. But if I meet someone else, I want to be able to act on it unfettered and even though my flatmate says she’d be fine with it, the very relationship I have with her would probably put other people off. Also, this is the second lesbian flatmate relationship I’ve had and in the past I had a similar thing with a guy I lived with. What is my problem and why doesn’t everyone have it?-Not Your Neighbor
Anna says: Why doesn’t everyone shag their roommates? Because it leads to a lot of far more complicated problems, of which you are all too aware, Not Your Neighbor.
I’m afraid to say it, but you already are “that person again.” You’re involved in a crappy, codependent (why do you even need access to anyone’s Paypal account?!), untruthful, and not-ideal-in-any-way-except-your-walk-of-shame-is-shorter relationship purgatory. And the monogamy line is manipulative at worst and a cop-out at best. You need to knock it off, NYN. Like now. For everyone’s sake, not just your own. You’ve roped your flatmate into not-exactly-agreed-upon celibacy because … why? You’re afraid to be honest with her? Because telling the truth is awkward? ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, the longer you drag this out, the worse it’s going to get, and if you like this girl, as you say you do, and respect her as a person and friend, then you need to set aside your own selfishness and be real with her about your situation.
You don’t want to date her or sleep with her. You bicker constantly and feel trapped. I know it’s winter and everything, but your desire for a warm body to sleep next to should be severely dwarfed by all the other crap you and your faux-housewife are putting up with in this scenario.
If you can’t move out for whatever reason, then at least set some boundaries and go back to being platonic flatmates. What you have now may be “convenient,” but it’s not doing you any real favors, nor is it for your flatmate. You had some chemistry, you tried it out, it didn’t work, and now you have to change the circumstances of this dead-end relationship before it turns into real and lasting damage.
It’s only been three months. You’ve still got a shot at turning things around, but first you have to admit to yourself that this isn’t the relationship you want to be in and act accordingly. Roommate hook ups happen — they can be messy, and no big deal, and on occasion, turn into long-term partnerships. I know you live in a small town but you owe it to yourself and your roommate to put the kibosh on the cuddling and be emotionally honest about the mess you’re both in.
I can only speculate why this is a trend for you, NYN, but I’d urge you to take a hard look at previous situations like this and, if you’ve noticed they are fruitless or terrible, to not do it again. It seems simple and it is. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool around with your flatmates three times and it’s on you. Don’t settle for bed death and fighting over the cable bill, especially not at three months! Muster up some accountability, and deal with the awkward inevitability. You’ll all be happier for it.
p.s. Also maybe consider moving to a bigger town.Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].
