The Hook Up: On Being the Other Woman

Anna, Recently I went out to the local gay bar before my state’s Pride event. After a few quirky, funny run-ins with this unknown crew during the evening’s festivities, I struck up a conversation with a really cool chick and her equally cool wingman. There were a few arm grabs and some quality flirting. Summoning up the courage to ask for her number, I ran into her wingman at the bar. She gave me her friend’s number. Yeah! Which I promptly lost. Boo. She decided to call me so I would have her number, which in the drunken moment made perfect sense. We left things like that since her friend had just reached her beyond tipsy tipping point, as had I. Next morning I texted the wingman, inviting both her and cool chick to a pre-Pride shindig. They declined, as they were preparing for a road trip on Monday morning, which was part of the previous night’s conversation.

So my question is this: How do I approach the wingman about getting her friend’s phone number again? I do not want to come across as creepy stalker girl. Maybe the question is, should I even contact wingman again, or do I let this go and just hope our paths cross again? It’s a small enough community so it’s probable, but then again I was surprised we had not met before.

A girl that no one in my immediate circle knows anything about is like finding a unicorn. A really cool, pretty unicorn. So Anna, go boldly, or let it go? What is your take?—Nerdy in Jersey

Anna says: I went on a first date with this stupid-hot girl one time in Chicago. I thought was out of my league because she looked like Alice from The L Word and worked at the feminist bookstore in my neighborhood, a combination that, along with librarian glasses, proved more lethal to me than a bucket full of Miller High Lifes (or “Miller Low Lifes” as my mother calls it).

The date itself went horribly. She ran into her friend and her friend’s boyfriend while we were on our first drink and invited them to join us for the remainder of the night. I was so nervous that somehow I ended up with the friend’s boyfriend’s number at the end of it all and not so much as a hug goodbye from the Alice lookalike.

Your story reminded me of my date gone awry, NIJ, especially the part where you pocketed the wingman’s phone number and not the one of the girl you were actually interested in. And that you still don’t have it, somehow, even though you’ve been in contact with the wingman in full sobriety.

But, those are all minor details. The question now is: Does anyone know you lost the cute girl’s number? If you told the wingman that and she didn’t fork it over to you, that’s probably a bad sign. If, however, you simply invited the cute girl and co. out once but made no mention of having lost her digits, then by all means, ask for them again.

“Hey! Hope your road trip was great. I seem to have lost Cute Friend’s phone number in my tipsy haze the other night. Would you ask her to text me when she gets a chance so I won’t have to bug you anymore? Thanks!”

Or something like that. This tells the wingman that you are still interested in the friend, but that the ball is also in the friend’s court. It’s up to her if she wants to text you. Granted, since the wingman has had your number all this time, technically she could have already texted you any time, soooo she might not be super interested in you. Or she might just be really lazy or need a little persuading. Either way, trying one more time doesn’t make you a creepy stalker. If, however, after this last communication attempt yields nothing, then just drop it. There are plenty of other tipsy and non-tipsy girls whose numbers you can lose in the future.

Best of luck, NIJ.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at 

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