Hello Anna, I would love your advice on this matter. See, I’m a very gay and proud woman, who attracts straight girls, for some reason. I’m 30 years old and have fooled around with 16 straight girls, since I was 16. My heart has been broken as you can only imagine, several times. The last straight girl situation was with a married woman in her 30s. On a recent trip, we ended up shagging. I, for once, didn’t expect it. One night, on this trip, I got drunk, and went to bed because I was not feeling well. She followed me to my room to check on me, and kissed me on the lips. The next day, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, so I apologized for the drunken kiss, and she insisted I didn’t have to, that actually she was dying to do so and would like to do more while we were sober. The next night, once we were alone, we had sex. I like her, that night I felt something, but for her, it was clearly just sex and nothing more. She’s a friend of a friend, so my contact with her is minimal. Ever since this happened, I keep wondering why? Why me? Why do these girls “try it out” on me and then leave like nothing happened? — R
Anna says: I used to ask myself a similar question, not about straight girls per se, but about why the only invitations I received from people were of the “Let’s have a threesome!” variety. Do I project an I-love-sandwiches vibe? Make too many Three’s Company references? Is it the “I’d do your boyfriend” tattoo on my neck? What?!
After years of investigation and the kind of tedious self-reflection that only queer women can master, I chalked the bizarre propositions up to a few things: One, I was in college. Everyone wanted to do everyone. Two, I was an out bisexual, and stereotypes say bisexuals heart threesomes. Three, and this is the most important one: I kept saying yes to those propositions, which, unsurprisingly, led to further propositions.
Now I’m certainly not blaming you for the actions of others. It seems like this last married straight lady pursued you, and also kind of took advantage of you when you were drunk, which is shady at best and a little gross at worst (What if you yacked on her?). But there comes a point where, if you want to stop getting your heart broken by straight ladies, you’re going to need to start saying no to them. Even if they’re really hot and making come-hither eyes at you. Even if their husbands are out of town. Even if you think it will be OK “just this one night.” Basically, you have to stop letting these women take advantage of you, of playing out their bicurious fantasies on your life. Because for you, these hot nights have consequences. It might be different if you wanted a fling or one-night stand, but those kinds of things don’t typically lead to heartbreak (or to emails sent to advice columnists).
So worry less about “why” you keep getting the attentions of these game, straight ladies, and focus instead on what YOU can do to change your situation. You can’t alter the behaviors of others — there will always be a curious lady wanting to know what it’s like to kiss a babely dyke such as yourself — but you can change your reactions to the propositions.
That’s what I did all those years ago, during my “threesome bonanza” period (I wrote an essay on it, if anyone is at all curious). I started saying no. Most people listened, and respected my wishes. And when new people came, I said no to them too. Eventually, the situation started to change and I didn’t have to try so hard. I told myself I was no longer the girl who said yes to everything in the moment and then felt weird about it later. Until I finally believed it.
I encourage you to seek out a new version of yourself. Not the version you are perceived to be by others, but the truer one. Don’t accept your role as the person straight girls “try sex out” on if that’s not who you are or what you want.
Change the course. Say no. It’s liberating, I assure you.
Best of luck.