Dear Anna, I have always known I’m bisexual, with a slight preference for girls. I’ve been called out on this repeatedly throughout my teen years, but I’ve never openly confirmed or denied it. In high school, I made out with a few guys, and felt quite dispassionate about it. However, the summer after high school I entered into a longterm relationship with a guy. A month ago, we broke up after two and a half years.
Since we broke up, I’ve hooked up with a few guys, and I enjoyed those hook ups. The other night I went out with my manager from work (I work as an assistant in the bookstore, she’s the lower level manager), and we ended up making out. She also just got out of a longterm relationship with a guy. We saw each other at work after that night but didn’t talk about it. We’ve texted every day though, and she just changed her whatsapp image to a quote: “If you think about something at least once a day, don’t give up on it.”
I’m not certain what I should do. On the one hand, I’m awkward about pursuing a girl because I’m not totally comfortable with being openly bisexual. I’m also not totally certain of where she lies on the sexuality spectrum. And complicating all this is the little matter of us working together, and her being my direct superior! But I do like her. I guess. Do I like her enough to go through all this hassle though? What do I do? – Long Winded
Anna says: You do like her, you guess? That’s not exactly an enthusiastic endorsement, LW. And it sounds like you’re both in a heartbreaky place where you probably shouldn’t be pursuing anything “serious.” However, if you want to have the occasional make-out session or rebound with this gal … then, well, it’s still not the greatest idea because she’s your supervisor, but it’s a bookstore, not, like, some corporate law office or other rules-based establishment with strict dating policies. So it’s probably not going to ruin your career if you have a fling with your manager, in other words.
I’d invite this gal out for drinks with you again, and find out more about where she’s at. Tell her you enjoyed the making out and that you’d like to do that again, if she’s down for a low-commitment, casual, fun arrangement. If she’s not, oh well-no harm, no foul. Then you can focus your energies on other babely rebounds (or you know, on overcoming your heartache).
One other thing: Try not to parse her social media accounts in order to determine if quotes/song lyrics/cryptic status updates mean anything. I know it’s tempting (and Lawd knows I have done it myself too many times), but you’ll drive yourself crazy, so try not to.
Good evening. I have a question that I need an answer for since me and my friends were arguing about it. The question is: Can a relationship with a married woman (she’s married to a guy) with four kids work? It’s a hidden relationship. Is there a future to it? I think not, but my friends said it can work. If so, please tell me how? I think it would be so confusing, plus it’s hidden and there are many people involved. Am I wrong when I said it’s not going to work? – Jane
Anna says: And a good ‘morrow to you, Jane. Relationships that start out as affairs rarely work out. This isn’t to say it’s completely impossible (a few celebrity examples include Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, Sting and Trudie Styler, and Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles), but starting a relationship as an affair heavily stacks the odds against you for a few reasons: One, it’s “hidden,” as you put it, and so your friend is forced to lie and be deceptive (and so is her married lady) in order to maintain it. This is emotionally taxing and tends to lead to a lot of guilt and other negative feelings. Two, she’s got four kids to think about. If the married lady were to leave her husband, could your friend take care of and support four children? That’s a lot to take on. Also, the affair might be used as evidence that she’s an “unfit” mother in a custody battle if her husband were to go that route. Three, there’s a tremendous amount of social stigma attached to affair partners (not to mention lesbian affair partners). If the relationship were to progress beyond its affair status, they would no doubt have to face the repercussions of it from friends, family, the ex-husband, and others, which many people have trouble dealing with. Four, because the relationship started out illicitly, the new relationship is likely to suffer from trust issues, i.e. “if she cheated with you, what’s to stop her from cheating on you.”
Shorter answer: You are right. You have my permission to try to talk your friend out of her affair, but, as we’ve talked about before, she probably won’t listen.
Dear Anna, I recently came out as a bisexual to my parents. It wasn’t planned; they just asked me and I decided I’m tired of lying and said the truth. My father was OK with it, but my mother somehow can’t accept it. I’m at the university now, I don’t live with my parents anymore, I don’t even live in the same city, but because of my mother’s business trips I meet her once in a while, and quite often she brings up the topic of my sexuality. She suggests that I’m not really bi, that it’s a phase, that I think I’m attracted to women because I saw my parents’ marriage fall apart, or that I’m scared of men, or I don’t feel comfortable with my femininity.
While I know that she may be right, in a way (I fear rejection, and I’ve always been a tomboy), I feel that my loving women is genuine. I remember the joy and relief I felt when I admitted to myself that I’m bi and I feel that it doesn’t stem from my other problems. I’ve tried explaining that many times, but she’s never convinced and these conversations always leave me feeling frustrated and hurt and lonely. What’s more- maybe because my mother is a well-known psychologist and she knows much more about human psyche than I do – I sometimes start questioning my own feelings. For example, when I like a girl I sometimes doubt that I really like her, in a “maybe I just find her pretty and funny and cute but only subconsciously I’m convincing myself that I’m attracted to her because I feel more comfortable around girls” way.
I don’t want to desperately look for a girlfriend to prove anything (including to myself) because it’s unfair and I know it doesn’t work like that; but I feel really tired and don’t know what to do or how to talk to my mother about it. Should I just avoid this topic altogether? I’d be grateful for any advice or even just your thoughts on that matter. – A
Anna says: Your mom is a well-known psychologist who’s never heard of bisexuality? OK, I’ll be fair. She’s probably heard of it, but she is deeply in denial. Not an uncommon response for parents whose children have recently come out to them. You need to set some clear boundaries with your mom. The next time she comes to town (you can also call or email her if you’re more comfortable with that), tell her you love her, and you’re happy to talk about your life with her, but that you’re not going to discuss your sexuality with her. And then be firm about it. If she persists in trying to make you feel bad about yourself, then take a break from her (you could also find yourself suddenly “very busy at school”) for a while until she learns to deal with her own biphobia and how to respect your boundaries.
My mom (also a psychologist, funny enough) thought my sexuality was a phase too, when I first told her about it. (More on coming out tips here.) She came around pretty quick though, and I think your mom will do. Just give it time and take the space you need (I know she’s your mom, but you’re a grown-ass adult now, and have every right to assert your independence).
I would also advise you to try not to rationalize away your feelings about girls. Your attraction and desire do not need a deeper meaning, nor do they have to be linked to some subconscious underpinning that has yet to surface. A cute girl is a cute girl. Accept the thoughts when they come, but don’t dwell on it. It sounds like you’ve still got a ways to go in terms of your own self-acceptance-and that’s fine. Coming out is a lifelong process and it’s OK to go as fast or as slow as you need to figure things out. But do try to remember that “joy and relief” you felt after admitting to yourself that you’re bi. When you hold on to those truths about yourself, it makes it that much harder for other people to try to convince you that you’re “wrong.”
I’m reminded of this poem by Joanna Hoffman called “Pride,” in which she writes:
“It’s in our bones not to take shame into our blood / But to live boldly … And I didn’t say thank you for not allowing my heart to be strip searched / By those who wanna know if my love is pure enough / Because I’ve already spent years / Committing hate crimes against myself / And I already know all of those tricks.”It’s time to start unlearning some of those tricks, A. It’s time to start living boldly. Good luck.
p.s. I mention quite a few bi resources and info about bisexuality and invisibility in this previous column. Take a gander.
Dear Anna, I am a lesbian from an Eastern European country, where things are not so great right now, and its does not seem to get any better. We had some quite violent Pride riots, and even our LGBTQ+ community is kind of sexist, racist, and self-hating. I experienced a hate crime personally, and as a result, I have anxiety disorders. But I don’t really trust any of the local doctors to get any professional help.
So I decided leave Absurdistan for good, but I am a bit scared. I kind of feel like a coward for running away, but it makes me furious as well, because I honestly doubt I could change here anything or live like this for much longer.
Right now I’m single. I have a not so useful college degree, a supporting and accepting family, and an EU passport as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Could you give me some practical advice on how to do this? How should I choose a country? How do you start a life from zero? How am I going to find a girlfriend if I get panic attacks at queer-related events? I guess being gay and an immigrant are not easy, but I did flirt with neo nazis to pass as straight before, so it not gonna be worse than that. – Petrified Butterfly
Anna says: You have every right to be scared, PB. Starting your life over is fucking scary even under the best of circumstances. But it’s also exciting – and for you, it seems necessary. I’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured, but I’m also glad you have the means to get the hell out (others aren’t so lucky). As to what country you should go to, I’d say you should choose a place with a decent human rights track record and where you know at least one (tolerant and tolerable) person, if that’s possible. Sweden? England? The Netherlands? Canada? I realize that’s not in Europe, but as an American, it’s the first place we always talk about moving to when wanting to quit the US. (For other countries that allow same-sex marriage, go here.)
Once you decide on a place and get settled, before you even think of trying to find a girlfriend, I would suggest you go see a therapist to deal with your anxiety and panic attacks. (Perhaps add “universal healthcare” to your list of country requirements). It’s hard to build a new life when we haven’t taken the time to deal with our grief from the old one. Plus, a therapist can also help you figure out ways to cope with being an immigrant in a new country.
Also, maintain your support system. Don’t lose touch with your supportive and awesome family (and friends) even though they may be farther away. It’s important to remain connected to the people who still have your back when you’re adjusting to new and scary circumstances.
And don’t fret too much about your degree. Many queer people have not-so-useful college degrees! Hello, Creative Writing with a Minor in Sleeping with Women’s Studies Grad Students.
Lastly, you “start life from zero” by taking it one day at a time. The sensations and physical responses of fear (sweaty palms, increased heart rate, nervousness) are very similar to how we feel when we fall in love. I encourage you to view your life in these more optimistic terms. Allow yourself the chance to experiment with possibility. Ask yourself: Who do I most want to become? In starting over, you have a tremendous opportunity to reset your life for the better. I urge you to devote yourself to this pursuit doggedly. Let your frustrations and fears be driving forces that inspire you to break out of that cocoon, Petrified Butterfly. As the great poet Rainer Maria Rilke put it, “Here, in the realm of decline, among momentary days, be the crystal cup that shattered even as it rang. Be – and yet know the great void where all things begin, the infinite source of your own most intense vibration, so that, this once, you may give it your perfect assent.”
Overseas AfterEllen readers, what say you? What advice/cities/countries would you suggest to PB?
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].
