The Hook-Up: 8-25-2010

Hi Anna,

Recently my friend came out to me and my friends as bi while we were playing "I never." Since then, I kinda don’t know how to talk to her. (I’m gay, by the way.) I don’t know what’s really going on right now. I guess I just never thought she was bi because I didn’t care. And now I feel like something has been lost between us since she shared this secret with us. I’m confused and scared about my reaction. I suppose I should be happy and all, but I really don’t know how I feel about it at all.

So my question is: why am I afraid of this situation? Why can’t I just be happy for my friend and be glad I have someone who’ll accept me for 100% when I’ll finally come out? I hope you can get me out of it somehow.

Anna says: Alright, I will this once, but don’t come runnin’ back to me when your friends start asking about that random chick with the glasses who keeps showing up and ruining your games of “I never.”

So you’re not out to your friends — that’d be my first guess as to why you’re afraid. Did they respond favorably to your bi friend? If so, then what do you have to lose by coming out to them? Unless you have a “one queer per group of friends” deal. Pretty sure I saw that on Groupon the other day. I applied to be the token queer to a delightful group of solar panel salesmen, but they said I was too hipster. A-holes. What were we talking about? Oh right — me fixing your life.

Aside from being afraid that your friends won’t accept you, maybe you’re scared/confused because this chick stole your thunder. Maybe you wanted to be the first to wave your rainbow flag to the world, but this “I never” chick, who’s really more like “I sometimes” if she’s truly bisexual, beat you to the punch and now you resent her for it a little. Or maybe now that you know she’s bi, you want to make out with her in a coat closet, whereas you never considered her to have date potential before. Or maybe you’re afraid of drinking games, generally.

Regardless, you should be happy for her. Coming out is hard, sometimes more so than Sudoku puzzles. And now you have an ally, or at least someone to roll your eyes with whenever someone says Tila Tequila is a “gay activist.” Talk to her. Tell her of your surprise and confusion. Tell her you too enjoy “softball” and “processing” and “spelling wimmyn 37 different ways.” Or just tell her you’re gay. If you need to, you can use your fingers — like the “I never” game, you dirty birds.

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Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley.

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