Dear Anna, I’ve been single for almost a year now. I’ve dated a few people, had some casual flings, and even got swept up by one girl who had a boyfriend. What they all had in common, aside from not working out, was this: They were straight. I mean, “straight” since they obviously had some passing interest in me. I don’t want this to become a habit, but I also tend to like femmey girls, and they kind of all look straight at first.
Am I jinxing myself somehow? Why am I only consistently falling for straight girls, and does it even matter if they still want to date me? —Wants A Straight Answer
Anna says: Well, Anna Pulley, I mean WASA, this very topic has plagued many a lady lovin’ lady, and if you’ll permit me, I’d like to use your question as further evidence for the “Will Women Who Want To Sleep With Me Please Wear A Button” bill that I’m proposing in the Arizona legislature, since they’ll try to make pretty much anything a law these days.
Your attraction to straight women may be rooted in the desire for the unattainable, but you’re right that sometimes it’s impossible to tell the beersexuals from the bonafides. Even on OkCupid, where you are forced to label yourself, 1/3 of the girls who message me identify as straight. So, who the hell knows? Not me, obviously.
“I think we also tend to chase after unavailable women because we aren’t necessarily in a place where we want to settle down. And that’s OK. Friends are quick to point out patterns in our love lives — Curiously, these friends are often happily coupled — but patterns don’t always mean anything, nor do they have to become self-fulfilling prophecies.”
Speaking from personal experience, lusting after straight girls does wear on you after a while. Also, there are so many uncertainties in dating already — do your belief systems match? Are you moving too slowly/quickly? Will she find your Evanescence collection endearing? – that it seems needlessly masochistic to try to date people who don’t at least openly share your sexual orientation. I’m generalizing a little bit. Obviously this doesn’t apply to girls across the board, but in your case, I’d try to make a more conscious effort to:
1. Find out early on whether your crush likes to ride the bearded clam
2. Pursue women that you are fairly certain will have more than a passing interest in you
Lastly, perhaps you are tired of chasing girls who fit the typical (read: obvious) queer mold and want a change. I can’t say I blame you. Straights are really in this season. As soon as Labor Day rolls around though, you’ll want to add a few more patterns to your sex life. These aren’t my rules, but Tim Gunn’s.