The Hook Up: 4-13-2011


I never dated anyone in high school. When I was 20, I started dating guys, but never felt a “connection” with any of them. I have only ever slept with men — two to be exact. I just always forced myself to have sex because, well, I was married, and that’s what married people do.

I recently went on a meditation retreat. I developed a gigantic crush on the female teacher at the retreat. I had fantasies about her. Every time she sneezed, coughed, or laughed, it made me smile and laugh. Her eyes were amazing. I have never felt that way about anyone. I just wanted to leave with her and start a new life.

She was married, and so was I during that time, so I know that she and I are not going to happen unless some magic cosmic force reunites us and turns her into a lesbian. Do you ever only feel this for one person in your life or can it happen again? Oh and does this mean what I think it means? What do I do now? -Oh so confused

Anna says: I’m not sure, Confused. I ordered my magic cosmic lesbian force changer weeks ago, but it still hasn’t arrived! That’s the last time I buy anything from SkyMall magazine.

Does having a crush on a woman mean you’re a lesbian? Hardly. If it did, then every straight woman who’s fantasized about Angelina Jolie would be freaking out right now! Does compulsory sex with men that you don’t enjoy and never experiencing a connection with those you date mean you’re a lesbian? Maybe! I guess you’ll have to do some digging, Confused, but probably not with your meditation hottie.

Here’s why I think that: One, for all you know she’s still married. Two, it’s perfectly normal, and some may say expected, to fall for our teachers. Partly because power and authority are erotic, and teachers have that in abundance. Also, those who have a daily meditation practice tend to be calmer, more peaceful and radiant, which are traits that are very easy to feel drawn toward. I’m not trying to downplay your connection to this woman or anything, just giving you a different perspective. I’ve had crushes on pretty much every yoga teacher I’ve ever had — even the gay men, for similar reasons. Also, duh, they can put their legs behind their head.

According to the incredibly scientific site, 83% of respondents think it’s normal to be extremely attracted to a teacher. But barring normalcy, which is rarely ever helpful in matters of the heart and loins, what you should do is go on a few dates with women. Hell, you can even try meeting them at a meditation or yoga class.

Or, if that’s too scary, then get thee online. It may take a little time (or a lot of time), but rest assured, Confused, that you will most definitely feel this strongly about someone again, as long as you keep your mind and heart open to all possibilities. If you’d permit me to go all hippie, crystal-rubbing doo-rag on you a bit further, I think Rumi summed it up best when he said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built.”

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at

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