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The Hook Up: 3-30-2011

I have been dating this girl for almost three years. We are in a long-distance relationship and, in a way, it’s been going great. However, one thing has been bugging me. We make plans to see each other every couple of weeks but every time we start talking about when we will see each other next, I start feeling trapped. I ask myself why I feel this way and when this feeling started happening. When did making plans to see each other become a chore and done more out of obligation than because you really want to see the other person? Do you have any advice as to why this is happening and what I should do? – Vacay

Anna says: I would like to counter your question with a question, and ask, when you do actually see her, after all the fretting and feeling trapped and obligated, how do you feel? Are you still wildly in love with her? Do you smile like a fool and quote the Indigo Girls on your Facebook page? Or do you feel like you’ve just scheduled a 48-hour dentist appointment that you must grin and bear because having attractive incisors is important to your five-year plan? If it’s the latter, Vacay, then I’d be concerned. Also, since you said you’ve been reflecting on it, surely you must have a few ideas as to why you might be feeling stuck.

Here are a few guesses on my end: It could be because you like your freedom and independence when you’re away from her, one major perk of LDRs, and when you have to interrupt that independence for the sake of someone else, even someone you love, it can lead to resentment. It could also be that you feel your relationship has gotten routine or predictable, and you’re rebelling against that. Or, it could be that the relationship has run its course, and you’re searching for a way out.

It’s no secret that long-distance relationships are harder than most. You have to be more creative, more trusting, more patient, and cultivate closeness in ways that often seem less personal (I don’t care how many times I read about it in blogs, “Skype sex” is not a substitute for actual sex!).

While we’re on a tangent, how are other areas of your life? Are you stressed at work? Is there family drama? Is student loan debt making you want to fork out your own eyes and feed them to chipmunks? Life burdens can and do get in the way of our relationships sometimes. It’s important to distinguish whether the relationship is a symptom of stress/anxiety or the cause of it, however. Just food for thought.

Ultimately, of course, it’s up to you to figure out what’s nagging at you. I would suggest bringing this up with the girlfriend, even though it’s no easy task. In addition to being more creative, LDRs also force us to be braver. Ask tough questions of yourself, but don’t be afraid to express the potentially tough answers either.

Best of luck, Vacay.

I’ve been working at my company for a year now and from day one, my straight co-worker has had my attention. She’s extremely smart, very attractive, and is a woman of authority. And as much as I love having a muse in the office, this crush has proved to be a wanton distraction.

How can I move forward and not let this distraction affect my performance at work? Or is this an attraction worth pursuing? In any other situation, if I knew a crush wasn’t good for me, I would distance myself from her until I could get over it. But because I have no choice but to see and communicate with her everyday, I feel like my feelings are growing and there’s no hope in them going away. Any guidance you can offer is greatly appreciated! – Over-worked and Under-paid

Anna says: It’s uncanny how similar your situation is to my last big office crush, Over-worked. I too would fawn over this girl’s every interaction, analyze the emoticons in her g-chats to me, and generally do whatever she asked me to do, which once involved darning an item of her clothing (not in my job description). The good news is I have lots o’ advice on the subject. The bad news is, you’re probably not gonna like it.

Let me first say that pursuing someone you work with is generally not the wisest idea. Pursuing someone who does not share your sexual orientation ups the un-wiseness even more. Also, you didn’t explicitly say this, but if she has “authority” aka the power to fire you or out you when you’re not ready, then that makes it even riskier still.

All that said, Over-worked, plenty of people ignore all of these factors and pursue something anyway. It’s not unheard of for lasting relationships to start after a boozy hook up at an office holiday party, or equivalent. It’s also not unheard of for people to end up horribly embarrassed and/or forced to quit their cushy jobs because of ill-conceived romances. I happen to fall into the camp of Learning Things The Hard Way, but you have to decide whether the potential risks outweigh the consequences, especially since you already feel uncomfortable around this chick a lot of the time.

The most direct route to “moving forward” as you put it is simple: make a move on her or confess your feelings. Either she’ll be into you, and you can properly start her lez-ucation, which will surely be filled with lots of slow-mo shots of you spinning in circles like they do in Katherine Heigl movies, and eating lots of yogurt-granola breakfast cups with the same spoon.

Or she won’t be into you. You’ll undergo a brief but arduous period of awkwardness whereby you’ll shield your face with staplers and TPS reports to avoid seeing her, but slowly and surely things will normalize again, and your crush on her will start to wane.

There’s a third option, too: Find someone else to crush on. It’s all too easy to become infatuated with people at work because we see them all the time (duh). There were times when I saw my coworkers more than my actual girlfriend, which was sad, and perhaps a reflection of how we all work too damn much. Speaking of, you better have gotten paid overtime for those weekends you spent enchanted by your crush’s sweater vest, Over-worked. Otherwise, that’s just wrong.

The great thing about crushes is that they aren’t sustainable. If you choose to do nothing, eventually, you’ll become simply friends, or one or both of you will start dating someone, and you’ll begin to see her as a real person, as opposed to a goddess in pleated pants. This is what happened with me, and truth be told, it couldn’t have worked out better. I still wanted to make out with her on top of the mail supplies and post-its from time to time, but it wasn’t not nearly so stifling.

What say you, Queeries? Have you ever successfully picking up a straight coworker? Any tips for Over-worked?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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