I just started seeing this drop-dead gorgeous girl. She’s kind of a wild one — not usually the type I go for, but definitely someone who is challenging my expectations and keeping me on my toes.
Recently, she asked me if I would give her a lap dance, and to be honest, the thought kind of terrifies me. I’m not a dancer, unless you think of dancing as “Muppet spasms.” So that’s a barrier, but another part of me thinks "Just get over yourself and do it! How hard could it be?" And it does sound like fun. What do you think should I do?
Anna says: You’ve come to the right place, my friend. All AfterEllen staffers are required to watch Carmen Electra’s “Strip Your Way To Great Writing” series, so I can easily give you a lecture on the gerund verb while unhooking my bra with my teeth. But I’m not quite to the lap-dancing-without-using-the-passive-voice video yet. So I’ll have to improvise some.
I say, do it! If there’s anything I’ve learned from the bag that my overpriced yoga clothing comes in, it’s that we should do one thing a day that scares us. Also, apparently we should be flossing, like, all the time. But the fear advice sounds good too. Especially since a lap dance falls relatively low on the scale of activities that could kill you, right up there with petting a manic squirrel and brisk walking. Since I’ve given precisely zero lap dances, however, I took your question to the e-streets of Facebook, where several folks weighed in, some of them former professional lap dancers. They all conceded that a good lap dance involved these things:
Confidence, confidence, confidence. Eye contact. Attitude. A sense of humor. And tequila. One person also said the key to sexy dancing is “brie,” but working spreadable cheese into your routine falls into the realm of Jedi Master lap dancing, so we’re not going to explore that further.
If you need a little inspiration, the internet is at your disposal. The scene from the Tarantino movie Death Proof is inspiring, as are pretty much every cell phone video taken at a club called the Truck Stop in L.A. Thank you for allowing me to delve into that bit of research, by the way. Pick a song that puts you at ease and gets you in the mood. Slow and sensual is best. “Play (Dirty)” by David Banner came up a few times, as did Britney’s “I’m a Slave 4 U,” Janet Jackson’s “Anytime, Anyplace,” NIN’s “Closer,” Ginuwine’s “Pony,” Danzig’s “She Rides” etc. Those are just jumping off points, obvs. Choose music that makes you feel like the rockstar that you are.
Most importantly, have fun with it. If you’re not enjoying yourself, it’s going to show. And no one likes a surly lap dance, except perhaps Gary Busey, or a wench.
Readers? Any other advice for our novice lap dancer? Song suggestions?
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley.