The Hook Up: 11-17-2010



So my gf is still in high school (she’s a junior) and I’m a freshman in college (we’re a year and a half apart in age and she’s highly mature for her age). Most of our friends happen to be in their late 20s and 30s and she can’t stand most of her class’s behaviors.

We’ve been dating for nearly a year now, and we spend hours talking about living together and she has told me she eventually wants to marry someday (whether it be me, or some future GF if we break up). I was wondering exactly how do we go about explaining moving in together pretty much as soon as I’m done with college and she’s done with high school (will be around the same time) to our families without them thinking we’re going way too fast.

Anna says: If your relationship survives the two years it’ll take for your girlfriend to finish high school, then you’ll have been together for about three years. That’s hardly moving “way too fast,” innit? In fact, that’d practically make you common law married. You shouldn’t have a problem convincing your families that your relationship is solid enough for cohabitation at that point.

So no need to worry, Sugar Shoes. If for some reason, they are skeeved out by your moving in together, and I’d be really surprised if they were, assure them that you’ve thought this through and it’s something you both really want. Tell them you value their opinion and support, (if you do, that is. If you don’t, then who cares what they think?) and ask them nicely to respect your decisions. Then ask them why the hell they’re standing around when there are clearly boxes to be duct taped and U-Hauls to be procured. If they need further inspiration, show them this delightful music video by the amazing That’s What She Said crew.


And remember: Bend from your knees!

I’m a female from the Philippines and in the service. I’m kind of confused about whether I’m gay or not. I choose not to be with anyone because I don’t know what I really want. I do like girls but I also have crushes with boys. I also have gay friends in the service but I’m worried that my other friends wont accept me the way they I accept them. My mom is going to freak out since I belong to a very conservative family.

Anyway, I broke a friend’s heart seven years ago. She’s working in another country right now, but we still talk once in a while. I think I’m in love with her. I’m not sure but I think I am. I don’t know if I should tell her because I’m not even sure if I’m gay or not, and I’m pretty sure she’s straight. Please enlighten me. I don’t know what to do.

Anna says: Whoa, that’s a lot of “not sures” in one paragraph, my friend. Let’s start with the easiest bit and work our way up, yeah?

Don’t contact this mysterious girl whose heart you somehow broke seven years ago despite not knowing her sexual orientation. She’s in another country, for starters. Or rather, you can contact her, but don’t confess your “maybe love” for her. Trust your gut. If it’s telling you you’re unsure, then you’re unsure and there’s no need to declare your uncertainty. To really love someone, you have to be fearless. I don’t think you’re there yet, and that’s OK.

Second, it’s also OK to be unsure about your sexuality. You don’t have to declare that either — especially what with all the hullabaloo surrounding Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, it’s probably not wise to do so at this juncture anyway. So put those labels out of your mind for the moment. You’re not gay or bi or straight or pansexual or Larry King. You’re a person who is striving to find love and acceptance in a world that makes such things difficult to obtain. Embrace that, in yourself, and eventually the rest will fall into place regardless of whether you attach a name to it.

Third, why do you assume your friends won’t accept you for who you are? If they don’t accept you whole-heartedly, then brush them aside because they aren’t worthy of your friendship anyway.

Fourth, face your fears. It’s the only way to realize that they don’t have any real hold on us in the long run. Go out and live your life with as much sincerity and humor as you can muster. Coming out to your conservative family, finding love, exploring your sexuality – all that comes second. You have to be OK with yourself first, and accept the not knowing.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley.

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