“The ‘Gossip Girl’ Tinies,” or “Who’s gonna die on ‘Gossip Girl?’”

 
 

In 1963, Edward Gorey wrote The Gashlycrumb Tinies, a book that relays the deaths of 26 children (each representing a letter of the alphabet) in rhyming couplets, accompanied by black-and-white drawings representing their deaths.

This week, Jessica Szohr, who plays Vanessa on Gossip Girl, let it slip to TV Guide that someone in the cast will die later this season:

There’s a lot going on. There’s a love triangle between Vanessa, Nate and Jenny, there’s a funeral — that’s all I can say. We can’t talk about it!

Today, I present to you The Gossip Girl Tinies, in which I speculate on the means of death suffered by certain main and supporting cast members of Gossip Girl.

A is for Alison — car wreck in upstate New York,

B is for Blair — choked herself with a fork.

C is for Chuck — acquired a fatal STD,

D is for Dan — slipped on a pile of indie CDs.

E is for Eric — hung himself with a rope,

G is for Georgina — this one time, at boot camp, she dropped the soap.

H is for Howie (“The Captain”) — OD’d on blow,

J is for Jenny — stabbed at a fashion show.

L is for Lily — E. coli spread in her tummy,

M is for Marcus — smothered by dear mummy.

N is for Nate — strangled by an argyle sock,

R is for Rufus — hit by a bottle for failing to rock.

S is for Serena — flung over a deck,

V is for Vanessa — fell down and snapped her neck.

As we learned from The L Word, even main cast members aren’t safe. So which Upper East- Sider (or Brooklynite) will not live to overindulge at another Sunday brunch, attend another White Party, snort another line of cocaine, or down another glass of single-malt scotch? Any guesses?

 
 

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