The Gay Girl’s Guide to 2013 Fall TV


Dracula (NBC, Friday, October 25, 10 p.m.): OK, so the vampire thing is sort of played out. But this does seem like the role Jonathan Rhys Meyers was born to play, and it’s from the producers of Downton Abbey, so it might be a guilty pleasure worth watching.

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC, Thursday, October 10, 8 p.m.): The good people at the Disney Corporation looked at the tale of Alice and her remarkable adventures and realized that what she really needed was a genie boyfriend. I would recommend it only to fans of the current OUAT and advise fans of the original books to steer clear.

The Originals (The CW, Thursday, October 3, 8 p.m.): This might be terrible but my judgment is skewed because 1. My girlfriend already watches Vampire Diaries and it sounds fun. 2. It’s set in New Orleans, where I live, so it makes me feel close to stardom to watch it and 3. I have unresolved feelings for the actress who played Adele on The L Word, and she’s in it.

Almost Human (Fox, Monday, November 4, 9 p.m.): This  J. J. Abrams-produced, big-budget CGI extravaganza is set in a future where human cops have robot partners. With Minka Kelly and Lili Taylor (who I would watch in anything) costarring, this promises to be part police procedural, part exploration of what it means to be human. As long as it’s heavy on the latter, I’m in.

Sleepy Hollow (Fox, Monday, September 16, 9 p.m.): Dear network heads, not every pitch you greenlight has to be based on a beloved children’s story. If you want to make a show about a hot Revolutionary War soldier suddenly waking up in 2013 to do battle with witches and be confused by Starbucks, then MAKE THAT SHOW. But please leave Washington Irving out of it.

Witches of East End (Lifetime, Sunday, October 6, 9 p.m.): Lifetime, television for women, knows you still miss Charmed. Shhhhh, it’s all right. Here’s another witchy family.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, Tuesday, September 24, 8 p.m.): It’s Joss Whedon. What more do you need to know?

Returning Champions

The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday, September 29, 9 p.m.): The drama is introducing a new lady love interest for Kalinda this season. Hope all you fans have an easier time than last year, with that dreadful husband guy.

Glee (Fox, Thursday, September 26, 9 p.m.): The show is, of course, coping with the tragic loss of Cory Monteith, and hopefully also giving our favorite sapphic singing sensation a little more romance.

Parks and Recreation (NBC, Thursday, September 26, 8 p.m.): With Tatiana Malany guest-starring and Ron Swanson possibly becoming a father, this season qualifies as something to live for.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, Thursday, September 26, 9 p.m.): This season picks up exactly where the last one left off, which means Calzona fans have a rough road ahead of them.

Lost Girl (Showcase, Sunday, November 10, 10 p.m.): All the usual shenanigans PLUS guest appearances by Ali Liebert, Mia Kirshner and George Takei. I’m so excited I could suck someone’s soul out through their mouth.

American Horror Story: Coven (FX, Wednesday, October 9, 10 p.m.): No word so far on any lesbianism, but with, like, half of the world’s greatest actresses in the cast, this season promises to be legendary.

Chicago Fire (NBC, Tuesday, September 24, 10 p.m.) : Will Shay have Severide’s baby, or will she somehow use her sexual tension with Dawson to immaculately conceive?

So what will you be tuning in for this fall?

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