“The Fosters” recap (2.5): Panic! at the woodshed


Lena is sitting in the bed of forgotten sex and wishing that the first trimester would be over so she can get to the fourth month when her energy and sex drive will come back (Phoebe and Rachel are out hunting for a suitable replacement for Evander Holyfield.) Stef says, yeah baby that sounds nice but I think Mike’s a murderer. Lena can’t imagine Mike killing Ana but tells Stef that she has to turn in the dental records.

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Brandon and the city kids are tromping through the woods. Turns out the “woodshed” is really a cliff and some pot brownies. Brandon says no thanks but finally relents because peer pressure is exactly as dangerous as they taught you in D.A.R.E.

Back at school Jesus is doing a terrible job of disentangling himself from the mess of girls. Hayley is a stage-five clinger and wants to tell everyone that they are a couple while he would like to tell no one ever because Emma is cute and fun and not super clingy. Instead of saying that he kisses her some more.

Back on the cliff, the drummer is playing the guitar and they are making songs out of rejected Dr. Seuss rhymes. When Lou plays a word association game with Brandon he pairs sex and guilt before starting to freak out. He stumbles into the woods.

In the house that is almost as busy as Grand Central, Callie has decided that she wants to have sex with Wyatt. She wants to take some control back in her life. Wyatt double, triple, quadruple checks that she’s sure.

Brandon is wandering around the woods and freaking the hell out. He sends a text back up to the top of the hill and then makes a phone call. Back home, Callie and Wyatt are hooking up until Callie starts to panic. She says she feels like she can’t breathe, pushes him away, and leaves the room.

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Brandon is in the fetal position on the side of the hill when Lena pulls up. When she asks if he’s okay he says he had a pot brownie and he’s losing his shit. She smirks the most delicious smirk and tells him that they will get through it together. Lena says, I’m your mom, this is what we do. And oh, sonny boy, your mom and I are going to laugh about this for a long time.

Hayley is telling Mariana about Jesus’ deeply flawed break-up technique. They are officially official and it’s so great. Mariana looks at her like she has seven heads and tries to warn Hayley about Jesus and his inability to do anything right. Hayley doesn’t really pay attention and suggests that Mariana break the news to Emma, because that’s the kind thing to do.

Wyatt drops Callie off at the Burger Palace and tries to find out if he did something wrong. She tries to stifle her freak out while he tries to patch up whatever it was that went wrong. Callie, clearly still flustered, says she loves him and gets out of the car.

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Across town, Dani is flipping out at Stef over Mike’s irregular work hours. She wants Stef to pull Mike’s time sheets and figure out if he’s drinking or using drugs or cheating on Dani. Stef is all “am I my ex-husband’s keeper?” But Dani lays on the guilt as thick as possible. Stef isn’t having it until Dani mentions how much Brandon would be hurt if Mike is drinking again. Yes, keep telling yourself you care about hurting Brandon. Inside the precinct, Stef runs into the detective who says the dental records already went to the coroner.

Lena is walking Bradon around a field like he’s a constipated labrador. She tells him that the choices they make change them forever. He starts an intense riff on Crime and Punishment and how one wrong choice can ruin your life for good. Lena isn’t exactly sure what’s up with Mr. Paranoid.

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