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“The Fosters” recap (2.3): “Stop trying to make babymoon happen”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon wanted surgery to fix his hand but then a pretty girl sang a song and he was like “forget my pianist dreams!” Callie met her birth father who has been stalking her for two episodes. Like everything else in her life, he’s a disappointment, but maybe her half sister will be great because things usually work out well for Callie. Emma has a few pointers for Jesus, and he’s not entirely thrilled so she dumps him. Stef and Lena tried a little season one role playing where Stef makes parenting decisions without consulting Lena. Timothy took a break from his Barry Melrose Haircut fanclub to ruin everything by sticking his, er, this time it’s his nose, into the hunt for the next principal of Anchor Beach. And Connor’s dad told him he can’t hang out with Jude anymore because he thinks Jude is gay.

We open in the kitchen where Mariana is pissed because the dance team girls are hanging out without her. The moms want to know when they are going to hear Brandon play with his new band. He says half past never. The moms are hurt, they totally used to go to concerts and have sexy dance parties in their bedroom. Sadly, their most recent plans for sexy time have been cut short due to Lena’s mom being incarcerated in Litchfield. But no worries, Brandon and Callie, the king and queen of responsible teenage behavior volunteer to keep an eye on the place while the moms enjoy their night away.

Brandon is playing with Someone’s Little Sister. No really, that’s the name of the band. Lu is singing and Brandon starts speaking to her in Italian musical terms. She’s not impressed and would, like the rest of us, prefer Brandon to set his mouth to piano all the time. But when he mentions that he has the house without parents the next night they decide it’s the perfect practice space. Just a few friends, nothing big. What could go wrong?

At school Connor is trying to talk to Jude. Connor says he doesn’t care if Jude is, you know. Jude tells him “gay” isn’t a bad word and not using it only increases its power and shame associated with it like some kind of homosexual Voldemort. Then Connor asks Jude if he’s “you know.” Jude says, labels are for clothes not for people. Connor says they can still hang out just not where his dad or anyone with a eyes might be around. Jude says “I’m not interested in being anyone’s secret” before disappearing on the back of a unicorn.

Mariana can see all the “cool” girls hanging out without her and is thrilled when Matt tells her that they are having people over to the Adams Foster house. Mariana hears “party” and thinks she can buy her way into popular with some cheap beer and unsupervised hijinks. Outside in the courtyard Callie is showing Wyatt a picture of her half sister which he mistakes for a picture of her. Callie hasn’t told anyone about her little sister yet. Not her moms, not her other siblings, not even the Judicorn. She thought she’d talk it over with the hair model first. Just as she tells him that she’s in charge and that he can’t come over, Regina George and her minions walk by talking about the rager at the vice principal’s house.

Stef and Lena roll their suitcases into a lovely room and begin their babymoon mini vacation. Lena is happy to get away from their brood, but Stef thinking the room is too small, the mini-bar too expensive, and offers to run to the convenience store to get some snacks. I know I promised you champagne and strawberries baby, but how about a slushy and a jolly rancher.

Back at home Callie is reading Mariana the riot act over this stupid party. She tells Brandon to cancel the party but he has a brand new attitude and he’s not taking orders from Callie. Mariana tells them this is their last chance to have fun because once the baby comes the moms are never going to leave. These dipshits with their adoption papers all signed and their spot in the house nice and secure say “PARTY!” while Callie thinks of the night she spent locked in a room by that crazy foster mom. They will keep the party in the back yard and she and Jude will follow the rules inside, except for the part where they invite Wyatt and Maddie over too.

Brandon assures the moms that everything is totally fine while Jesus walks by with 47 pizzas, a disco ball, and a confetti cannon. Callie is inside barricading the doors and getting ready to protect her domain. No harm will come to the dream kitchen while she and Wyatt are around. Brandon walks in, wearing a blazer, and teases Callie for being no fun. She asks when he became such an ass. Day one Callie. Day one. Wyatt notices that, for the first time, Callie and Brandon are acting like brother and sister.

Upstairs, Jude is taping up signs to keep people out of the moms’ bedroom. Maddie brought a friend and the friend is hoping Connor is coming over. Jude asks if Maddie likes Connor, nope, her friend spills that Maddie likes someone else. Jude’s unicorn like energy is irresistible.

Back in the land of couple’s massages, Stef can’t stop talking. She asks where her masseuse is from, what her mother’s maiden name is, and her birthday. If I didn’t know better, I would think Stef was planning to solve their money woes with a little identity theft. Stef, is this you relaxing? Because you suck at it.

Mariana shows the dance team around the back yard and then gets the rundown on all the rules. If you break any of the rules by dancing, drinking, or acting human you are off the team. Also on Wednesdays we wear pink. Brandon is freaking out because Lu isn’t exactly punctual and takes it out on Jesus by dumping his beer. Inside, Callie and Wyatt are thrilled to be babysitting the bathroom. When Callie goes in to fix the broken toilet, Wyatt lets Connor sneak up to Jude’s room. Wyatt, Captain of the S.S. Jonner.

Jude and the ladies are watching the party out the window like the cutest little Statler and Waldorfs you’ve ever seen. The girls are bored and want to play spin the bottle. There are only three people, Jude says. But here comes Connor, disobeying his old man just so he could see Jude. Jude is thrilled until the girls point out that now there are four people.

Jesus wanders into the garage looking for a cooler but finds a very sad Hayley. She’s crying over her terrible boyfriend. Jesus is sad about Emma and suggests they are both too pretty to be sad. So why not make out? Back in the kitchen, drunk dance girl needs to pee but the bathroom is out of order. When drunky says she’ll pee in the sink (classy) Callie and she says drunky can go upstairs but then ejects a couple trying to make out in the kitchen. Cranky, in-charge, Callie you can stay forever.

Upstairs, the little ones are playing spin the bottle. Maddie spins and Jude is happy when the bottle points toward Connor. Jude is up next but he gets up to make sure his oral hygiene is on point before he returns. He eats some toothpaste and fixes his hair and then turns to find a very drunk Regina George in his bathroom. Jude calls Mariana in to help but when they return, Regina George has vanished like a dead body in Rosewood.

Downstairs, Callie yells at some guys and then asks Mariana where Caitlin went. Mariana tries to pretend that she didn’t just lose McDrunky but Callie isn’t buying it. Callie finds her on the craftmatic sex blocking bed. Callie tries to get her off (not like that!) but before she can haul her drunk ass downstairs, Caitlin ralphs all over the bed. Please let this be the push they need to burn that sucker.

At the hotel Lena is up for watching some lesbian porn called “Breakfast on Tiffany.” Stef launches into a dissertation on how unsexy lesbian porn is. Also unsexy, everything Stef is doing in this episode. Stef starts playing twenty annoying questions about Lena’s massage and succeeds in killing the mood dead. Stef Adams Foster, Raid for the lesbian libido. Lena gets up to take a bath. Alone.

Callie is earning her MVP award by cleaning up the bed where Caitlin booted and telling Mariana to hand drunky over to the other dance girls. Mariana won’t do it because Caitlin could get kicked off the team. Callie is all out of fucks to give on the subject and says just get Wyatt to drive her home.

Connor’s dad shows up and for a guy who could, apparently, spot a kid who is “you know” at 20 meters, he sure as hell can’t tell that there’s a party going on. He goes inside to look for Connor. It’s Connor’s turn to spin the bottle and it lands on Jude. They debate whether they really have to kiss but Maddie’s friend says “rules are rules and frankly, I love some M/M romance, so have at it boys.” Jude tries to back out, but Connor tells him it’s fine and they lean in. Jude’s little brave and hopeful face kills me. Before they can kiss, Callie busts in and tells Connor his dad is looking for him. Connor flips because he snuck out of his house and his dad can’t find him playing spin the bottle with a kid who is “you know.”

If this was a zany British show they would have stuffed Connor in a dumb waiter or something but since it’s America they just use the Jack and Jill bathroom to sneak the little guy out. When Connor’s dad walks in Jude puts his arms around Maddie and her friend and goes “just hanging with my girls.”

Lu shows up late and Brandon flips out about how she doesn’t have enough talent to make people wait. She’s all, well you don’t have enough use of both hands to hold up your massive ego. She storms off right as Callie tells Brandon to get the people out of the house by playing some music or she’s calling the cops.

Stef walks into the bathroom where her gorgeous wife is up to her neck in bubbles. Stef tries to smooth things over with a joke, but this isn’t one of those fights where humor is going to fix it. Lena thinks Stef isn’t trying hard enough because all she talks about are the kids or money and Stef says, babe, your mouth works too. Lena doesn’t think Stef is listening to her half the time so why bother. Stef says, it can’t always be my fault and walks out.

Callie herds teenagers out of the second floor and finds Lu hanging out in Brandon’s room. Lu wants to know if Brandon has always been a pompous ass. Yes, of course he has. Callie explains that Brandon was truly gifted and that he has lost all of that now. She tells Lu that she’s actually doing Brandon a favor, not the other way around. This is just what Lu needs to hear to go back downstairs to the band. We usually think of Callie as being all action. She smashes cars and runs away. But she’s got some unicorn in her too, she just needed a safe enough place to let it out.

The crowd gets restless and Brandon decides to sing the song he wrote for Callie. Miraculously, it not only sounds good but comes across way less creepy when he’s not trying to sneak around and get in her pants. Lu joins in and somehow the band sounds less like something caught in a meatgrinder and more like actual music.

Mariana goes looking for dance team members but when she sees a bra clad Hayley in the garage she runs away. Mariana is so the Chandler, bras freak her out. Hayley tells Jesus they need a condom. Fortunately, the lesbians have a condom dispenser in every room of the house.

Back outside the hotel, Stef is sitting in the dark brooding. Lena sits down and says it isn’t all Stef’s fault. Lena just remembers how great their wedding was and the five minute of peace they had afterward. She just wants to go back to that place where the world wasn’t pulling them in seven different directions. She wants the magic.

The only thing harder than finding someone who makes your heart go boom is finding a way to keep that, “Oh my god I am going to die if I don’t kiss you right now” feeling alive for a year or five or ten or, hell, fifty years. For these two, they fell into a life full of ups and downs and more kid drama than most families can handle. But then in the midst of all that they took a moment and had a day. They had a day that was only about the two of them and their love. They took a break from packing lunches and driving kids all over town to stop and tell the world how much they loved each other and it was so intoxicating Lena can’t help but wonder why every day isn’t like that.

I’m not a big faith person. At least not in the way most people think of it. I’m a flaming heathen who refuses all attempts to drag me to church on principle. But here’s the thing, if you are going to have a successful long-term relationship you have to have faith. You got into the whole thing because of the magic. Geez Louise, some girl gave you that look and you nearly fell over. And you push in all your chips because the magic is real, and it’s electric, and you can’t get enough of it. So, you’re the annoying people who your roommates hate because you’re sexiling them all the time, or whatever. I’ve heard. Allegedly.

But, it doesn’t last. Not like that, anyway. Certainly not if you aren’t sleeping enough and you have a kid (or five) who always needs something. So you have to believe, you have to have faith that the magic is there even when you can’t see it. I don’t have faith in god but I have faith in my wife. I believe the magic is real and that it will always come back. If I didn’t, if she didn’t, I think we would have given up years ago.

I think Lena started to wonder if the magic was coming back, I think she lost her faith for a second there. Stef apologizes for being so stressed out that she forgot to take care of Lena. She promises to do better and Lena climbs onto her lap. But the phone rings. Lena answers it just in case a child has run away or possibly impregnated a teenage girl or committed a felony.

It’s Jesus, and he has butt dialed his moms in the midst of his sexcapades. Mariana is mortified that Caitlin is breaking all the dance team rules right out in the open. Oh Mariana, the rules only apply if you aren’t really one of the plastics. Jesus and Hayley are putting their clothes back on and insisting that they never do stuff like this. Yeah, usually Jesus forgets the condom and has to ask his moms for Plan B.

While he gets Hayley’s number he realizes he has a message from Mama. Ruh-roh. He runs out and tells Brandon but Mariana is also getting a call from the moms. The longer you go without answering the sketchier it seems, kids. Callie gets a call and answers it. They cover with a story about a loud movie, but not too violent of course. The moms don’t buy their dumb ass story for a second but the kids don’t realize. Callie is glad they got away with it and as the words leave her mouth the porch swing comes crashing through the front window. Nice going Callie, way to jinx it.

Back at the hotel the moms know they are having a party but Stef figures if the kids are all alive they might as well have a little fun first. She turns on some music and starts her one woman dance party (Lena is hiding her bump behind four sweaters and six pillows). She says, enough of watching and decides Stef can take off her shirt and hide the bump while they make out. If you think I didn’t take a thousand screenshots of this scene, well, you don’t even know me.

Back at the Adams Foster’s backyard, Matt and Mariana are cleaning up. She can’t believe that the plastics all broke the rules and no one seemed to care. Matt tries to explain to Mariana that the rules only apply to outsiders and that she’ll never be one of them. She thinks it’s an insult and stomps off.

Inside Jude is trying to avoid telling Callie why Connor isn’t allowed to hang out anymore. Brandon interrupts and asks what they can do about the window. Wyatt says he can fix it and Callie seems to like her pretty little handy man. Brandon apologizes for making Callie be the responsible one. She thinks it was worth getting to hear him play again. he apologizes for using “their song.” Dude, you were doing so well and then you made it weird! He thanks her for being such a good sister but kind of chokes on the word. Baby steps, I suppose.

The next morning the kids are lined up waiting like the Von Trapps when Lena and Stef come home. Stef and Lena know something is up but can’t seems to find anything out of place until Wyatt’s glass repair comes crashing down. He’s pretty but his carpentry needs some work. Strap on a tool belt and fix it, Stef.

Thank you all for being so kind about my recap being late. Life got crazy for a couple days, and I appreciate your patience.

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