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“The Fosters” recap (2.2): “My milkshake brings all the dads to the yard”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon lost his ability to do that thing that makes him who he is. And sadly, that didn’t mean mooning over his foster sister and making terrible choices. Callie lost another round of roulette with the foster system and was required to find her deadbeat father before she could join the ranks of the Adams Fosters. Stef’s spidey sense tingled and she ended up finding out that maybe it was her ex-husband who made Jesus and Mariana’s ex-mom and their ex-extortionist disappear forever. Jack McPhee stopped by the Ice House for a milkshake and a little casual stalking of the daughter he gave up (p.s. Jen would be so mad at you).

Brandon is sitting in the dark staring at the piano with a look he once reserved for Callie. Stef plops down on the couch and reminisces about the time when Brandon used to crawl in bed with her when he couldn’t sleep. As is her way, she wraps her love in sarcasm and teases him about how he used to kick her in the head and elbow Lena in the ribs all night long. He apologizes for his nighttime karate but Stef smiles warmly and says, “I miss the time when we could make you feel safe so easily.” You know, before you spiralled from being annoyingly infatuated with your foster sister to full on felonies. He tells her that his hand is still numb and worries what will happen if he can never play again. She tells him not to give up on his dream ever. I imagine they cut the scene where she calls him Stump and takes him down to the river club to introduce him to Eva Bates’ three-legged dog.

The next morning, Lena glides down the stairs and finds Stef and Brandon asleep on the couch. Brandon, 16 and still cockblocking like a five-year-old. Lena gives the loveliest smile. I can’t blame her. There isn’t much better than seeing your wife be an incredible mother (it almost makes up for all the clitorference).

It’s a free for all in the Adams Foster dream kitchen and there’s a run on oranges. Jesus is indignant, and Mariana says, “Orange you sad you slept in?” Jesus compares his life to The Hunger Games and Mariana goes all Hermione Granger on his ass with an epic eye roll and says, “Haven’t you read those? They aren’t about produce.” In important news, everyone can make it home for family dinner except for Jude who has a playdate/real date/something confusing with Connor. They are going to the batting cages. Everyone tries not to laugh at the thought of Jude being a secret baseball savant and wish him luck not getting knocked out.

Brandon tells Stef that he is not going to give up on his dreams of being a pianist (go on, you know you giggled last week when Lena called him a pianist) so he wants the risky surgery that might fix his hand or render it totally useless. He’s shown the ability to make excellent choices so why not let him make this one?

Stef is at Mike’s house talking to Mike and Dani. Mike gets up to take a shower and Stef tells Dani she has a question for her. Dani goes, “Oh shit” because she committed a felony involving Brandon. But no, Stef just wants to know about Mike getting bombed and maybe killing Ana. Dani says, “Yeah, he was only sorta drunk and only had the tiniest bit of blood on his hands. But really, if you think he killed someone you should ask Mike. I have my own illegal acts to cover up.”

In the batting cages Jude looks about how we expected. He’s afraid of the ball, sends his bat flying, but eventually kind of gets the hang of it. Meanwhile, Connor’s dad is a complete Nick McCullers-style douche. Little League parents are the worst and this guy is no exception.

At the Burger Barn, Robert Quinn is stalking Callie. She offers him a refill on his pop but it’s a vanilla milkshake. She tells him that the best vanilla shakes are down the street. Perhaps she won’t be getting the job as the head of PR for the restaurant. Like a regular, middle-aged, creep he asks about her work schedule. She works three days because her moms don’t want her to work more. He says, “Moms? Awesome.” She says, “Yeah, it is.”

Back at the batting cages, Jude tells Connor that he did a really good job. Connor swats away the compliment and says he’s supposed to be good. Jude pats Connor on the back and Connor’s dad stares at Jude’s hand like he’s trying to stab his son in the back, not console him.

Back at the Ice House, Daphne says someone left a $100 tip. She teases Callie about “vanilla milkshake” having a thing for her. Callie tells her to hush up but Daphne says if he keeps leaving tips like that he can have all the vanilla he wants. Callie’s milkshake brings all the terrible fathers to the yard. Byron Montgomery will be rolling up any minute now.

Back at home, the lawyer is laying out terms from Robert Quinn’s attorney. Callie bounces down into the kitchen and they tell her that he wants her to take a DNA test before he will sign off.

At family dinner, Mariana is bitching about how the wrestling guys smell like feet but doesn’t mind asking which ones think she’s hot. Jesus nearly vomits, and says Hallie is hot. Mariana tells him that she and the rest of her teammates date college boys. The only thing grosser than high school boys who smell like feet are college boys who date 15-year-olds. Anyway, Jude teases Jesus that Emma will kick his ass if she hears him talking about other girls and Jesus claims he can handle Emma. Everyone laughs.

When Brandon comes in he asks when he’s going to have surgery. Stef drops the bomb that she and Mike talked and he’s not getting the surgery. He says, “That’s bullshit! I want the surgery.” Stef says, “Well, you also wanted to bone your foster sister a few weeks ago so how about we let the adults make decisions for a while?” He storms out of the room. Jesus and Mariana offer opposing viewpoints like they are trying out for the debate team. Lena looks like she had razor blades for breakfast. Glad you decided all this with Mike, Stef. God, I hope “good time step mom” is coming back. She was hilarious.

Callie walks into Brandon’s room and tells him that he can still play just not classical. He tells her “I had a future, that’s not something you just throw away.” You know, not for say, the chance to make out with a whiny piano player. He is mad everyone is assuming the worst case scenario. Callie can relate. She can’t believe that her biological dad wants her to take a test because he doesn’t want her trying to weasel money from him. The worst part (other than being in foster care, and raped, and thrown in juvie, and not being able to get adopted) is that she is going to have to see him at the test. Brandon says it sure sucks not to have a choice. She says yeah, maybe you should realize you’re lucky to have one.

Speaking of douchey father figures, Timothy is waiting outside Lena’s office. He’s representing the teacher’s the the search for America’s Next Top Principal. Lena tells him he should recuse himself. He says, no, I just want you to know I will be totally professional, you can trust me. Lena nearly laughs in his hockey hair framed face and says , “Right, like the time you promised to sign the donor release contract and then didn’t?” Timmy, you’re a turd.

While Callie is keeping up her end of the bargain by getting her cheek swabbed, Papa Quinn can’t be bothered to show up. Back at home, Mariana is suitably indignant on Callie’s behalf. Callie is torn because she didn’t want to see him but was actually disappointed when he didn’t show. She wanted to look at his face just once. No worries, he’ll be at In-And-Out of Your Life Burger at stalker o’clock.

Mariana waltzes in to talk to Brandon. She wants to go hear a band play with Jesus and Emma but she and Callie need a ride. Brandon isn’t sold. He’s still in “I hate the world and anyone who is happy” kind of place. She tells him to look on the bright side, he doesn’t even need a fake ID to get in. Mariana, you’re my new favorite.

When they get to the Peach Pit After Dark, Brandon is super grumpy until he sees Matt, who he sees to know from the overachieving musician circuit. After he runs off to find his wayward band mate, Lou, Mariana wants to know if he’s single. Lou, turns out to be Lucy the lead singer and girl Brandon would like to get to know better.

Stef brings Lena a cup of tea and a little bit of sympathy. A very little bit. She wonders if maybe trying to get the principal job isn’t the best idea since she’s pregnant and all and Spermothy is in charge. Lena says, “I’m leaning in, Stef.”

Mike shows up to talk to Stef. Lena flounces out still sore about being left out of the decision on Brandon’s surgery. Mike opens by accusing Stef of trying to keep Brandon away from him by asking Dani for information about his boozing and brawling. So she asks if he went to talk to Ana, he says no it was just a regular old bar fight. She says okay but doesn’t buy a word of it.

Matt wants to know what Brandon thinks of their sound and when Brandon tells them Lou indignantly adjusts her newsies inspired cap and storms away. Matt isn’t worried, he’d like Brandon to come jam with them sometime. Meanwhile, Emma and Jesus are getting busy in the car. He doesn’t want their first time to be in the back seat but she’s adamant. She’s not afraid to ask for what she wants but being told what to do in such detail isn’t working for Jesus and he tells her it’s time to get home.

Back home, Brandon listens to the band’s songs. Lena walks in and tells him how much she misses hearing music come from his room. She tells him that Stef and Mike are wrong. It’s his hand and he should decide what to do. Come on, Lena, this is parenting 101. Stef, of course, just heard what Lena said and confronts her. Lena thinks Brandon is old enough to know that his moms don’t agree. She doesn’t think they should try to protect him from everything. It turns out that Stef can’t bear to see him hurt again. Which is fair, but sort of disregards his culpability in a lot of those “disappointments.” She stalks off telling Lena that she can have fun dealing with Brandon’s heartbreak. Meanwhile, Callie realizes that she can use a computer too and she Googles Robert Quinn.

The next day, Jude tells Connor that he has some cool new video game and says he didn’t open it so they could play it together. Connor says he can’t sleep over because his dad thinks Jude is gay. Connor says he knows Jude isn’t, but he has to do what his dad says. Jude sings a little Avenue Q, “If I were gay would be okay?” Once again, Jude proves that while Callie is all over the place fighting on his behalf, he’s actually braver than any of them give him credit for. How many of us wondered if our friends would ditch us when they found out we were gay but never got up the nerve to ask? Somewhere in Britain a hat just yelled “GRYFFINDOR!.”

Across the hall, Jesus is having an awkward moment with Emma. He says he has a whole plan for Saturday so that they can do the sex on the beach. Yeah, I’m actually not up for having bugs and sand in my lady business, she says. He tells her she’s kind of of bossy and she fires back that he knew what he was getting when they started dating and changing his mind now makes him a giant douchenozzle.

Milkshake man is outside and Daphne is hoping for another big tip. Callie has a tip for Bobby Quinn and it’s that she Googled his stupid ass and he can shove his guilt money. He says the DNA test wasn’t his idea and that he knew she was his kid the second he saw her. She says well you’re the ass who left my mom. He claims that he didn’t know she was pregnant. He hands her a letter and says he will sign the papers as soon as his daddy’s lawyers tell him it’s okay. Grow a pair, Jack McPhee.

At the precinct, the detective tells Stef that they found a body near the halfway house and it could be Ana.

Brandon takes his keyboard out of storage and starts playing along with the band. The moms walk in. Stef tells him that he knows that she and Lena don’t agree on the surgery and that she worries that no matter what they choose it could be the wrong thing. She can’t protect him as easily as she once could and she’s a little out of her depth on this one. She tells him that she and Mike will talk to some other doctors so they can make a more informed choice. Brandon surprises her by saying he’s going to wait. The chance to play in a high school band with a hot girl means he can wait and see.

In the other room, Jude ask if anyone will play his new game. Callie wants to know why Connor isn’t coming over and he shrugs but doesn’t tell her why. Mariana calls him Judicorn and agrees to play with him. When they leave, Callie opens the note and it’s from her half sister. She would really like to meet Callie and oh by the way here’s a picture and we could be twins! Robert Quinn, using your kid to get access to the one you abandoned makes you douchebag of the week. Here’s your one-way ticket to Rosewood.

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