Previously on The Fosters, Callie’s life was kind of getting good until she kissed Brandon and ran away with the hair model, then stole a candy bar, ended up back in juvie, then at Girls United, then back with Stef and Lena but couldn’t get adopted because her dad was not really her dad. She spent this season with her fate being decided by Jack McPhee and his stepford family. Oh, and Girls United burned down because Callie catches all the breaks. Brandon lost Callie, made a billion fake IDs, grew a conscience, got beat up so he couldn’t play classical piano anymore but could take his Ross Gellar helicopter sounds and be in a band. He got high, told Lena that he had sex with Dani and then broke the news to Stef and Mike who had Dani’s ass thrown in jail. Mike didn’t kill Ana so much as put her up in a hotel and help her get clean so she could ambush Mariana at a street festival to make amends.
Jude and Connor hung out until Connor’s dad told him he couldn’t hang with Jude because Jude is a righteous homosexual. Jude and Connor almost kissed, Jude gave the world the silent treatment and then disappeared off the face of the planet for two episodes while Sherri Saum had some beautiful babies. Mariana made the dance team, dyed her hair to fit in with the plastics, had some serious identity issues, yelled at Hayley and Jesus, and had a weirdly sweet date with Mat. Jesus and Emma broke up and seven seconds later he had sex with Hayley, a stage 12 clinger, and ended up tattooing her name on her ribs because she asked him to. Stef and Lena went on a babymoon, finally sold the bed, convinced Spermothy to stop being a wanker and sign the papers, Lena lost out on becoming principal, and they both lost their baby.
Callie drops by Rita’s house for a little chat. Rita kinda freaked out by Callie just showing up so she tries to shove a pizza box under her couch and pretend she doesn’t live with dirty dishes all over. Callie explains that the internet exists and you can get people’s addresses pretty easily. Callie asks how Girls United is and Rita says pretty shitty since we don’t have a house and no one wants to rent to us, plus our fire insurance premium is through the roof. Callie asks if they could buy a house. Oh if wishes were dollar bills they could. Maybe it’s for the best, Rita is tired of fighting.
At the Peach Pit, Callie tells Daphne that Rita can’t give up but Daphne doesn’t blame her. She doesn’t get a lot of thanks for what she does. Now, if only someone knew a rich, guilt-ridden dude with wads of cash lying around. In walks Robert Quinn. He says he sorry for not calling and following the rules but all the men in Callie’s life are outlaws (song now available on iTunes) and he wanted to tell her something face-to-face.
Around the wholesome dinner table in the dream kitchen, Jesus is defending his need to “study” with Hayley every night. Mariana calls Hayley needy and Jude chimes in that Connor is kind of needy. Oh Judicorn, I’ve missed you. Callie rushes in late from work. Lena breaks the news that the new principal starts the next day. Mariana and Stef hate her on principle (see what I did there?). Callie has news too, Robby Quinn said he would throw a fundraiser for Girls United. Callie asks everyone to come and for Brandon’s band to play. Oh by the way, Robert signed the abandonment papers. Callie is free to be an Adams Foster!
Brandon is playing his new love song in the garage and Lou is all McKayla Maroney on the song. She doesn’t do ooey gooey love songs and wants it to have an edge. They make eyes at each other for a second before she leaves for a date and Mat takes over warning brandon not to date Lou because it will totes break up the band.
The twins are inside helping clean up and Mariana wants to know if they can see Ana. Stef says yes and Jesus launches into a speech about how he never wants to see Ana and how she’s just going to cry and moan about how life was so hard. Mariana snaps that he doesn’t have to go. He leaves her to take out the trash. Lena watches Mariana walk out and voices her resentment toward Ana who got to carry her babies and then didn’t take care of them.
The next day Principal Monty tells Lena that she will happily take care of the money and allow Lena to make all the education choices. Sounds good, right? Jude walks in and he’s got something to tell his mom about Connor.
Rita, Callie, and the Quinns are sitting around planning a casual garden party for San Diego’s richest families. They will want Rita and Callie to speak and Robert thought it would be cool if they could bring the girls out from juvie to entertain the guests. Not exactly how it works bucko. Next they want to know how they should introduce Callie. Does “daughter I abandoned because I was a chickenshit 20-year-old” work or would she prefer something else? She says friend will be just fine and Sophia flips. What does Callie mean, Sophia can’t brag about being her sister? She asked her daddy for a sister and she want it now! Dear god I hope she gets sucked up the tube from the chocolate river soon. Callie offers to come over to help set up and Sophia says why don’t you sleep over so I can make a mask of your face, er, do normal sister stuff. Callie agrees in the way you agree to play Candyland even after you outgrew it because it meant a lot to your little cousin.
Connor’s dad is indignant that Lena would think that he hit Connor in the face when the fact is that he was trying to hit Connor on the behind and Connor ran into a door jam (seriously, this isn’t me cracking weird jokes). Lena excuses Connor so she can talk to the guy who thinks it’s cool to spank a teenager. He gets pissed and blames her for letting Connor sleep in the same tent as homosexual unicorn, Jude Adams Foster. Lena gets pissed right back. Jude hasn’t said if he’s gay or not and Connor dad is acting like a textbook bully.