“The Fosters” recap (1.04): Cry if you want to

Inside the party, Stef is setting out goodie bags at each place when Mike saunters over, tells her she looks nice and that Lena is a lucky lady. Mike, these are all reasonable compliments but when you say them they make me uncomfortable. Mike hands Stef an envelope with money to help cover the cost of the party. She tries to refuse but he won’t take it back. She thanks him before asking him if he would do the father-daughter dance with Mariana who is mortified at the thought of dancing with her extremely hot moms. I get it, who wants to be upstaged by your mom? Mike is honored by the request and, to his credit, double checks that it’s okay with Stef and with Lena before agreeing. Stef’s smile is tight as she asks and it’s clear she’s hurt but she’s putting Mariana first. Mike tells her that Mariana is lucky to have two such wonderful moms. Jesus wanders over in time to find out that Mariana is not dancing with the moms and he is the face of all of us who agree that this is bullshit.

Mariana and Lexi are getting ready and Lexi presents her with a gift of mementos of their childhood. They tell Callie, who is sitting on the sink and working on the perfect lesbian slouch even in her absurd gown, that Mariana used to wear a princess dress to school everyday until she fell and skinned her knee and ripped the dress. Lexi comforted her and they have been best friends ever since. Lena walks in a gives Mariana her gift, a tiara that apparently was very expensive and a secret from Stef. Aww the family that keeps secrets from each other ends up murdered by A together.

Lexi is telling Jesus that she is being selfish and should be thinking about Mariana’s feelings. Jesus rattles off the Fifty Shades of Me by Mariana. Lexi relents and they make out only to be seen by Mariana. Stef is handing out corsages and asks Mariana if she has seen Lexi. Jesus and Lexi appear from totally different places and refuse to make eye contact. Lexi says she was in the bathroom and Mariana says maybe she has a bladder infection. Stef gives and amazing what the effing crap is going on face before ignoring it to hand out more flowers. She, Lena, and Talya leave so that they can watch as the court is announced. Callie switches from Brandon to a guy who looks a bit like Ichabod Crane and it throws off the announcer dude.

“How I love watching my ex-husband dance with my daughter. Heteronormativity FTW!”

While they stand in front of the crowd they all decide it’s the perfect opportunity to work some issues out. Mike hops up and has a sweet dance with Mariana while the moms look on with forced smiles and arms intertwined while their faces acknowledge the heart-pinching feeling of watching your daughter dance with the man who you (or your wife) used to be married to because Mariana’s embarrassed to dance with a couple of lezzers who actually raised her. Meanwhile, Brandon asks why Callie switched partners and she says his girlfriend thinks that Callie likes Brandon because she has eyes and it’s obvious.

But before we can process that, it’s time for the angry waltz where everyone is mad and working their stuff out in time to the music. Mariana tells Jesus she knows that he and Lexi are making out and talking shit about her behind her back. This is right out of Pride and Prejudice where everyone tries to work out their feelings and carry on a conversation while zipping all over the dance floor and switching partners every three seconds. Let’s call it speed processing. It’s not something you really can hurry so everyone leaves the dance cranky and confused.

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