“The Fosters” recap (1.04): Cry if you want to

In the Foster kitchen, Jude is hacking cucumbers to bits with a small axe. Stef asks Callie how her day was and gives Mariana the unsubtle mom look that prompts Mariana to ask Callie if she wants to take Kelsey’s spot in her court. Mariana opens by asking if Callie remembers Kelsey, and Callie worms her way deeper into my heart by answering “you mean the one who lied and said I sold her drugs?” Never change, Callie. Apparently, Kelsey got herself shipped to rehab so she’ll be back with a “cousin” in no time, getting herself murdered, Callie kidnapped, and then a player to be named later will stab the “cousin” in a lighthouse. You know how they roll on ABC Family.

“If you’ll recall the Pilot, gowns are really more my thing, Callie.”

Callie says sure but seems less enthused at the idea of wearing a gown. Callie it’s all right, you look pretty in your tomboy gear, don’t let oppressive gender norms and your foster sister’s desire for her party to be heteronormative cramp your baby dyke style. Jesus is really supportive and tells her that they get to do a waltz and that it will be fun, like eating glass. Talya isn’t really excited by the prospect of Callie waltzing with her cardigan-wearing, middle-aged boyfriend. When Callie leaves the room, Stef’s spidey sense tingles. Thank goodness for a cop who has a clue. Sam Murray you would do well to hang out with this one, then maybe you would have seen the obvious signs that Cat was shagging Frankie.

Stef is waiting for Brandon when he comes back from dropping Talya back off at the hellmouth. She tells him that he and Callie are foster siblings, so dating would be totally against the rules (and a little icky). He says that’s no problem because he hasn’t seen her magical-tomboy-to-prom-queen transformation yet so he is protected from the bolt of “oh my god she hot under all that surliness and loose fitting clothing.” Stef manages to embarrass him, correct his grammar, and make him carry his brother’s gross sneakers in less than 30 seconds all while wearing the most adorable baseball shirt. She is a mom god.

“Do people still say ‘hook up’? Last time Lena and I had sex we had two less kids, so I’m not sure.”

Lena walks in and chastises Stef for using the word “crap.” Stef asks for a word she should use instead and in my head this is going somewhere really good. I can think of so many words, Stef, so many. Lena deflates and drops onto the couch in response to the imminent arrival of her mother. Stef says Dana is nothing but lovely to her and Lena says that’s because Stef is not Dana’s daughter. Lena tells Stef that their daughter isn’t all that thrilled about dancing with her moms at her big party and Stef is all “pshaw, in these adorable rose colored glasses I see only the best in everyone including our daughter.” Coach, I don’t know how to make it more clear, Mrs. Coach is always right.

Mariana and Lexi are stuffing goodie bags while Callie tries to do her homework. Jesus walks by and gives Lexi a look like he’s Brian Kinney and she’s at Babylon for the first time. They end up making out in the Jack and Jill, Brandon and Brenda Walsh approved, bathroom. Jude tries to brush his teeth only to have Jesus slam the door in his face while putting his face all over Lexi’s. I am distracted by the thought of how much better Jesus’ tank top would look on either of the moms.

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