“The Fosters” recap (1.04): Cry if you want to

Previously on The Fosters Mike, Stef, and Lena rode a unicorn across the screen as they became the first decent parents on ABC Family while demonstrating the proper parenting technique known as putting your kid ahead of yourself. Next week they will join Lena in a forum for the parents of Rosewood called, “It’s all fun and games out of town until your kid dies.” Callie continued her reign of awesome by calling Mariana out for being terrible, and by doing the lesbian processing assignment before going all Will Hunting and burning it in the hall because “do you know how easy this is for me?” Sadly, nothing is easy for Jude who, though only seven years old, had to take the LSATs to get into seventh grade. The poor lamb never stood a chance so Lena did the unthinkable and Ella Montgomery’d him into a passing grade. If she was going to channel the rule breaking behavior of one of the Rosewood English teachers we can all be thankful that she chose Ella over Ezra.

This week we open in the dress shop where Mariana “look at me, look at me” Foster is getting her dress fitted for her Quinceañera. The dress lady wants to be sure that Mariana’s dad is wearing a tie that matches so they can look extra awkward during the father-daughter dance. Mariana and Lena freeze and Lexi tells the lady, without batting an eyelash, that Mariana has two moms. The lady congratulates Mariana on having two moms, by which she means to congratulate herself for being so open-minded and tolerant, and says it’s fine Mariana can dance with her godfather or uncle or any random person who happens to wander by with the appropriate man junk. Lexi, batting a thousand at this point, says “Fuck off, lady, she’s dancing with her moms.” Things are good and awkward as Mariana asks Lena to get a second mortgage for the bedazzling she wants on the boobs of her dress. Stef swaggers into the store late and the dress lady nearly has a stroke because she’s either got some unpaid parking tickets or enjoys some Gayzzoli/Cagney and Lacey role playing in her spare time. Stef kisses Lena and it’s almost too much for her. It’s cool, dress lady, a lot of us have that same reaction to Stef in her uniform.

Back in the dressing room Mariana is lamenting the forced enthusiasm of people trying to be totally okay with the fact that she’s got two moms and how she wishes her life were easier. Lexi laughs at her and says her parents aren’t throwing her a ridiculously expensive party despite the fact that they are, actually, Latin. Er, I mean, Mariana you’re totally latina despite your white mom and your biracial mom and wow did this just turn into an episode about identity and culture?

Something that knows no cultural boundaries is people buying shit they can’t afford with money they don’t have. Stef can’t believe they are paying three hundred bucks for a dress Mariana is going to wear once. Oh Stef, if Mariana ever stops being horrible think of all the other things you will be buying for her wedding. Although she strikes me as the type who ends up with Mr. Collins, so maybe a small wedding and maybe Lady Catherine will pay. Lena’s says that she took home-ec so we can totally hem this sucker up and she can wear it to prom. Just as Stef is asking Lena if they can rein in the expenses, Mariana flounces out with Lexi and asks for a bubble machine. Stef says no, Lena says yes, and in the grand tradition of the Taylors, Lena wins. Sorry Coach, go yell at Tim Riggins, it’ll make you feel better.


“Just chopping tiny vegetables and giving Mariana the bunt sign with my face.”

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