“The Fosters” recap (1.01): “So you’re dykes?”


Jesus runs up to Mariana and asks to borrow some money because he’s starving and left his wallet at home. She gives him a hard time, which is funny considering where the money goes eventually. He grabs her purse and pulls out a wad of cash. He asks her about it and she gives him five bucks and tells him to go away. He’s caught between being super hungry and wanting to know where the money came from. His stomach wins.

Brandon gets a call from an unknown number while Talia is telling him all about how her parents are going out of town. She asks him to stay over and while he’s ticking off the reasons it won’t work he spots Callie who uses a classic “if I close my eyes, you can’t see me” approach to hiding in plain sight. Brandon gives up sexy talk and dashes after Callie. While he’s doing his best “Schoolhouse Rocks!” song and dance the phone rings and she grabs it and starts talking. Brandon asks who was on the phone and Callie admits it was her brother. He suggests calling Stef but Callie tells him that if he does that she’ll end up back at Rikers and her brother will still be stuck in the house.

Cedric Diggory and Callie are riding the bus and he asks what happened. She tells him that her foster father caught her little brother wearing a dress and beat the crap out of him. Cedric’s aghast at the notion that someone would hit Callie and her brother and she’s gives him a look like “Ced, I know you’re a Hufflepuff and like to see the good in people and whatnot, but I’ve been living in a cupboard under the stairs for my whole life. So, you know, wake up.” She tells him that she tried to stop her foster dad but he kicked her in the stomach. She ran outside and used a baseball bat to demolish the guy’s car and that’s when the cops showed up and she ended up in juvie because the cops didn’t listen to her.

Back at home Lena walks in to Mariana faking a stomach ache and Jesus sitting down to play video games when he should be getting ready for his brother’s concert. She asks Jesus what’s going on with his sister and before he can say “maybe it’s that time of the month” she goes Claire Huxtable on him and tells him not to say that to a woman, anytime, anywhere, anyhow if he expects not to have his ass handed to him on a tray.

“Let me stop you right there, Elvin.”

Stef walks in and heads to the fridge. Lena walks in and says “something’s up with the twins.” Stef listens as she cracks open a nice cold string cheese. Lena wonders if she’s pushing the twin too hard to meet Ana, and Stef sagely points out that perhaps they just changed their little teenage minds. The hug and Lena thanks Stef for keeping her sane and which point Stef breaks the news that ex-husband Mike is her new partner at work. Lena doesn’t know what to say and Stef reassures her that it’s just Mike. But Lena seems to have a touch of the green-eyed monster when it comes to her lady love and her ex. Come on Lena, we’re friends with all our exes, no biggie, right?

Ding-dong someone’s at the door and he’s not selling thin mints. “Hello, Newman,” Lena sneers and calls for Brandon. She asks Mike about why he requested to be paired up with Stef and he says that he just feels more comfortable teaming up with her than having her with a rookie. He claims he’s looking out for the kids, too. Right dude. You’re looking out for her very fine ass. Lena tells him that as a feminist she’s totally offended but as Stef’s wife she’s happy to have Mike looking out for Stef. Stef walks in and tells Mike he cleans up nicely in a tone that says, we share a kid, but have you seen my wife?

Jesus bounces down the stairs and announces that Brandon and Callie didn’t walk home from school with them. Mike makes a crack about Callie and how he doesn’t get why they have to take in strays. Fortunately, Stef has installed the app that lets you track your phones and they locate Brandon really easily. They drive off with Stef at the wheel.

At home, Jesus confronts Mariana about the pills missing from his prescription and connects it to all the cash she had in her wallet. It turns out she’s been giving Ana money. Jesus flips out about how their birth mom abandoned them. Mariana tells him that their mom came back so she’s just rolling out the welcome wagon by selling drugs and handing out wads of cash. Later she meets Ana on the beach and hands over the dough.

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