“The Fosters” recap (1.01): “So you’re dykes?”

Callie sneaks into Brandon’s room and steals his phone. She sits in the dark and calls Jude. She says “Hey baby, I’m coming for you. I just have to figure out how to get there.”

The next morning Callie ambles into the kitchen where everyone is engaged in a carefully choreographed clusterfuck of breakfast, backpacks, and ADHD meds. Stef offers Callie orange juice and tells her to make herself at home. Callie grabs a mug and helps herself to some coffee. Apparently, a teenager drinking coffee is the equivalent of a record scratch because everyone stops and gapes.

Lena and Jack, Kack, Mack, and Nack head to school appropriately titled Paily Anchor Beach (mascot: Marauding Coconut Cupcakes. Best known for its cycling team). Lena asks Brandon to take Callie to “Timothy’s class” who she tells Callie is “a lot of fun.” Callie is welcomed to the school with glaring from the Plastics and she scurries off to follow Brandon. He’s practicing for the piano finals and explains the piece he has written. It’s written about that one time his mom and Lena asked him if it was cool for them to adopt the twins. I know, right? Forget “Joyful, joyful, I adore thee,” he’s all “Brandon, Brandon, Let’s make it three?” except without words. Brandon’s girlfriend appears and Brandon shows that he gets all his awkward from Stef by asking Talia to take Callie with her to Timothy’s class.

Timothy is droning on about Metamorphoses and willing yourself to change and then he goes and shows he’s a giant douche by calling on Callie. Dude, first day, haven’t read the book and you call on her. In the words of Jeff Spicoli, “You dick!” he actually asks her “What would you do if you woke up and found yourself living in a nightmare?” Oh you mean like having the shit kicked out of me and bouncing between foster homes? Or do you mean, nightmare like they put regular milk in your soy latte, you douche? He’s officially the worst.

Callie is much more interested in Aiden, who has a car. She tries flirting with Aiden but is terrible at it. He thinks she wants to make out with him and she just moved here from Africa and has been homeschooled forever so she doesn’t know to just play along until she gets the ride she wants. No worries, Regina George will educate her next week.

“Adults talking in text is one of my top five pet peeves. Fucking type words!”

Mariana tells Jesus that she isn’t ready to meet their birth mom even if he goes with her. She doesn’t tell him that she and Ana have been meeting online to talk and you know, they’ve exchanged pictures and stuff but it just doesn’t feel like the right time to meet, and have decided to meet up that very night on the beach, in the dark, what could possibly go wrong in Rosewood?

Callie is getting ready to ditch school and Mariana gives her a few pointers since Callie was so nice about not ratting her out for stealing her brother’s Ritalin. These two will be partners in all kinds of half baked shenanigans soon. Callie tries to sneak off but runs into Lena. Callie looks at her schedule and says oh, right, just checking my schedule and it says I have “ditching for dastardly deeds” right now. TTFN!

Stef’s at work and they are having a going away party for her former partner. Super dyke cop whispers in Stef’s ear that their boss wants to see Stef in her office and Mike’s hanging around. What a coincidence, Mike doesn’t have a partner at the moment either and she’s pairing them up. Stef laughs and looks for the hidden cameras. Turns out it’s not a joke and Mike asked to be her partner. Dude, let it go. Stef grits her teeth and tells Mike he’s going to get her into a lot of trouble at home. He’s all broken up about it. Or not.


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