“The Fosters” recap (1.01): “So you’re dykes?”

Inside, Stef has switched from beer to something in a mug (my guess is scotch) and is laying out all the ground rules. She’s one “three feet on the floor” rule short of the rules I had in boarding school. Callie wants to know where she’s going to sleep. This isn’t her first rodeo and instead of listening to a bunch of rules she’s ready to sleep.

Lena walks her to the couch and offers her an array of blanket and pillow options before asking Callie to drop the attitude. Lena asks who Jude is and Callie starts assembling the nerve to talk to Lena when Stef pops into the room brimming with efficiency and solutions to problems like pajamas and clothes for the next day. The sight of Stef looking impossibly adorable in her jammies silences Callie (and the rest of us).

Jesus and Mariana are bickering in Spanish (Mariana wants Jesus to leave her alone) until Stef comes in and tells them that they know the rules, no speaking in Spanish in front of the gringas. She tells them that Callie is wrong and that they are just as much their kids at Brandon is. They agree a little too quickly. Now you have just witnessed a mom fail in its natural habitat. This one consists of a mom assuming her kids are bothered by a comment that hurts her own feelings when really they are just bummed out that Bomb Girls isn’t getting a third season.

Callie’s huddled in a giant bathtub with about three tablespoons of water in it. We can see the bruises on her side where the Sigma Chi’s initiated her into the bonds of sisterhood. She reaches out and touches the turtle stickers on the tiled wall.

Brandon’s in his room Ross Gellering out with his giant keyboard and his helicopter sounds when Stef drops by for a chat. She tells Brandon that Callie was in juvie and that it would be great if he could step and up “You know?” He doesn’t have the foggiest idea what she’s talking about and says so. She asks if he’s sure he’s not Lena’s biological son. Genetics jokes, a staple of two mom households everywhere. He says he’d love to chat but he has to read Moby Dick. Going two for two in awkward mom moments, Stef take the opportunity to use Moby Dick as a segue to ask Brandon if he needs condoms. He points to the door and she actually says “What? Protect and serve, it’s my job.” Girl, get your ass to your own bedroom, I’m sure Lena doesn’t mind a little service herself.

Mariana’s taking something out of a box on a kitchen shelf. When she turns around Callie is standing there. Mariana claims she needed a drink of water. Callie isn’t buying it but doesn’t say anything, just checks out what’s in the box when Mariana leaves. She finds pill bottle with a Ritalin prescription for Jesus. She goes to grab the phone but it’s not on the hook.

Lena sets the phone down next to her bed where she’s sitting while Stef grabs the laundry out of their washer/dryer in their closet. Stef dumps the clothes on the bed and Lena starts to apologize, admitting that she would have been pissed if Stef made a big decision without processing it for a weekend in their yurt. Stef folds Callie’s clothes and says she’s ok but that Callie isn’t exactly warm and fuzzy. Lena tells Stef that it really means a lot to her that she’s making an effort with Callie. She reaches into her “special” drawer and for the next several minutes Lena shows Stef just how much it means to her. OK, no that doesn’t happen.

But Stef does kiss her, before playfully shoving Lena to the other side of the bed. Lena calls Stef “Mama Tiger” and I think we can infer the ways Lena makes Stef, um, purr. They chuck seventy-five throw pillows off the bed and get their adorable cuddle on. I love this scene. The only time my wife and I get time to chat about our kids (or anything for that matter) without interruption is in the four minutes we have together, like this, before we pass out at the end of the day.

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