In another part of town, another paternal disappointment is playing out. Mike shows up to pick up Brandon in his Mustang. I guess when your hot wife leaves you for a hot lady you buy yourself a muscle car and hope it makes up for it. He apologizes to Brandon by saying he fell asleep watching the game but Brandon is smarter than that and says “It’s the middle of the day dad.”
Callie and Sarah are talking about their foster homes and Callie is working Sarah to open up. Her plan is going well until she slips up and mentions Liam by name. Sarah never mentioned Liam’s name and she leaves. Callie the first rule of the Spencer Hastings School of Sleuthing is don’t offer up information, ever.
Back at the Fosters, Callie is taking a picture of the tree outside her window because instagram is eating up all her free time. Mariana asks to see the picture and they talk girl stuff like how Wyatt get his hair so shiny and bouncy, whether Callie is dating Wyatt, and what they are going to do that night. Callie mentions the foreclosure party and Mariana begs to go because for a dementor nothing says fun like watching a bank take someone’s childhood home, especially when you are secure in your own. Callie packs extra chocolate in case her patronus is on the fritz.
Cut to the moms’ room where Lena says “Don’t force it” and Stef says “It’s stuck” and I swear if it weren’t for the visual confirmation that they mean Lena’s zipper I would be off and running with a little bit of what was going on in the back of that car. But no. No fun times for these two, not with the god squad coming to visit. Stef doesn’t want the Rivera’s trying to corrupt Jesus with, you know, more Jesus. Lena, ever the Tami Taylor voice of reason, says Jesus isn’t looking for religion, he just wants to spend the weekend with his girlfriend. Stef is defensive and angry but she knows it’s not really about Lexi’s parents. She’s being close-minded and defensive about the Riveras just as she’s hoping they won’t be about her own family. She puts up the wall and is ready to throw punches before she’s sure a fight is even going to happen. But, when you’ve been hurt as we have just seen Stef has, it’s hard to open yourself up to the idea that church isn’t always a place of pain, judgment, and disapproval. Lena, of course, wants Stef to chill out and see what happens before dropping the gloves and going several rounds with their dinner guests.
Callie and Mariana figure out a way to lie to the moms without lying. Rather than staying to eat the amazing meal Mrs. Patmore is preparing they are going to Wyatt’s to watch a movie. Stef says, “The hair model?” and I am so the smitten kitten. They say that they are going to Wyatt’s parents’ house which isn’t a lie but it does not account for the lack of parental supervision.
Brandon and Mike are waiting for the audition and Mike is going on and on about how sorry he is and how Brandon is going to blow them away in the audition. Shut up Mike. When Brandon gets called in, buttons his jacket, which it appears he borrowed from Jude before he stuffed Jude in a closet somewhere. Where are you Jude? Brandon starts playing and then makes a mistake. He restarts and makes another mistake. Ra-chel Be-rry *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap.*
Callie and Mariana are in a different time zone apparently because it’s nighttime and they are at Noel Kahn’s cabin for a rager. Callie tries to leave because, despite all the hype, she’s the most responsible kid in the house. Although she’s losing points this episode for having no idea where Jude is. She tells Mariana not to drink and if she does, just to nurse one drink all night. Mariana says “‘kay bye-ee” and bouncing away with Kelsey who is back from rehab. What could go wrong? Callie finds Wyatt in the midst of ruining his house. It appears that he has some feelings that cannot be contained in his bedroom closet so he’s spray painting them on walls and encouraging people to break stuff.
Back at the house, the dinner party has commenced and the awkwardness is everywhere. The Rivera’s would like to be sure that there is a hall monitor to ensure that four legs stay on the floor, doors remain open, and there is always room for the holy ghost between Jesus and Lexi. Guys, while you’re at it, I see the horse is out, let’s shut the barn door. The doorbell rings and ding-dong it’s Stef’s dad. Because she’s a good daughter-in-law, Lena invites Stef’s dad to stay and Stef runs off to find another plate and build herself a fort out of the boxes of wine.
Back at the audition, Mike wanders down the steps and finds Brandon. Brandon yells at him about being late and asks if he thought Brandon wouldn’t notice that he smelled like booze. Mike storms up the stairs and begs the guy to listen one more time and not punish Brandon for the fact that his dad was late. The teacher relents and Brandon plays perfectly. Unfortunately, the teacher had already given the scholarship spot away but will take Brandon on as a student for the bargain price of at least 300 bucks a week. Brandon knows he can’t afford it but Mike insists he’ll pay for it.
Back at the party, Wyatt is getting drunk and staring meaningfully across the room at Callie. Kelsey continuing to be even worse than Mariana, tells Mariana that her moms bought Lexi the morning after pill. Kelsey is a mess but she’s also hilarious. “Lexi came to me looking for the pill because, hello, if you need a pill call Kelsey.” Seriously, you suck but please be around always because you crack me up. As Kelsey realizes that Mariana didn’t know she says “oops” and the words written on the wall behind Mariana say “everyone is against me.” Poor Mariana. She decides to drown her sorrows in Natty Lite or whatever abomination kids are drinking these days.
Back at the dinner party of epic awkwardness, Stef’s dad asks Jesus what he thinks he will get out of Catholic Bible camp as a non-Catholic. Say Catholic again. Stef tries to stop this train because she’s not sure they want Jesus going. Lexi’s mom is like, it’s a no brainer, of course Jesus will be at Bible camp. Stef tries to tiptoe around their concerns which have less to do with the sleeping arrangements or amount of supervision and more to do with the message that she and Lena are an abomination and that their family is wrong, you know the usual hellfire, burning stuff. Lexi’s mom is appalled that Stef and Lena would worry about such a thing. She says she would never allow anyone to say anything against their family. She says they support this family one hundred percent. Stef’s dad nearly falls off his chair. Mr. Rivera says, “of course we do. What’s more Christian than family?” What indeed?