Previously on The Fosters, Callie ran away with a hair model but realized there was only room enough in her suitcase for one set of hair products so she ditched him in a motel. Lena got baby crazy and somehow lost her serene, Tami Taylor-esque empathy. Brandon overindulged by heaping his plate from a smorgasbord of bad decisions including, theft, witness tampering, bribery, extortion, and making fake IDs for all of Anchor Beach school for the gifted and well coiffed.
Brandon is playing the piano in the Anchor, Bruce, and Chum memorial music room when Callie walks in and tells him it’s super nice to see him doing something other than skulking in the shadows and trying to hump her leg like a hyperactive dog. She reminds him of the long ago days when she was a new student and he wasn’t a creep and he brought her up there and played her a song about family. He plays it again and adds a nice bit for Jude and then for Callie smashes the keys. He’s joking, and plays his feelings for her until we’re back to creepy town. She tells him they are getting adopted on Monday and he thinks of the 75 ways he can screw it up before then.
Don in the courtyard Callie gets a phone call from Wyatt. The handsome hair model is not in Indiana, he’s right behind her. She beams and hugs him and the crowd roars for the love interest who is not her brother! Brandon watches this scene from his web of spy cams throughout Rosewood the window and looks ready to run Wyatt under with his car. Callie and Wyatt giggle over how funny the word “Hoosier” is and then Callie just has to know if Wyatt was trying to run away from her after he called Stef and Lena. He says he was trying to get out before they got there but with Callie because he L-O-V-E-S her, even if he’s jealous of her hair.
Inside, Jesus is trying to convince Emma to go to the Winter Ball with him during algebra class. She has a date, she doesn’t miss him on the wrestling team, and frankly, is a little sick of these needy Foster boys. Preach, girl. They get interrupted by the teacher, Jesus mouths off, and Emma executes a perfect eyeroll.
Meanwhile, Mariana gets a visit from Zac’s mom who has gone from calling her a whore to shoving a pair of Zac’s tighty-whities in her pocket. Ick. She’s going to help Lena with the Winter Ball. Zac is mortified when he arrives to find his mom with Mariana but brushes off Mariana’s suggestion that his mother needs to see a doctor. Mariana hints that they should go to the dance together but since his mom is chaperoning, Zac thinks he might just stay home.
Stef runs into Mike outside the precinct and tells him she’s not thrilled that he’s working nights and Brandon is home alone all night. Mike says but he’s 16 and Stef says, “I know. He’s plenty old enough to do stupid shit.” Oh you two have no idea. Mike counters that Dani makes Brandon dinner every night with an extra helping of inappropriate. Before Stef can head home, Ana stops her and says that Stef’s son gave her money to change her testimony and if she doesn’t give her $10,000 she’s going to the D.A. Stef leans forward and tells Ana if she ever comes back she will be arrested for trying to extort a police officer.
Jesus is shirtless and doing pull ups for all the teenie boppers who watch this show. Stef walks in and starts doing bicep curls for all the lesbians who still watch this show. She asks if he wants to go back on his meds since he’s flunking classes and kind of being a dick to his teachers. He doesn’t think he’s gotten a fair chance yet so she relents and then asks if he’s seen Ana. All together everyone scream WRONG SON, STEF! She’s got her golden boy blinders on. Jesus learned his lesson in dealing with Ana when Stef got shot, Brandon’s a bit of a slow learner.
Mariana just can’t imagine being such a loser that she would have to go a dance alone. The horror, Kurtz! Callie is going alone. Mariana points out that she could ask Wyatt and his amazing hair and Callie reminds Mariana that he doesn’t even go here. Mariana can’t believe that Zac hasn’t asked her yet and Callie points out that maybe Zac thinks anything short of undies in the pocket is too subtle.
The moms are getting ready for bed and discussing the return of Wyatt. Stef asks, “And how do we feel about him being back?” That’s right, let Lena think for the two of you, because that’s working out really well with the baby storyline. Stef’s not sure if Wyatt is a good guy or not because he let Callie into his car before calling them to say where they were. Oh honey, just wait until you find out what Brandon has been up to, it will change your whole perspective of what “good guy” means.
Lena cranks up her side of the bed and Stef pleads for her to cuddle but Lena has a stack of baby books and she’s not going to stop reading until the kid is born. Stef tells her babies are no biggie. They just eat, sleep, and poop so who needs a book? Lena gives her a warning look but Stef just rattles on and asks for a new bed, or at least to sleep on the same level. But Lena isn’t giving in. Stef would like to “be intimate” with her wife sometime before the baby goes to college. Lena reminds her that they were “intimate” when they inseminated. Oh man, and here we thought Jesus intervened and stopped that shit from happening. Which begs the question, did they inseminate with all the kids at home? Double ick. Stef cracks that there was nothing intimate about a speculum and a cup of co-worker jizz. Lena looks mad, but I’m with Stef on this one.