Stef walks into the kitchen looking like she could use a beer or six. Instead, Lena says, “Hooray! I’m ovulating!” Stef would rather drive splinters under her fingernails but she smiles and reminds Lena that they need to draw up a contract and Lena, who has clearly lost her mind, says, “Who cares? Let’s do this thing!” Remember when we thought they were smarter than Bette and Tina? Nope, someone is getting kidnapped out of Canada soon. Jesus interrupts these two by saying Mariana is cool with him moving into Brandon’s room. The mom are not cool and Jesus says it’s bullshit that the golden boy gets two room and he has to share one with a unicorn. Lena says maybe we should wait until next month and Stef says, “No, let’s do it now.” I got my law degree from Apple Jacks University so it will be fine when we get the contract signed later.
Back at the Shake Shack, Callie wants to know why it took her dad so long to get his act together. Daphne says it’s not easy to find a job and make a home when your most recent address is Litchfield. Callie planned to tell her dad to take a hike but when he opened the door her was still her dad. Mostly, she doesn’t want him confusing Jude but Daphne knows what’s up and says it sounds a whole lot like Callie is the confused one.
Mariana knocks on Zac’s door and surprises the hell out of him. She brought flowers for his mom since she asked her out on this date. Oh, this poor boy. Mrs. Rogers went to the same school for awkward and terrible dinner parties as Stef and Lena and asks Zac to dance with her, pours the kiddos some wine, mixes up what year it is, and asks who cooked the dinner. Zac is in hell and Mariana thinks she’s died and gone to fun mom heaven.
Jesus is trying to study but he is off his meds and hasn’t eaten for three weeks other than the processed garbage in the Lunchable he stole which is basically the opposite of the organic, dye free stuff he is supposed to consume. Anyway, Jude wants to talk about his dad who he barely remembers. Jesus says to be careful because meeting bio parents often leads to moms getting shot.
Callie arrives at her dad’s again to chat. He offers her a juice box but she wants to know why he stopped writing to them. He explains that he gave up hope of getting out and thought they were better off moving on without him. He waited for Callie to write and accuse him of murdering her mom. She objects but he says he got drunk and drove and her mom is dead because of it.
Back at the Rogers home for uncomfortable parenting, Amanda is filling glasses with wine and making a toast to the anniversary of her husband leaving her. Zac tells her it was ten years ago not two and she stomps out, muttering “Son of a bitch” under her breath. Psych consult, please. Stat. Zac is embarrassed but Mariana assures him that she likes his mom even though she’s kooky. Oh dear, time to explain the difference between “kooky” and mental illness to Mariana. Coming out about his mom is a powerful aphrodisiac so he kisses her.
When Brandon comes home, Dani is serving roasted bunny and painting his room and bribing him with emo band posters and new sheets. He isn’t planning to stick around so she ups the ante. She thinks he got a bum deal with the whole making out with your foster sister sitch. She doesn’t see why he can’t date her down the line if he isn’t living there. Brandon suggests Mikey might not like that and she gives him a smarmy smile and says, “You’d be surprised the things Mikey likes.” Does no one have appropriate boundaries anymore?!
Back at Donald’s dimly lit apartment he wants to know about Callie. She tells him the truth and says they have been in six different foster homes and they all sucked until this one. He’s sad to hear she went to juvie. She rubs her nose and looks away. He smiles and reminds her that when she was little she would suck her thumb and rub her nose to soothe herself. They tried to break her of the habit but he’s pleased that it didn’t work. He is sorry for failing her and for her being the one who tracked him down instead of the other way around. He promises that he’s here for her now, that she can count on him. But he knows he’s out of time and will tell Jude whatever she thinks he should. She asks him to tell the truth. Man, it as beautiful to watch these two see something unexpectedly familiar in each other.
Back in the International House of Pancakes and Processing, Jesus refuses to Mariana’s chores because he didn’t get his single with a view. Jude says he doesn’t want to see his dad anymore. Callie says she’s totally changed her mind and would like to see Donald for the very first time. The moms are supportive, of course, but are weirdly not concerned that Callie had an industrial accident in her shirt. When everyone leaves Callie stays behind to tell the moms how much she and Jude love the moms and how nothing will ever change that. First hugs and now all this love stuff? Moms your spidey sense better be tingling.
Out on the beach, Brandon tracks down Callie fresh off his talk with Dani. It starts out nicely and then he reverts to creepy, bully Brandon when Callie tells him she’s not sure about the adoption. He tells her that she can’t keep changing her mind. She can’t change her mind about what, Brandon? he can’t change her mind about you? Does it piss you off that she kissed you but decided she didn’t want to do more? Man this is some “Blurred Lines” bullshit right here. She tells him to fuck off and storms away.