“The Fosters” recap (1.16): “Happy birthday, Judicorn”

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Back at the Adams Foster home, Stef opens the door and lets Captain Roberts in. Roberts says the charges against Mike were dropped but the DA sent over the deposition of Stef’s testimony. Stef looks a little panicky until Roberts says that the weirdest thing happened and she couldn’t open the deposition. She warns Stef that she and Mike better be on their best behavior or they will be in big trouble. Yeah, so maybe keep an eye on the delinquent son of yours. Stef and Lena celebrate by putting on a little Al Green and trying to get Lena pregnant. (Fine, but let’s just pretend that happened).

Back at the rager, Mariana is preparing to get a little more intimate with Chase in an upstairs bedroom when Zach comes in. He tries to tell her something but Chase interrupts. Zach tells Mariana that Callie is looking for her and Chase pulls out Mariana’s underpants and says “I do believe these are yours.”  Mariana, you need to watch more “classic” movies. If you are going to give away your underpants (which you really shouldn’t) you’re better off giving them to the king of the dipshits after he sings you a happy birthday song in the auto shop room. Seriously.

Meanwhile, Talya walks up to Callie and starts yelling at her for being a whore and a liar and tells everyone they should watch their back around Callie. Callie stands there and doesn’t say anything back because she’s got Daphne and Kiara and Cole and Rita in her head all telling her to make better choices.

Back upstairs Mariana and Chase are making out when he starts to undo his pants. She stops him and he gets annoyed because obviously if a girl puts her panties in your pocket she’s consenting to sex. Nope. He laughs at Mariana and calls her a “tease” and is a total asshole. Mariana sticks to her guns and doesn’t cave to his manipulation. No, means no, you douche bag.

Outside the party Callie is pacing and waiting for Mariana when Brandon comes out and sees her. He asks if Talya said something and then is ready to go after Talya. Dude, stop trying to fix things. You suck at it. He tells Callie that he told Talya about them because his wittle feewings were hurt by everyone thinking Callie ran off with Wyatt. He says “I was stupid.” Stupid is forgetting your list before you go to the store. Stupid is putting salt in your coffee instead of sugar. This is no longer in the universe of stupid. Actually, no. Saying something stupid to an ex at a party is stupid and teenagery. But tampering with a witness, violating a restraining order, suborning perjury? Those are no longer stupid. Those are criminal. Anyway, he’s pissed because it seems so easy for Callie. She sets him straight that she’s not having an easy time but that it will get better.  Mariana appears and asks Brandon to drive them home. Oh good call! Let’s have the only one of you who was drinking at the party get behind the wheel.

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Need a palate cleanser? How about Callie pouncing on Jude and saying “Wake up, wake up it’s your birthday?” Yeah it totally worked for me too. She hands him his final clue, a copy of Hansel and Gretel that their mom used to read to them. The last line of the book is the answer to all the birthday breadcrumbs she left him. “Then all anxiety was at an end, and they lived together in perfect happiness.” Cute sentiment but come on, “perfect happiness”? You know what they say about tempting the fates. I mean Jesus is probably dead already. No one has seen him for a week. She drags him out of bed to go find “happiness” down stairs. And who should be waiting along with his clue but his entire family (minus possibly dead, definitely missing, Jesus). Jude asks Callie about telling everyone about his secret birthday and she says no more secrets, we have a family now. They sing happy birthday to little Judicorn and offer him a stack of tear inducing pancakes.

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While everyone celebrates, Brandon steals the key to Lena’s office. Looks like he’s not ready to stop making bad choices. Have fun in Litchfield buddy.

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