At the kitchen table Mariana and Callie are filling deviled eggs. Side note: I hate deviled eggs. But when I got married my mother made about 75 dozen of them under the misguided belief I liked them. It’s the danger of having four kids in the family, at some point we all blend together. So this scene is extra hilarious to me. Mariana dares Callie to eat some of the filling and offers to pay her one million dollars if she does. They wrestle over a spoonful of the stuff until it smacks Mariana in the face. They laugh and Mariana says misses Callie and is sad they aren’t going to be sisters. Callie says she’s not going away and she is used to being on her own. Mariana says but you had Jude then who is, in case you hadn’t noticed, an amazing kid. Callie says he freaked out when their mom died and tore apart Callie’s room and we get our second flashback to tiny Callie and Jude standing in a sea of broken toys and ripped apart posters. She just hopes he’ll be okay. You keep saying “Jude” but I think we all know who you’re really talking about.
Brandon appears and asks if he can talk to Callie. He steers her up the stairs with a hand placed a little too close to her ass for either Lena, Mariana, or the entire adult audience’s comfort. Lock it down, dude!
Stef weaves her way through a poker table, a roulette wheel, and a stripper pole to get to the buffet. What? It’s what Frank would have wanted. Sharon starts in on how beautiful the eulogy was and Stef cracks that it went on forever, just like the eulogy that pastor gave for her sexuality. Sharon is a bit confused and Stef clues her in that Pastor Rowley is the same one who her dad sent her to talk to when he caught her cuddling with a friend when she was sixteen. Did Stef grow up in Rosewood? How does Sharon not know where her husband sent their kid? Anyway, Sharon is aghast and wants to know why the hell Stef asked him to do the service? Stef says it’s what her dad would have wanted but she’s shocked that he dared enter “the home of the damned.”
Upstairs Brandon takes Callie to his room, closes the door, and says, “Let’s tell my moms were a couple.” Bless her heart, Callie doesn’t smack him upside the head but does remind him that this is his grandfather’s funeral and maybe not the best place to break that news. He’s like, oh right, totally. Let’s tell them tomorrow.” Lena opens the door and sighs at the sight of these fools. She sends Brandon to go fix the player piano downstairs. Callie stays behind and takes a moment to walk into her old room and have another flashback. Little Callie is sitting on her bed reading when her mom walks in. Callie refuses to look at her and her mom asks her not to be mad. She and her dad will be back soon. She asks Callie for a kiss good-bye but Callie doesn’t budge. Her mom says, “See you in the morning.” Back in the present Callie fights back tears.
Stef is arranging black licorice with Mariana. Mariana think there are less depressing candies for a funeral but Stef says it was her dad’s favorite because it was the only kind of sweets Stef wouldn’t steal. She takes a bite and says she loves it now. Funny how we become our parents. Mariana tries some and says “not bad” while Stef watches her wife play peek-a-boo with someone else’s baby. When Stef walks away Mariana pulls a face and says “ew, it’s like evil in my mouth.”
Mariana opens the front door and finds Emma there. Jesus calls for Emma to come in and Mariana says, “Oh you’re a lunatic who wrestles with dudes.” Jesus tells Mariana to take a hike. Emma hands him a noodle kugel, which she notes is dye free, organic, and one hundred percent approved for Jesus to eat. Dude, I think she just asked you to eat her kugel, isn’t that more of a third date thing? Mariana watches them flirt and stabs at a voodoo doll with the evil licorice. How dare you flirt while your girlfriend who is out of the country and never coming back?
Stef drags Lena in the kitchen and asks if there’s something she would like to share with the class. Lena says, “You mean about Mike?” Well this just got weird. She tells Stef about the article. Whoopsie, now Mike’s being dragged away from the party to answer to Stef. He says that the paper all but accuses him of murder and because of it he’s not going back to work. Gather around everyone, let’s put the “fun” in funeral!
In a nice throwback to the pilot episode, Callie is in the bathroom washing her hands. She stares in the mirror and has another flashback. Little Callie dumps out the contents of an envelope containing her mother’s possessions. She digs through the little that is left and finds her mother’s necklace. She puts it on and we come back to the present with Callie holding the pendant and looking at herself in the mirror.
Lena is fussing about the kitchen, just naming off 47 different types of food, the combination of which surely led to Frank’s early demise, when Callie walks in looking for Jude. Callie offers to help and Lena sends her away with some meatballs for the buffet. Dana waltzes in and senses a disturbance in the force. Lena rattles off a bunch of excuses but her mom knows she’s hiding something. She “Lena Elizabeths” her daughter and Lena confesses that she thinks she wants to have a baby. Her mom laughs and says if she wanted a baby she’d already have one. Way to be supportive, Dana.
Upstairs, Mariana, Jude, and Connor are playing with a Ouija board. Mariana wants to know if she will ever have a boyfriend. Connor and Jude roll their eyes but make the board say yes and indicate that this boy is her friend, the ambiguously gay, Zach. She freaks and runs away.
Downstairs Stef is on her laptop reading the article about Mike. Lena says the article is only going to upset her. Stef scoffs and says, “It’s my father’s funeral, the priest who told me I was going to hell is eating my guacamole, my son is off trying to nail his foster sister, you have secret vitamins, and you think this is the thing that’s going to ruin my day?” Stef has a point but I am mostly impressed she can say anything with Lena standing there looking like this.
Sharon sidles over to Stef and asks her what the hell her problem is. Stef says she thinks Lena is trying to get pregnant and Sharon makes a face and wonders if Lena is having an affair. Now it’s Stef’s turn to make a disgusted face. Sharon voices her opinion that having a baby is a stupid ass idea since they already have more kids than they can handle. Stef is most worried that Lena isn’t talking to her about it and Sharon tells Stef she better go to Lena. Listen to your mother, Stefanie Marie, women like Lena don’t just grow on trees. Stef doesn’t know what to say other than that they can’t have a baby.