“The Fosters” recap (1.13): “You had me at Judicorn”

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon and Callie kissed (I am sooo looking forward to the recap where I don’t have to type that), Callie ran away, stole a loaf of bread, landed in jail, and now is in a group home that looks more like my boarding school dorm. Stef and Lena yelled at Brandon. Mariana and Jesus yelled at Brandon, Jude yelled at Brandon, Talya yelled at Brandon, and Mike yelled at Brandon. But none of the yelling made a dent in Brandon’s head because he still went and found Callie and they reunited like the bad decision makers they are and we all rolled our eyes.  Jesus and Mike decided to be the parents for a while and took him right off his ADHD meds and put him on a regimen of wrestling (this message not brought to you by the American Psychiatric Association). Mariana joined the crew of the play because a cute boy asked her to and, thanks to Kelsey, “I stole a hat” became this year’s “I carried a watermelon.”

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In the backyard, Stef and Lena are getting a stern talking to from Callie probation officer. How he can manage to yell at them while they both look so stunning. Wait, where was I? Right. Brandon and Callie and their terrible decisions. If those two impulse control free kids can’t keep away from each other Callie is going to lose her spot at Eastland School and head back to Litchfield. Inside Mariana says “hey Judicorn.” No, really. Mariana reads the recaps and knows that Jude is half boy, half magical creature. She tries to distract him with offers to make him breakfast but he looks out the window and worries that Callie’s P.O. is actually a social worker. Mariana assures him everything is going to be fine in a tone that suggests she remembers what it’s like to worry that you’re going to have to move from a good home.

Rita is sitting at a desk getting ready to read Callie the riot act about running out of the house to go see her boyfriend. Callie starts to say “he’s not my boyfriend” but Rita doesn’t care if he’s the Fuller Brush Salesman. She is the voice of everyone over a certain age watching the show. No contact with that Leery boy, you hear? Also no more “accidents” in the house. Callie slouches and mumbles and refuses to make eye contact. She’s one tossed baseball mitt from having Jimmy Dugan chuck her in the shower to cool off.

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Back at the Adams Fosters’ home for the impulsive Brandon bops down the stairs flush with happiness at his sneaky trip to see Callie and finds himself face to face (to face to face) with the three headed parent monster. Gird your loins, mister. This isn’t Fluffy, playing music will not put this thing to sleep.  He tells them that they can’t keep him apart from Callie. Yeah, I’m going to see your teen bluster and raise you a restraining order, Brando. He throws the paper on the ground and stomps his feet and caps it off with a “whatever” before leaving for school. Well, when you put it that way, dude, I totally see your point. The parents let out a collective sigh and Stef offers that once he pulls his head out of his ass he’ll realize this is the best thing for Callie. Oh Stef, you think Brandon is concerned with what’s best for Callie? You’re hilarious. That boy is thinking with his head, and I don’t mean the lump three feet above his ass.

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Lena thanks Mike for being around to fix her car (well tinker with it, mostly since the thing still won’t run) and for helping parent his delinquent son. Stef feels bad about heading back to work without Mike but he doesn’t mind pretending to be a mechanic and drinking coffee and yelling at his kid. Lena tells Stef she forgot how tough Stef looks in her uniform and asks her to wear it to bed tonight. Lena also asks Stef to call at lunch since she’s just the tiniest bit nervous about Stef going back to work. Stef gives her a goodbye kiss and a sexy as hell wink before heading out.

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Callie and Daphne are hosing off garbage cans. Apparently, this is punishment for running out to see Brandon. Daphne tells Callie to hurry up because they are going on a field trip. She says she doesn’t have her privileges so the trip to the Forbidden Forest isn’t for her but Daphne laughs and says it’s not a privilege. Callie scurries over to the wall and take out a cell phone Brandon must have snuck her. Good grief you two! If pictures of Litchfield lady junk surface on the internet we’ll know who was responsible.

Jesus is running on the beach when Emma, the cute girl from his wrestling team, appears. She teases him for being out running on her beach and he tells her his whole life story including how he just got off his ADHD meds and how running is supposed to help and so is the wrestling and how he can’t eat any processed foods because the dye is bad for him and everything that ever tasted good in the history of the world has dye in it. She tells him that not everything that tastes good has dye in it (which is either regular cute or highly suggestive). She shoves him and races him back to school. I’m not sure if these two are flirting or if she just wants to be bros.

Down at the precinct Stef is meeting her new partner who tells her he doesn’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die, but otherwise he totally cool with having a girl for a partner. He also tells her that he drives since her high heels probably don’t work on the gas pedal. Stef asks him if he’s a GOP candidate. Captain Roberts swaggers in looking as hot as ever. She tells Stef that unofficially Mike is going to be cleared by internal affairs and officially, Stef is stuck with Mike Huckabee as her partner for at least a little while.

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Kelsey is late to help Mariana make costumes for the play. She runs in tells some story about writing in the Burn Book and then takes over for Mariana. Chase calls Mariana over to check the fit of his pants and then drops them so he can waggle his dick in her face. Chase, you are gross. Once she’s properly flustered the Captain Underpants asks if she’ll run lines with him after school. Kelsey looks a wee bit jealous.

Outside Jude is walking with Connor. Connor, we missed you! He asks Jude if he will come to a show at the planetarium in a few weeks. Jude isn’t sure he’ll still be there in a couple of weeks and then takes some of Connor’s uneaten lunch and stuffs it in his bag. Meanwhile, Lena is eating lunch in her office waiting for the phone to ring.  She calls Stef and leaves a message. Stef, when it’s your first day back after being shot it might be a good idea to call your wife. Lena is interrupted by some Amazon product placement which is funny since you know she and Stef shop at their local, lesbian owned, independent bookstore. Timothy asks if she’s OK and she says she fine about seven hundred times so, you know, not fine at all.

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Mariana and Zach bond over “old movies” that came out in the 1990s. Guys, when did I get so old? Mariana reminisces about Lexi and all the fun they used to have. Kelsey flounces in, makes fun of these two for watching “classic movies” and then bitches at Mariana for going after Aaron Samuels. Mariana says “he dropped his pants in my face, what was I supposed to do?” Kelsey brings up the fact that she covered for Mariana for the billionth time and then stalks off.

At the arboretum, botanical gardens, museum, or some such place a nice lady is blabbering on and the teens are rolling their eyes and making inappropriate jokes as one does on a school field trip. Callie continues to make bad decisions and skips off to meet Brandon. He asks “excuse me miss would you like to see my bonsai tree?”  Ew. Callie does not share my assessment and proceeds to kiss him on the mouth in broad daylight where he can hopefully get arrested.  Rita notices Callie is missing and runs around looking for her. Daphne shoves Brandon and tells him to get out and then tells Callie to “make like a bread truck and roll buns, girl.” Rita finds them and Daphne covers for Callie. Now they are even for that tie Daphne smashed Callie’s face in.

Mariana apologizes to Kelsey and they agree not to let a boy come between them. Well, Mariana does. She tells Chase she can’t run lines and Kelsey pipes up that she can totes do him, um do it. Sorry Cady Heron.

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