Outside Stef is standing on the sidewalk and looking amazing. Mariana bops down and says Lena wants to invite Mike to stay for dinner. Stef says, “Really? Why?” Mike scores and she calls him out for traveling. Stef, please heckle your ex-husband more often. Stef multitasks like a pro and hears about Mariana working on the school play while thinking of her next burn for Mike. Jesus scores and then collapses to the ground gripping his chest. Stef sends Mariana to get Lena because she has a Ph.D. in literature? What? Stef and Mike you are both cops. Did we learn nothing from Stef getting shot? CALL 911!
Inside Jesus is sipping water and Lena gets off the phone with a doctor. Weird, this looks nothing like the ER. Lena says the doctor thinks that it was probably just a side effect of upping Jesus’s meds. Mike sticks his two cents in and wonders what in the world is in the meds that might make Jesus’s heart race. Mike, I like you. I like that you showed up and took care of the kids last week. I mostly think you’re a good guy who got dicked over by a world that made Stef marry a guy she didn’t love to conform to some heterosexual ideal. But man, this is not your kid. Your kid is the one upstairs brooding about how hard his life is since he went and fucked things up for Jude and Callie. If one of my siblings or friends questioned my parenting decisions in front my kids, I would be super pissed. But obviously, this is to segue into Mike recommending that Jesus try a contact sport to get some of his aggression out and work his way off the meds. Lena says hell no to football and Mike suggests wrestling. Jesus says he’s not going to grope dudes. Oh this was me in high school. No dude groping for me either Jesus. Mike explains how wrestling isn’t just about groping, it’s about snazzy singlets (don’t call it a unitard, bro) and take downs and strategy. Strategic takedowns with snazzy uniforms? This sounds a lot like the A team. Where’s Vanderjesus when you need her?
Back at Girls United, Cole is overseeing the KP and catching flak from Becca who calls him Nicole and refuses to use appropriate gender pronouns. Daphne takes Callie out back to show her where the trash goes and reminisce about that time she punched Callie’s lights out.
Back home Brandon is listening to loud, angry music because he is full of feelings and rage over not being reunited with Callie. Life is pain, highness. Mike sits down to explain to Brandon that he understands how he could fall for Callie but that he needs to understand that Callie ran away with another guy and hasn’t contacted Brandon since. Maybe he needs to focus on letting her go instead of stomping around and ruining other people’s lives. Brandon snaps at Mike and tries to deflect him with teenager crankiness. Mike doesn’t take the bait, maybe he learned from Lena, and stays calm which only pisses Brandon off more.
Callie’s roommate Chiara explains how to get her privileges so she can have visitors and how to get points deducted for bad behavior/not sticking the landing. Callie complains about the house being worse than juvie and Chiara says it may be hard but people care. Rita stops by and tells Callie that there will be someone downstairs all night in case she needs anything. Callie wants to know how she gets her privileges and Rita says the other girls vote on it. Callie snaps, “So what’s your job?” Remember when she asked, “So, you’re dykes?” Oh little Callie, we see you. Rita explains she’s basically the referee. Chiara assures Callie that if she does her jobs and participates during group the other girls won’t stop her from seeing her little brother.
Speaking of Judicorn, he appears in Mariana’ doorway and stares at Callie’s bed. He claims he just needs another pillow. Oh little Jude, so unwilling to put anyone out for your own comfort. Thankfully Mariana sees this and tells him that she misses having someone else in the room and would he like to sleep in Callie’s bed for the night? Character growth!
The next day Kelsey (who hasn’t read the play or anything else this year but the instructions on her herpes cream) and Mariana are at the vintage store trying to find just the right look for virginal, insecure, crippled, Laura. Kelsey is like “she totes sounds like you Mariana” and pulls out a Little House on the Prairie inspired ensemble for Mariana to try on. Mariana balks but Kelsey says went commando so she’s definitely not trying anything on. While Mariana tries the dress on Kelsey states her plan to sleep with Chase before opening night and shoves a fedora in Mariana’s backpack. They get stopped by the security guard on the way out of the store but he only wants to check their purchases, not Mariana’s backpack.
It’s group therapy time. Becca is detailing her multigenerational drug and sexual abuse history. The other girls push Rita to share. She tells she dabbled with weed in her youth and that her addiction is to food. Gabi says she’s not addicted to anything but the others think she’s addicted to her boyfriend. She turns her sights on Cole. Becca says she’s addicted to being a boy. Rita immediately corrects Becca’s improper use of pronouns. Cole says he should be in an LGBT home and Rita says she’s working on it. Cole wants to know what’s up with Callie? Callie searches but can’t think of something she’s addicted to. She says she ran away because she kissed her foster brother but that she needs her privileges not to see him but to explain to Jude why she ran away.
Stef walks into Mariana and Jude’s room and tells him that Callie earned her privileges and he can go visit her tomorrow. Mariana wants to know if she can go too but Stef says Jude should get Callie all to himself. Brandon creeps like a regular Ezra Fitz outside and listens in. Go away Brandon! After Stef leaves Mariana makes fun of herself for doing homework on a Friday night. She opens her bag and find the hat Kelsey slipped in at the store. Maybe it’s time to realize that Kelsey, while hilarious in a train wreck kind of way, isn’t a good friend.
Becca walks in to borrow lotion, and to give Callie shit. Callie storms out and accidentally walks into the bathroom while Cole is getting changed. Cole yells for Callie to leave and shoves her and then Callie shoves him back. He stumbles into the shower door and the glass breaks everywhere. Rita sits Callie and Cole down on the sofa and wants to know what the hell happened. They both say it was an accident, Cole slipped and fell, because if she knew either of them pushed the other they would both be kicked out of the house. Instead Rita takes a page from Anne of Green Gables and makes Anne sit with Gilbert. The indignity!
The next morning Stef and Lena find Jude ready to go visit Callie. He’s wearing a coat and a tie and could not be any cuter. They have to tell him that Callie lost her privileges and they can’t go see her today. The moms say that Brandon is at his piano lesson (NOPE) and the twins are fine for a bit so they would like to take Jude out to do something special. Jude says, “No thanks” and looks so sad. Lena’s face nearly broke my heart. Is there a worse feeling than not being able to help your kid? This kid can’t catch a break and there’s nothing that the moms can do about it. Why can’t all the kids be more like Jude?!
Mariana stomps up to Kelsey and confronts her about the stolen fedora. Mariana tells Kelsey to sneak it back into the store until Chase comes over and tells her that it’s “totes the thing he needs to create his character.” Eye roll. Guys, when I was in high school I often felt like other teenage girls were aliens, and being older than dirt has not changed that. This guy? Really? In the immortal words of Quinn Fabray, “That’s why girls experiment in college.” Totes.
Jesus is watching groping wrestling practice and notices there’s a girl. Jesus doesn’t think it looks so hard until Emma, the aforementioned girl, pins his face to the mat in less than half a second. She tells him “nice effort” and pats his little tush on her way back to the line.
Back at Girls Semi-United Callie stares out the window while Rita tries to get her and Cole to come down for ice cream. Cole only needs to hear “chocolate sauce” before he springs off his bed and hurries down for treats. Rita says she’s sorry Callie won’t get to see her brother and Callie snaps about Rita taking away her privileges for no reason. Oh Callie, Rita’s not stupid. She can smell your BS story a mile away. She tells Callie she better learn that her actions have consequences before she finds herself back in Azkaban. Callie stares out of the window some more and sees Mr. No Boundaries standing there like a creep. She runs outside and across the street so she can leap into Brandon’s arms. The girls stand on the porch. Some are delighted, Daphne shakes her head in disgust (I’m with Daphne) and Rita can’t believe what this girl just did immediately following their discussion of behavior and consequences.
Alright, let’s discuss. What did you think of this week’s episode?