“The Fosters” (1.02) recap: You lie, Stef. You lie.

It’s family meeting time! Turns out they don’t have space to keep Callie and Jude long term so they are going to put all the kids into the Hunger Games and keep whoever lives. Bye, Mariana. nice knowing you. They are going to keep Jude and Callie until Bill can find them a permanent home so as of the next day Jude will be in with Jesus and Callie in with Mariana. Mariana’s stink face amazing.

Jesus is busy making space in his room, that looks a lot like A’s lair, when Lexi comes over to see Mariana. Lexi makes a quick stop at Jesus’ room to thank him for sticking up for her. He stares at her for a moment before kissing her. Mariana ruins everything, again, and takes Lexi away. Mariana and Jesus bitch about having to make room for Callie and Jude and Mariana suggests they put them in the dining room. Brandon says why stop there, maybe we can put them under the stairs like in Harry Potter? Jesus bitches that Brandon can be welcoming because he isn’t losing anything. Teenagers are so charming and so blinded by their own shit that they find it impossible to see the irony of being so unwelcoming to a brother and sister who need a foster home. Who does that sound like? Think, think, think. Dumbasses.

The next morning, Talya is bitching about Brandon getting grounded and wants to know why Callie’s not going back to juvie. Stop trying to make “juvie” happen, Gretchen. He asks if she’s jealous and she says “no, absolutely not, the opposite of jealous. Why would I be jealous?”

Stef is back on the beat, driving Miss Daisy, and chatting about Brandon. Mike says that Brandon was right and that because Stef and Lena are the perfect parents that he just handed over the reins to his kid to them because they’re awesome. He doesn’t want to do that anymore and wants to be more involved. Buddy, I’m all for you to be involved in your kid’s life but if you ever talk to Lena that way again I will cheer her as she verbally (or any other way she choosing) eviscerates you. We’ve seen what she can do to a cucumber, you might want to watch it.

Callie braves the lunch table scene and Malibu Stacey starts reading Callie’s page in the burn book. Callie smiles because Malibu Stacey is too lame to warrant a retort and ends up sitting with Talya. Talya starts in with a thousand questions about where she’s from (Africa) where she went to school (home schooled) and where she got her bracelets (mom made them). God, I hope Tina Fey is getting royalties from this scene.

Malibu Stacey is in the bathroom snorting some Ritalin, and Lena walks in. She hears the snorting, rolls her eyes because between Mike, Stef, and their 47 kids, she’s had it with shenanigans. She walks to the door to the hallway, opens it and lets it shut. Out walks Stacey with white powder all over her. She’s surprised to see Lena standing there (and I’m shocked that three other Liars didn’t come out of the adjacent stalls). Lena tells the girl she has some white shit on her nose. She wants to know what it is and who gave it to her and she can either tell Lena or the police.

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