Callie’s lounging in the music room avoiding the politics of the lunch tables and certainly not waiting to gaze at Brandon’s soulful, musician’s eyes. She asks if his moms are always so cool about breaking the rules or if they went easy on him because his biggest offense is wearing a grandpa cardigan while still a teen. She picks up the guitar, as every girl or boy who has ever wanted to get laid in high school does, and plays a few chords. She tells him that she hasn’t played in a while but that her mom taught her to play before she died. Talya shows up at the door just in time to see Brandon put his hand on Callie’s leg to comfort her.
Stef comes scurrying down the steps and into the room where Lena is flipping through a magazine at her craft table. Stef gives Lena a quick, “Mike is right behind me because he wants to talk about Brandon’s punishment” heads up before Mike comes in, puffing out his chest and trying to seem extra manly and authoritative. Stef tries to set the tone by saying that Mike thinks Brandon needs to be punished and Lena responds with the a PowerPoint presentation of all the reasons why a punishment isn’t appropriate.
Mike counters by grabbing his balls and telling her that her opinion is irrelevant because he’s Brandon’s dad and Stef is his mom and Lena is just some lady. Stef is trying to keep the peace but failing miserably. Lena is, rightly, pissed at being dismissed. She asks Stef what she thinks and Stef says Mike has a point. Duuuude, you cannot side with your ex over your wife. Rookie mistake. Send us a postcard from Sofa City, I hear it’s lovely this time of year.
Brandon bounces in and sees the quorum of parents and wants to know what’s up. When they tell him he’s being punished he flips and says he made plans. Mike continues his reign of douchery by being sarcastic. Brandon asks since when Mike cares since he only ever calls every couple of nights to talk for five minutes. He storms off, but not before asking them to let him know who he’s supposed to be taking orders from. Mike leaves and when Stef tries to talk to Lena she walks away too. Worst. Three-way. Ever.
“So fun! Let’s do it again next week!”
Jesus is in his room blasting music, watching videos, flipping through photos, and messaging a friend. Jake Gyllenhaal rolls up with his drug rep suitcase full of meds and does a quick infomercial about psych meds for everyone at home. Let this be a lesson to all you kids in TV land, take your medicine, don’t sell it for cash, no matter how much money the cool kids will give you. Mariana comes in and tells him to take the rest of his meds and then tells the moms he dropped the rest down the drain like the old lady in Titanic. She finally apologizes but it’s lame and half-hearted and she’s still the worst.
Downstairs, away from dysfunction junction, Callie is helping Jude with his homework by telling him the answers. He asks how long they are going to be with this family and she tells him she doesn’t know. Also not long for this house are the poor cucumbers Lena is massacring in the kitchen. It’s much more Lizzie Borden than Top Chef. She waves the knife around as she tells Stef that she’s never felt so much like a step-mom. She says if this is going to be the way it goes in the future she is going to be fun mom, the cool mom, the good times stepmom. She’s going to offer the kid booze and cigarettes and maybe a little heroin.
Stef tries to explain that it wasn’t OK for them to make such a big decision without Mike and how would Lena feel if someone made a decision about the twins without her. Stef, you are an idiot. Finally Lena says, “you humiliated me in front of Mike.” Stef says, “Well you asked, what was I supposed to do.” Lena, speaking for everyone watching “you lie, Stef. You lie.” God, Stef, this is really Relationship 101 here. She apologizes and then says that it’s not easy for her to be in the middle and that everyone is just doing their best to deal with the situation. Stef, you’re soooo not forgiven. Stef, if you need to come over to my house for a primer in how to say you’re sorry after you’ve done something stupid, I’m kind of an expert. First assignment, practice saying “my wife is prettier and smarter than I am and she is always right.”
Stef goes up to talk to Brandon who knows that he was wrong and what he needs to do to fix it. This kid seems to basically parent himself so, you know, he’ll be on meth by the end of the season. Stef notices he’s got his guitar out and asks if he’s playing again.
Jude walks in and asks if he can help Lena because unless a family is going to send them away right away they usually give out chores. Oh man, kid, right for the heart. Lena hands him some salad forks because this family eats nutritious, three course meals complete with enough silverware to make Vivian Ward’s head spin. While they over set the table, Jude asks if Lena and Stef are married. They are married in their hearts, but not legally. He says, “Well that’s basically the same thing, right?” Oh tiny unicorn, if only.
“Sure, it’s basically the same thing, unless you count all the rights we don’t have and the money the feds keep stealing from us.”