“The Fosters” (1.02) recap: You lie, Stef. You lie.

Lena is in her office with Jude and he’s all jazzed because maybe he’ll see Callie in the hallway. She Tami Taylors for a bit about how she’ll always be there if he needs her. They are interrupted by Timothy “I ask stupid and heavy handed questions about Kafka,” who has found a note that says Miss Norbury is selling drugs. So they go on a locker search. Hooray! I love hide and seek! The security guard who is doing the search does not go to Stef’s tailor and his uniform does not give me the same tingly feeling. Lena, why don’t you pop it on and see how we do. Much better. Anyway, Mariana and Malibu Stacey are freaking out about the search and Stacey pulls the old “those medicines are for my very real lady problems, sir” trick to get him to give up. Jesus pulls on his Captain Obvious underoos and tells Mariana she better hope none of the people she’s dealing to is keeping the pills in their locker.

“I borrowed this hat from Baby McCullers. Now where did I leave that coconut cupcake?”

Mike walks up to Stef at their cruiser and says he got the report filed. She pats him on the head and says “good boy” before tossing a treat in the passenger’s seat because she’s driving. They have a nice cozy conversation about the appropriate punishment for Brandon and Mike is pissed that Brandon isn’t getting grounded. Stef makes the mistake of saying “Lena thought” before saying why they aren’t grounding him and Mike goes off. He calls Lena “hippy dippy,” belittles her PhD, and says that they need to set boundaries so Brandon won’t do anything so stupid again. Stef protests, rather weakly for someone who generally takes zero shit from anyone, and Mike ends his chest pounding session by telling her that they should have talked to him before they punished Brandon. Stef, girl, you know I love you but you have to present a united front. If it was Lena’s idea and you agreed, guess what, it’s your idea, too. Don’t try to hide behind Lena. Mike, dude, I get it, every parent has vented the terror over seeing your kid in harm’s way as anger, but directing that toward Stef and Lena just makes you seem like a child.

Lexi and meathead number one are walking down the hallway and he’s trying to convince her to go out with him again. When he won’t take no for an answer Jesus jumps in. The guy calls Jesus a crackhead and then they start shoving each other before Timmy can break everything up.

Callie sneaks down a hallway, past your standard issue bird bath, and taps on the window of Jude’s classroom. He raises his hand, because he’s adorable like that, and then meets her in the hallway. Callie asks him if he’s OK and if Bill told him anything. Jude says Bill said “hi” and we all realize that Jude is adorable but not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Lena is asking Jesus why he got into a fight. He says that the guy was hassling Lexi. Lena notices that he’s bouncing around in his seat, his leg jiggling a million miles an hour. She asks him if he took his pill and he says yes and, jeez, can’t he just have a bad day without it turning into a psychiatric event? Lena says yes, but knows he’s full of crap but lets him go anyway with a warning that if he feels like beating someone up he should take a deep breath instead. As he leaves the security guard comes into the office and Jesus looks a bit nervous.

Mariana is waiting outside the office and asks him about getting in a fight. He tells her he’s been skipping his meds so she won’t get into trouble and is feeling a bit jumpy. She tells him to calm down so they won’t get into trouble. He’s like there is no we, dumbass, you’re the jerk selling my meds. And you’re welcome, for covering for you, by the way. Mariana and Mike are now tied for the actual worst.

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