“The Fosters” recap (1.17): “Aca-awkward”


Callie says hi to a couple girls in the hallway and they say they’re friends with Talya. Callie walks down the hallway with Mariana who points out that Callie did kind of steal Brandon from Talya (because Brandon is a thing, incapable of rational thought or decision making. Fine, lately that’s kind of true). Callie responds that Mariana did actually put her panties in Chase’s pocket. They laugh and shrug it off because it’s silly and so high school and who cares what anyone thinks, right? Cue a waterfall of boxers springing from Mariana’s locker while Chase and the Douche-Tones laugh like cartoon villains. Mariana rushes to put the undies in the trash but Lena happens by and wants to know why Mariana is elbow deep in underpants and why on earth she’s not wearing gloves.

Back at home the moms are trying to tell Mariana the appropriate way to let a guy know you like him. Lena says “compliment his nursing home production of Shakespeare.” They want to know where she got such a stupid idea and she says from Talya. “It worked for her and Bran—” Stef begs her not to finish that sentence. They send her off with a kiss on the head and the assurance that the right boy will come along just like it happened for them. Wait. Anyway, Stef tells Lena that she invited Mike and Brandon and the sober buddy to be named later over for dinner. Lena is confused because Stef never told her. Lena says she invited Timothy and it would be rude to cancel on her subordinate co-worker. Stef doesn’t understand why because Lena hasn’t mentioned her super secret idiotic plan to use Timothy’s sperm to make a baby. Stef says, “Well, break out the hummus babe, we’re having a dinner party.”

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Callie is putting up information sheets for her photo shoot when Brandon comes by and tries to figure out how he can use her good deed to further his own dastardly plans. He calls her a “really good person” and walks away twirling his mustache. It’s time for a wrestle-off. Jesus looks way too confident and taunts Emma by telling her she shouldn’t have eaten all those scones. They grapple and it looks like he’s about to pin her but then he gets all doe eyed and she pins his sorry butt. He congratulates her and she gets pissed because he stopped seeing her a wrestler and saw her as a girl. She yells that on the mat she’s not a girl and then kisses him before yelling some more and storming off. Jesus, raised by lesbians, surrounded by women, and still has no effing clue what’s going on with girls half the time.

Callie and Judicorn are setting up the photo shoot while Kiara talks about how amazing the school is. Callie is worried Daphne is going to go back to the gang if she doesn’t get her daughter back. Hey, Brandon, these are real stakes.

At home Lena welcomes Timothy who brought wine because he can’t cook. Lena laughs and says “oh I’m sure a brilliant guy like you isn’t bad at anything. Stef this is my brilliant co-worker. Did I mention he’s brilliant?” Stef gives a WTF face and wonders if Lena forgot to tell her they are pretending to be straight tonight. Dani and Mike arrive and Stef makes passive aggressive comments before they all walk toward the table and wonder where to sit. Guys, really this is dinner party 101, sort out who you hate the most and put them as far away as possible. Lena starts gesturing and whistling like Tippi the Bird and Stef looks around to see if she’s on Candid Camera.

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Daphne arrives at the school and ogles the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES while Callie takes pictures. Cole shows up with his new roommate and Michelle. Cole’s parents won’t take him back so he needs a foster home. Kiara gives Daphne crap for being late. She thinks the school looks more like a resort and wonders if they have happy hour for study hall. One little girl take a shine to Jude and he helps make her smile extra big for the pictures before stealing the camera and taking shots of Callie. Callie pulls Daphne in front of her but Daphne needs to find the loo. Callie tosses her Lena’s keys in case the door is locked. Ruh roh. I smell a red herring.

Brandon arrives late for the awkward dinner party and makes a lame excuse. Timothy says he must have been “grappling with the motif of guilt and deception in Hamlet.” It’s bad enough to have teachers over for dinner, Timmy, there’s no need to make it worse by discussing school work. Lena jumps in to say Timothy was a Rhodes scholar. He deflects the parise with a joke and Lena laughs like Samantha Jones on a first date with a hot guy. Know who else was a Rhodes Scholar? Hot, smart lesbian, Rachel Maddow. Bring it back to the gay, Lena.

Dani refuses wine and tells a very nosy Stef that she’s been sober for five years. Stef asks if sober buddies are allowed to date and Mike doesn’t tell her to butt out. Did everyone lose their grasp of appropriate boundaries in social situations? Lena keeps rattling on about the history of Rhodes Scholarships and how much Timmy boy loves animals and how he single handedly fought a dragon and rescued a princess once. Mike, bless his heart, says “maybe I should date Timothy.”

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Stef and Lena scurry into the kitchen and Stef demands to know just what the hell is going on in the other room. She is trying to do her detective work on Dani and all Lena wants to talk about is Timothy. Lena says that she’s been thinking maybe they should use a known donor and maybe that known donor should be her subordinate at work. Somewhere an employment lawyer’s brain just exploded. Stef isn’t taking it much better. Lena, head to the penalty box. That’s a major penalty.

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Stef blows her advantage though by saying she wouldn’t be comfortable with Lena seeing their baby’s father at work everyday. Whoopsie. Pretty rich coming from someone who was partners with her ex-husband. Lena, giver of epic “DNA doesn’t make a family” speeches, says she just wants to know where this baby comes from. Ladies, I’m going to give you both a time out. You need to think this baby thing through some more. Timothy pops his head in and says “can I help with anything.”

When Mike hops up to pee Dani and Brandon scowl and trade blackmail threats. Brandon, you were a smart kid. Now you’ve got more secrets than room to keep them in your hair. How long before you start getting blackmailed by half of San Diego?

The next day Timothy wanders into Lena’s office and thanks her for dinner before offering her a little something in return. He’s up for sharing his sperm with all the fabulous lesbians of San Diego and he wants Stef and Lena to have first crack. This cozy conversation is broken up by Sanchez who needs a word with Lena about some missing Kindles.

There’s giggling in the corridor and Mariana grabs a school paper. Looks like someone ripped Chase in print for his terrible acting in the play. Zach walks up and tells her how he slipped the review into the paper after the faculty approved it. She’s impressed and asks if he did it because they are friends and he said he was just righting a wrong like Batman. Ducky, you’re great, but you ain’t no Paige McCullers.

Sanchez questions Callie about the BEAUTIFUL KINDLES that went missing during the photo shoot. Callie tells Lena she didn’t give out the keys but then confronts Daphne about it. Daphne is pissed she rode three buses and a pack mule across town to get there. Daphne says she didn’t take them. Daphne says Callie better book Brandon McCreeper in the list of people who were there because she saw him lurking when he was supposed to be home having dinner. callie asks Brandon and he denies being there. She says some stuff is missing from the office and she’s pretty sure Daphne took it.

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In an adjacent courtyard Jesus finds Emma and apologizes and then kisses her. She says, “Well hold up there bucko—you have a girlfriend and I don’t do cheating.” He says he doesn’t either and it’s time visited Luce at the florist for a break up plant. Outside Vico hands Brandon his cut from the IDs. Brandon yells at him to put the shit back he stole. Brandon, when you go into illegal business with the guy who socked your brother you can’t be shocked when it goes sideways.

In the Adams Foster kitchen, Stef is paying bills with Lena when Callie comes in and tells them that she forgot that she gave the keys to Daphne to use the bathroom. Upstairs, Jude and Callie flip through the pictures and Callie notices something. In the background of one of the pictures Jude took she can see Brandon’s car. Spencer Hastings! He was lying! In other news sugar is sweet.

What did you think of the episode? Are you ready for more mayhem next week?

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