“The Fosters” recap (1.14): “I must not throw books at Jesus”

Lena and Stef are sitting in bed the size of the Titanic reading. Lena twists her hair up and tries to start a conversation with Stef about her gynecologist. Look, maybe it’s not the sexiest thing, but they’ve been together for how long? Subtle isn’t always the way to go. She says their gyno got their Christmas card and was sorry she couldn’t make to the wedding. Just as Lena is working up the courage to tell Stef about her biological clock Brandon knocks on the door. You’re killing me, Smalls! He tap dances and spins plates in the air and trying to convince the moms that he was just kidding about being in love with Callie. What does love mean anyway? He just really want to put it all behind them so he can get on top of Callie, preferably on family day. The moms send him away but aren’t really buying his act. Stef shuts herself in her sterile, no mating pod and asks Lena what the doctor was saying. Lena pretends she can’t remember. Use your words, Lena.

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The next morning the girls are giving Callie grief about her boyfriend/foster brother coming to visit along with her two moms, the twins, Judicorn, and a partridge in a pear tree. They come to the door and everyone gets a hug but Brandon. Rita and Jude can’t believe this shit but neither of them says anything. In the kitchen Callie is fetching a pitcher of water, and catching more grief from the girls. Gabi swaggers in and wants to know who the hottie is in the hoodie and they engage in a lighthearted but kind of icky game called, “Which brother would you rather date?” Mariana asks Callie questions that suggest that she used her suspension to watch Orange is the New Black and take copious notes. They grab lunch and Callie follows Jude out to the porch. He says, “Look, I know your whole deal is that you push people away but I never thought you would push me away.” Callie was just trying to protect him, she wanted him to get adopted. He says he is getting adopted, with or without her, and she ‘s like oh that’s great, my dipshit plan is working.

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Inside Rita sidles up to Stef and Lena and asks why they got a restraining order against their own kid if they were just going to help him violate it on family day. Valid question Rita. If Callie is going to come home they need to stop with all the pining and brooding so the moms figured why not see if they can trust old creeper or not. Rita says, yeah maybe you want to check with Callie because she applied to live on her own. Mariana is thrilled to be talking to girls her own age and is busy quizzing Kiara, Daphne, and Becca about their future plans.

Becca has plans like a 10-year-old: “I’m going to be a marine biologist, and a zoo keeper, and an astronaut, and save all the dogs in shelters.” Callie swings by to grab the plates and then pulls her ear, pats her head, and otherwise signals Brandon to come to the kitchen like she’s giving him the bunt signal. Subtle she is not. Brandon asks why she’s breaking up with him and she looks at him like a regular Paige McCullers and says, “Are you drunk?” The moms break up this moment and Brandon says they were just talking with their lips two inches apart, like siblings do.

Lena, bless her gorgeous face and otherwise whip smart mind, fundamentally misunderstands the idea of a restraining order and tells them talking is a-OK. Stef asks Callie about her foolish plan to live on her own and Callie gives a speech about how it’s just time and that she’s grateful for everything they did for her and for adopting Jude. Stef turns and asks Brandon if this idiocy is his doing, because the odds are good when something stupid is happening he’s involved. But this time he’s actually not involved, just enjoying the mental image of Callie with her own place.

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Back at home, Stef is completely flabbergasted by why a sixteen-year-old girl would do something so stupid for a boy. Stef might have run away from home for Winnie Cooper, but Brandon? Really? Upstairs Jude is locked out of his room for Jesus time. He takes a seat outside the door and unfurls a dozen cheese sticks and gets to work.

Callie is taking out the trash when she hears a rustling in the bushes. Cole bangs around and makes noise like he’s trying to break up Emily’s date with Alison before emerging from the bushes. Callie calls him out for texting Brandon and Cole says it’s for her own good. She tells him that he either gives her the phone or she tells Rita about Cole’s drug use. Cole hands over the phone.

Back at the house, Jude has read five of the seven Harry Potter books and is so fired up about Sirius dying that he decides to storm his room. He finds Jesus talking to Emma on the computer and loses it. He yells at Jesus for locking him out so he could have a conversation with a girl. In my favorite pissed-off toss since Paige spiked her Chinese food, Jude chucks a book at his head. The moms heard the shouting and show up just in time before the moms appear. Jude tells them that Jesus kept him out of the room so he could have “Jesus time” and Stef nearly cracks. They take Jude out with them but Stef can’t keep it together and smirks at Jesus as they leave.

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