“The Challenge: Battle of the Exes” SnapCap (22.05) – Face Palm, Face Plant

 
 

Welcome back everybody! I hope your nerves have calmed down a bit more than mine have after last night’s Battle of the Exes. Johnny is getting on my last nerve and Paula‘s pout face is starting to drive me crazy.

I’ll save some of that for later but first I want to say two very important things: Firstly, I need to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the woman’s voice narrating the beginning of each episode sounds like Mayim Bialik, right? Go back and listen and if you don’t end up wanting to watch Blossom then I just don’t know if we can be friends. Secondly, I was watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Lindsay Lohan and who did I see but Diem Brown being interviewed about being childhood friends with LiLo. Talk about Lindsanity!

DOUCHEBAGGERY

The needle on the douche-o-meter was going a little nutty last night. Unfortunately, not all of the idiocy it was picking up came from the guys. That being said, Johnny has got to be the most manipulative whiny bitch I’ve seen in a long time. I either forgot or never noticed it before, most likely because Wes is usually there longer and his being an a-hole combined with his gingerness makes it difficult to concentrate on too much else.

So last week we saw how much of a jerk he was to Rachel and Aneesa, but this week he turned on his own teammate. Yes,  Camilla was drinking a lot of tequila and got out of hand. Yes, they have a history I am unaware of. But, that’s just it — they have history together and Johnny knows exactly how Camilla gets when it comes to needing all of his attention. He also knows how she gets when she is wasted, but he was more than happy to include her in on the shots he bought so that Ty and Paula could potentially have “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” sex. Seriously, that’s totally what’s been going on and it’s making it really uncomfortable to watch because at this point it’s not just Ty and Paula in this, now it’s a whole group of people pimping each other out under the dark cloak of a blackout.

So, while Johnny is trying to play doctor’s assistant, Camilla gets angry and belligerent and decides to try to dance and hook up with a random guy. Thankfully Emily is there to tell the guy to “shoo.”

Back at the house, things only escalate when Camilla tries to pass out in Johnny’s bed. Johnny decides it’s not his responsibility to take care of the situation taking place in his bed with his partner. Paula, being the pushover that she, is tries to get Camilla to become a member of MoveOn.com but this just makes the Brazilian nut go cray cray. She gets up, her tube top goes down, yelling happens, a plant gets injured when it’s in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She starts yelling things at Johnny that are hard to understand due to heavy breathing as she tries to pick up a wicker chair and hurl it across the room. The one thing she says more clearly than anything else is something about killing him.

What makes this whole thing so bad for me is how hands-off he is. Aneesa had to be the one to try to tell him that he should be the one controlling his partner and calming her down — I mean, when she’s screaming bloody murder, Johnny just keeps telling the girls to hold her back. This girl is drunk off her ass, talking about killing somebody, throwing chairs and you want one of those girls to handle her? A girl that isn’t Rachel or Emily? Idiot.

No worries — later on he gets her to believe it was all her fault, like the true mature gentleman he is.

Speaking of gentlemen, Abram is my man. Sometimes he scares me and reminds me of some aggressive lesbians I knew in college, but he seems like a great guy. I am really impressed by his communication skills and willingness to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Unfortunately, Cara Maria has her head up her ass and can’t see that the highs and lows of their relationship — at least the parts we’ve seen — are due to her being completely confusing. Everything was going so well when everyone was out at the bar. Cara Maria looked at Abram and I could actually see the love there. She got so excited in the moment that she asked him to move in with her when they get back into the real world. Abram was so excited and I was really happy for them, until he asked her why she wanted him to move in. Her response, because “I am so attracted to you.”

Ladies, let me make sure you are armed with this very important piece of information for the future: Never move in with someone who tells you the reason they want you to move in is because “I am so attracted to you.” Attraction doesn’t do the dishes, cuddle on the couch or take care of you when you’re sick.

It didn’t even take a few days before Cara Maria felt suffocated by her relationship and took back the offer of moving in together.

I wonder what Honey Boo Boo thinks about all this.

My thoughts exactly!

LADIES KICKING ASS

Meh, there wasn’t a whole lot of ladies kicking ass last night — I mean, unless you count Camilla taking down that innocent plant and chair. The most kick ass part of the show for me was Aneesa being the voice of reason, or at least trying to be even if it fell on deaf ears.

EYE CANDY

I’m sorry, but sometimes Aneesa and Rachel are just too cute. They look like good friends and I really like that they’re both rocking the Pat Benatar off the shoulder look during their one-on-ones.

The reason why the Eye Candy scale is rather high this episode can be found right here, in this one picture.

Thank you, Emily, for posing like that and thank you, camera person, for being there to get it on film.

DAMN CHALLENGE, YOU SO CRAZY

The challenge itself wasn’t all that crazy but it looked really difficult. I know how bad it hurts when I fall crotch-first onto something, so I can only imagine some of the guys were walking a little funny post-challenge. The object of the game was to have each team member jump together from one non-sturdy pole to another. They couldn’t leave one pole without first being on the same pole for a short period of time.

Since Johnny and Camilla were last week’s Power Couple, they got to choose who went first. Making sure their douche cup runneth over, they chose Rachel and Aneesa to go first along with Abram and Cara Maria. The Dream Team actually did pretty well! Abram did his best to cheer-lead for his partner but she wasn’t in a loving mood that day so his encouragement didn’t help even when he was trying to comfort her. No surprises here, but those two ended up in the bottom.

The winners of the week’s challenge were Robin and Mark. Mark might be a nice guy, but he started pulling the same shit every guy I’ve ever had to do a project with in college has done: Think they are the only ones with a say and decide to take over total control. It is really rude and really annoying and I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point Robin just throws her hands up and says eff this noise. I wouldn’t blame her either.

Robin and Mark — or at least Mark — decided to throw Ty and Emily back into the ring to face off against Cara Maria and Abram. The teams were given the challenge where they need wrestle a cross out of their opponent’s hands. I was really worried for Ty and for Cara Maria. In the end, Emily barely broke a sweat while Ty used all of his go-go juice, but was eventually able to beat Abram.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Are you as annoyed with Johnny as I am? Did you recognize the kiss of death Paula gave to her vow of not hooking up with Ty? Never say, “Quote me on that” when referring to keeping it in your pants around someone you are flirting with constantly while surrounded by liquor and a cheering section.

 
 

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