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The Best and Worst of Cosmo’s Lesbian Sex Tips

Much ado has been made about Cosmo‘s new listicle of 28 lesbian sex positions to try NOW. Skimming through the legendary lady mags foray into making pictures of straight looking illustrated girls doing gay looking sex actions above the perky yet explicit descriptions we’ve come to expect from Cosmo, I was neither offended nor titillated. I feel no need to wax poetic on how Cosmo STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ME or start scissoring madly while festooned in floral garlands because the big bag lady mag told me so. Frankly I’m amused and entertained by the sincere, if hetero-peppy, shot at reppin’ my kind. In that spirit of good natured mockery, I clarified and decorated the 15 best and worst of Cosmo’s lesbian sex tips.

1. THE LACONIC LOUNGER Actual Title: Finger banging in bed What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner lie on her back with two pillows under her upper back. Kneel between her legs and draw slow circles around her clitoris with one hand. Use your free hand to massage her breasts, or just have a hot makeout sesh.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it?: Yes. Yes. Cosmo Difficulty: <3 Actual Difficulty: 0 beanies

2. THE ROCKET Actual Title: Sitting on her face What Cosmo Says: “You know the Beyoncé song that starts, ‘Let me sit this aaaaass on you’? That’s what you’re going for here. Kneel over her shoulders and let your butt brush against her nipples while she gets intimate with your clitoris.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 1 beanie.

3. THE KINKY JOCKEY Actual Title: Sitting on her back while she’s on all fours for no apparent reason. What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner get on all fours, then straddle her hips. Tug on her hair while you rub your clitoris against her tailbone. Getting a little Fifty Shades of Grey is always hot.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No. Cosmo Difficulty: <3 <3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: No beanies. Pointless.

4. THE DOUBLE DUTY Actual Title: No thanks What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner get on all fours with her pelvis tilted up. Kneel over her calves, rubbing your clitoris against her leg. Start by licking her clitoris and vulva, but if she’s up for it move on to anilingus. The contrast will blow her mind.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 3 beanies

5. THE WICKED WARM-UP Actual Title: On your knees, bish What Cosmo Says: “How to: Kneel in front of your standing partner and have her drape one leg over your shoulder while you go down on her.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 2 beanies.

6. OVER THE EDGE Actual Title: The Curious/Cautious Straight Girl With A Boyfriend What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner create a bridge, with her upper back on the bed and her feet on the floor. Straddle one of her legs (put your outside knee on the bed and hold her hands for leverage) and grind your pubic bone against hers.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Somewhat. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 0 beanies

Actual Title: Sex with a strap on What Cosmo Says: “This position requires a strap-on harness and dildo. Once you’re geared up, enter her missionary style, but let your nipples brush against each other with every thrust” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 2 beanies.

8. DEFYING GRAVITY Actual Title: Taunting Gravity While Inspecting Her Anus What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner sit in a chair (or on the couch). Facing away from her, kneel, straddling her. Bend over so your hips are in the air and touch your hands to the ground for support. Now she has all-access for oral sex.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 7 beanies

9. THE TAWDRY TIRE-SWING Actual Title: Lean back What Cosmo Says: “Sit on your partner’s lap with your back to her. From here, she can finger you and you can finger her, all while you swing your hips back and forth along her pelvis.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 1 beanie

10. THE SEXY SPIDER Actual Title: Straddle Finger Bang What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner sit on a chair. Straddle her so you’re facing each other and start with a steamy makeout session. From here she can reach around and penetrate you with her fingers or you can grind your pubic bone against hers.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 1 beanie

11. THE CLASSIC 69 Actual Title: Same Old 69 What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner lie down on her back. Kneel over her head, facing her feet. Stay here if you’re feeling selfish, but if you’re a giver, bend forward and lick, kiss, and suck gently on her clitoris, while she does the same to you.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 2 beanies

12. THE BELLY DANCER Actual Title: Rubbing your stomachs together in floral necklaces What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner lie on her back and sit on her so your clits rub together. Rest your hands on her upper thighs for support while you grind against her” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 4 beanies

13. THE SULTRY SPOON Actual Title: Stealthy Snuggle Sex What Cosmo Says: “Lie in spooning position behind your partner and reach your top arm over to finger her clitoris. If you want to get in on the fun, have your partner reach back and finger you too. Feel your way around makes it that much hotter.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes Cosmo Difficulty: <3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 1 beanie

14. RIDE ‘EM COWGIRL Actual Title: The Impractical Cowgirl What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner lie on her back with a pillow under her hips. Then, facing her, straddle one of her legs and use yours to rub against her clitoris.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. No. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 2 beanies

15. THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE Actual Title: Banging from the back while standing up What Cosmo Says: “Stand behind her and reach around with one hand to finger her. Massage her breast with the other hand, and, if she’s really getting into it, have her play with her other nipple. The trifecta will drive her wild.” Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. YES. Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3 Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 3 beanies

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