The Best and Worst of Cosmo’s Lesbian Sex Tips

 
 

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Much ado has been made about Cosmo’s new listicle of 28 lesbian sex positions to try NOW. Skimming through the legendary lady mags foray into making pictures of straight looking illustrated girls doing gay looking sex actions above the perky yet explicit descriptions we’ve come to expect from Cosmo, I was neither offended nor titillated. I feel no need to wax poetic on how Cosmo STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ME or start scissoring madly while festooned in floral garlands because the big bag lady mag told me so. Frankly I’m amused and entertained by the sincere, if hetero-peppy, shot at reppin’ my kind. In that spirit of good natured mockery, I clarified and decorated the 15 best and worst of Cosmo’s lesbian sex tips.

1. THE LACONIC LOUNGER
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Actual Title: Finger banging in bed
What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner lie on her back with two pillows under her upper back. Kneel between her legs and draw slow circles around her clitoris with one hand. Use your free hand to massage her breasts, or just have a hot makeout sesh.”
Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it?: Yes. Yes.
Cosmo Difficulty: <3
Actual Difficulty: 0 beanies

2. THE ROCKET
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Actual Title: Sitting on her face
What Cosmo Says: “You know the Beyoncé song that starts, ‘Let me sit this aaaaass on you’? That’s what you’re going for here. Kneel over her shoulders and let your butt brush against her nipples while she gets intimate with your clitoris.”
Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? Yes. Yes.
Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3
Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 1 beanie.

3. THE KINKY JOCKEY
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Actual Title: Sitting on her back while she’s on all fours for no apparent reason.
What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner get on all fours, then straddle her hips. Tug on her hair while you rub your clitoris against her tailbone. Getting a little Fifty Shades of Grey is always hot.”
Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No.
Cosmo Difficulty: <3 <3
Actual Lesbian Difficulty: No beanies. Pointless.

4. THE DOUBLE DUTY
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Actual Title: No thanks
What Cosmo Says: “Have your partner get on all fours with her pelvis tilted up. Kneel over her calves, rubbing your clitoris against her leg. Start by licking her clitoris and vulva, but if she’s up for it move on to anilingus. The contrast will blow her mind.”
Have I tried this? If so, did I enjoy it? No.
Cosmo Difficulty: <3<3<3
Actual Lesbian Difficulty: 3 beanies

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