Meg Streit: If you had more “best friends” than boyfriends in high school, chances are high that you are gay. (Girls, you know what I’m talking about – the sleepovers, the countless hours on the phone, dreading going to homecoming with a boy). If this rings a bell, and you haven’t come out yet, below is an easy quiz to help you discover whether or not you are gay. Simply tally the points for each of the items below that apply to you.
— You have an unusually high tolerance for emotional “processing.” – 3 points
— You are over the age of 30 and you have a female “roommate.” – 1 point (Typically, this would be 3 points, but it’s a recession and the cost of living is high).
— Your nagging mother/aunt/grandmother has stopped asking when you’re going to find a nice boyfriend or husband. They all know you’re gay by now, so take the hint! – 4 points
— You played softball or soccer in high school. – 1 point (add an additional 2 points if you still play softball or soccer with women).
— You have rented more than one U-Haul in the last five years. – 3 points
— You own more than two cats (yes, even if some of them are outdoor cats that you feed on a daily basis). – 2 points
— You own a copy of Ani DiFranco’s Dilate album. – 1 point (add another point for each additional DiFranco album in your collection).
If your scored 5 or more points, congratulations! You are probably gay!
Drummerdeeds: Wanna know how I know you’re gay? You think all women are sleeping with each other (because we are); as a lesbian nationalist, you think lesbians are better human beings (because we are); and you habitually use the term "breeders," often inappropriately referring to parents, professors, and inanimate objects. Furthermore, you constantly fantasize about a lesbian nation in which only queer women grow organic GMO-free foods, play softball, listen to ’90s female rock, and hit on each other. Dead giveaway.
Dorothy Snarker: You own more novelty T-shirts than regular T-shirts. Your shoes are all sensible, or at the very least bi-curious. You own more vests than Mr. Shue and the cast of Blossom combined. Your watch can be described as big, chunky and/or a wrist cuff. You think the straight female characters on every TV show are secretly dating (same goes for the actresses). You can name the portmanteaus for every fictional lesbian couple/ship faster than you can the names of your actual cousins (for more on this see Heather Hogan). You think "You’re a wanker, No. 9" is the most romantic pick-up line ever.
Thelinster: Androgynous women make eye contact and give you a slight smile and nod when you pass them in a crowd. Your shoes and your underwear are all about comfort. You remember exactly where you were when Ellen came out. You hate loving — and love hating — The L Word. On any given flight originating in your hometown, you know at least one of the flight attendants. And you have no doubt that the person who wrote that article about how to discover your “true sexual tendencies” is straight.