The AfterEllen.com Huddle: Worst Holiday Songs

 
 

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John released a laughable Christmas video this week with an accompanying terrible song, and the internet world took notice.

Clearly this is not the lonely only awful holiday tune! In fact, there are quite a few. Team, what’s the worst one?

Dara Nai: The most abrasive, annoying, painful Christmas song ever written is “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.” Hearing it irritates me so much, it actually makes me angry. Know what I want for Christmas? For Santa to knock out the rest of that singer’s teeth. Happy Holidays!

Emily Hartl: “Deck the Halls” from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Every time I hear that song I’m anxiously awaiting it’s end. I feel like if I saw them live what with all of their glitz and glamour and laser beams it might not wear on my nerves as much as the radio version, but really? I want sleigh bells not a fucking stairway to heaven in my Christmas carols.

Ali Davis: I’m going with “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” I don’t know if I hate it more because it’s mean, because the tune is no fun to listen to, or because it is woodenly, leadenly, creakingly unfunny, but man, do I hate that song.

Lindsey Byrnes: All of them. I don’t know why but holiday music makes me so angry. Whyyyyyy?????

Punky Starshine: I love Brittany S. Pierce as much as the next Gleek, but not even she could get me to listen to “Christmas Wrapping” all the way through. That is not a song, that is someone’s lame-ass, lonely Christmas, spoken at an awkward rhythm and set to music.

Heather Hogan: “Christmas Shoes.” Ugh. It’s not just the worst holiday song ever; it’s the worst song in the universe ever. It’s gross and emotionally manipulative and it makes me want to spit fire. Like the people who wrote it were sitting around brainstorming the gaudiest way to make a person cry, all: “OK, so, like, cancer, right? And an orphan? No, no, a girl who’s going to be an orphan when the cancer gets her mom. But, like, her mom is shoe-less, OK? Shoe-less and the soon-to-be-orphan spends her last tuppence to buy her cancer-mom some fancy shoes — wait for it — to wear to meet Jesus! Nailed it!” Merry fucking Christmas to you, too, Newsong.

Dana Piccoli: “The. Christmas. Shoes.” I literally flee the area anytime that song comes on. It’s the unholy marriage of hokey contemporary country (don’t get me wrong — I watch the hell out of Nashville) and every child’s worst nightmare. I’m depressed just talking about it.

Jill Guccini: “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” UGH. UGH. This song seems so full of adultery and possible date-rape to me that it makes me real uncomfortable but mainly just annoyed. Zooey Deschanel singing it in the shower during Elf is the only time I’m OK with it, and that has more to do with Zooey Deschanel’s voice than anything else.

Erika Star: As an avid Voice fan, even I can’t get behind XTina and Cee-Lo‘s cover of “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” It makes everyone’s favorite date rape jam all that much creepier. “Say, what’s in this drink?” It’s roofies, Christina.

Lucy Hallowell: While I back all of these choices (despite finding the Kurt and Blaine “Baby It’s Cold Outside” to be entirely adorable — sue me) I have to go with “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCarney. It makes me want to slam my head in a door. Oh, and should I mention HE WAS IN THE EFFING BEATLES! Ugh!

Bridget McManus: “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey.” Enough said.

Trish Bendix: I have an irrational hatred for “I Saw Three Ships.” I don’t care who is singing it. It’s the worst!

What holiday song could you live without hearing ever again?

 
 

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