The AfterEllen.com Huddle: Hilarious Sex Songs

 
 

Ali Davis loves R. Kelly and offered up this huddle topic, which seemed to be fairly easy to answer from all of our writers. It’s likely you, too, have a very sexual and hilarious song that is so bad it’s good. Think “My Neck, My Back” or “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Think “This is terrible — but I’m turned on.” And go!

Ali Davis: I know it’s awful, but I can’t help loving R. Kelly‘s “Ignition (Remix),” even though the metaphors can be charitably described as a tad obvious. (Key? Ignition? Really?!) But it’s so playful and so cheerfully horny — and horny on everyone’s behalf, because Kelly thinks we should all get laid — that I just can’t resist its seductive charms any time it drops by.

I think actually playing this song during sex would make me giggle too much, but I’ve played it to help me get my swagger on before going out. Highly and sheepishly recommended.

Heather Hogan: “Afternoon Delight,” man.

Sarah Terez Rosenblum: Stabbing Westward‘s “Save Yourself.” Because there’s probably something wrong with me.

Punky Starshine: “2 Become 1″ by the Spice Girls. Even though I didn’t know it was about sex/condoms until years after I had choreographed an entire routine for it for an audience of stuffed animals in my room. Yes, I’m aware that it says “I wanna make love to ya, baby” right in the lyrics, but I was a very naive child. I thought making love was like cutting out paper hearts together or something. (Also, I was 10, give me a break!)

Grace Chu: That “Body is a Wonderland” song by John Mayer. The background soundtrack was so beautiful at the time and was a great complement to sexytime, even though John Mayer was such a well-scrubbed, wholesome and inoffensive crooner back then. Now I smh and facepalm at the memories of “she who was not right for me,” but look forward to John Mayer’s deliciously inappropriate and sexually charged interviews.

Bridget McManus: OMG is this really the huddle topic? I’m kind of embarrassed. OK, mine is “Shake That” by Eminem and featuring Nate Dogg. Now you all know too much about me and my marriage…

Dara Nai: “Skin” by Rihanna, “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails, and the Muppet version of Peaches‘ “Fuck the Pain Away.” It has to be the Muppet version or it doesn’t work.

Elaine Atwell: Here is what goes through my mind every time “You’re Making it Hard for Me” (aka Next‘s “Too Close”) comes on the radio: 1. Oh God, this song is so gross and literal. Like, find a fucking metaphor for the experience of getting a boner on the dance floor. 2. How did they let us dance to this in middle school? Can 40 year-olds not hear high-pitched noises OR dirty R&B lyrics? 3. Super catchy though. And then I am just singing along.

Dana Piccoli: “My Heart will Go On.” Don’t ask. Also, “All I Wanna Do is Make Love To You” by Heart.

Emily Hartl: Is Rihanna‘s “What’s My Name?” a sex song? That “S&M” one she does is definitely a sex song. Wow, Rihanna is totally filthy.

Jill Guccini: I’mma gonna go with “Shoop” even though it’s all about penises. (“Lick ‘em like a lollipop should be licked!”) But also relevant to my interests: “Wanna thank your mother for a butt like that.” And: “I like what you do, when you do what you do. You make me wanna shoop. “Wait — is it OK that I don’t think this is objectively awful at all? I’m bad at this assignment because all sex jams are the best.

Lucy Hallowell: I choose “Your My First, My Last, My Everything” by Barry White. I am not sure that there is anything “objectively horrid” about Barry White but his songs certainly skirt the line of overly cheesy and just right. I mean the beginning of the song is just him talking “We got it together didn’t we/We’ve definitely got our thing together, don’t we baby?/ Isn’t that nice?/I mean really when you really sit and think about it/ isn’t it really really nice?/I can easily feel myself slipping in more and more ways/in a simple world of my own/Nobody but you … and me/We got it together babe.”

Oh Barry, it’s a very fine line between awesome and a Saturday Night Live skit and your songs just live on that line. But I love this song. My wife and I spent an hour stuck in a parking deck at a New Jersey movie theater belting this song out (sorry everyone in earshot). You can be damn sure I am cranking it if it’s ever on the radio.

Trish Bendix: Hilarious and sexy songs are my favorite kind. Bonus points for bomb ass metaphors, like all of the cop visuals used in Lil Wayne’s “Mrs. Officer.” But there is a song called “Bed” by J. Holiday that I defy you to listen to and not feel sexy and cheesed out at the same time. Like I really need someone to “put me to bed” — but maybe I do, you know?

What hilariously terrible yet sexy song do you love?

 
 

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